MIDDLESBROUGH v PORTSMOUTH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
The weekend saw Boro get a few extra days off from the FA to celebrate beating, nay humiliating, Ch£lski once again. The fixture list has drawn up another chance to rage a Cold War on Russian investors by putting us up against Portsmouth. On a Monday. With the game on Sky. Will those damn computers never learn?
Despite more empty seats than a children's coach trip to Neverland, this should be a good game. Ladies and Gentleman! DING DING! Round one!
Skippy vs David James
It would be easy to take the mick out of Calamity James, so I will. Despite being a man mountain, he has a liking of Playstation, white Armani suits, and is prone to making more mistakes than a someone called Mr Mistake Maker, on his way to mistake island, in the mistake ocean, on a cruise liner called HMS Mistake Maker. Skippy challenges him to a game of ISS Pro Evo before the game but Calamity drops his joypad on his own foot. Even Rocky might score if it is vaguely on target.
Skippy 8pts - James 6pts
Stuart Parnaby vs Glenn Johnson
After a sojourn into midfield, Parnaby got a nosebleed and begged Mr Gareth to play him at right back. Mr Gareth could only hold his own hooter in despair whilst explaining that he had hung up his boots. Glenn 'The best young right back in England' Johnson has made considerable efforts not to live up to his non-de plum. In other words, he is cack. Parnaby smells an England call up and checks his undies.
Parnaby 8pts - Johnson 4pts
Emanuel Pogatetz vs Sol Campbell
Until Zidane landed one on Matterazzi, not much was made of sledging in football. We all know it goes on and Poga can get in quick here and play mind games with Big Sol. Here's a few to try out: 'Sol, have you seen A**** lately?'; F****** said you like it ** *** *******'; 'How is the G** S** in Belgium?' Poga wins easy as Sol walks out of the Riverside and gets lost in North Ormesby at half-time.
*Deleted for legal, eagle, beagle and seagull reasons.
Poga 9pts - Sol 6pts
Chris Riggot vs Dejan Stefanovic
Sometimes it is a sign of a good player that they are not talked about too much and just do their job well and consistently. However, Riggot appears to be still on his summer holidays at the moment and I can't remember even seeing him on the pitch. It would explain a lot. However, he looks like Tom Cruise compared to snoremeister Stefanovic, who is probably more boring than getting a large drill and spinning it round really fast until it makes a hole in the ground.
Riggott 6pts vs Stefanovic 5pts
Andrew Taylor vs Linvoy Primus
Primus has put his admittedly recent good form down to finding God. Where he found him is up for debate. God was last seen sharing a parmo with George Boateng on Linthorpe Road. Anyway, expect Taylor (who just gets better and better) to wear an Iron Maiden t-shirt tonight as the crowd break out into The Number of the Beast.
Taylor 8pts - Primus 7pts
Fabio Rochemback vs Gary O'Neill
Once dubbed the 'cheeky ball boy' because of his looks, O'Neill now looks like a cheeky Botox experiment on a chimp. Good player though, and will be standing in for Pedro 'what day is it' Mendes following his horrific assault on Ben Thatcher's elbow. Meanwhile, Fabio is refining his look from porn star to part time Robbie Fowler look-alike. Fabio nicks it at the last with an 80-yard screamer. Well, you never know.
Fabio 7pts - O'Neill 6pts
George Boateng vs Sean Davies
Again the game will be won in midfield with George cruising past Davies. I should point out here that I am referring to Boateng and not George Michael. Davies, once a perennial transfer target for Boro, will be low on confidence as he sees Harry Redknapp talking to his son about getting his shirt on. How is young Davies to know Jamie is shagging Louise in the dug out?
George 9pts vs Davies 7pts
Gaizka Mendieta vs Matthew Taylor
Well, at least Mendi has had his haircut. Unfortunately he has replaced it with something even Andrew Davies wouldn't attempt. Taylor would have made a good Boro player, as he is a left back playing in midfield. That is supposed to be a compliment.
Mendy 6pts - Taylor 7pts
Stewart Downing vs David Thompson
"Stewart likes pies. Big meaty pies with loads of crust and has them with peas and gravy." So said a press release from somewhere inside my head. Therefore, he will not be moving to Spurs. Rumours that Jol has increased his offer to £10m + all the pies in the world are unfounded, but has caused Danny Graham to buy all the Ginsters from his local garage.
Stewy 10pts - Thompson 6pts
Yakuba vs Benjani
These two share a lot in common. What I do not know, apart from the fact they use their forenames as no one, not even dictionary corner in Countdown, can spell their surnames. A Yakuba hat trick will seal the day, but Benjani could get one back.
Yakuba 10pts - Benjani 8pts
Mark Viduka vs Kanu/Todorov
Rumours of a split in the dressing room last year were conformed last week when Vids admitted he was going through a pair of shorts each week. It was Kanu that fluffed an equalising chance for the Baggies not so long ago, so it would be good to see him start, but lets go for Todorov. This is mainly because Kanu headed the ball four times last week and is still recovering.
Vids 9pts - Kanu/Todorov 7pts
SUMMARY
Boro 90pts - Portsmouth 70pts
Despite never beating Pompey in the Premiership, this one looks a home banker.
So that will be a Pompey away win then given Boro's schizophrenic record (not the Chris Rea/Bob Mortimer one, the one where we beat top teams and struggle against all others.
Having said that, the Yak should bag a few, including a penalty after perfecting his 'Platoon' fall method against Ch£lski.
Get yourself to La Riv, but set the video, if only to see Harry Redknapp self-combust.
Prediction -Boro 3 - Pompey 1
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