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ARSENAL v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Well, pack your man bags, the Boro army are coming down to la-di-dah London, blowing this month's mortgage money in the process. ComeOnBoro.com will be represented by some of our finest troops travelling on the 9.05 to Kings Cross. How many come back is another matter.
Snakes on a muthafuckin' Plane? Nah, COB on a Muthafuckin Train.
Ding Ding! Round one!
Jens Lehman vs Mark Schwarzer
Lehman loses points in the first few rounds as he is still laughing at Manuel Almunia's attempts to become England's number one. Skippy lands a few blows but after what happened to Steve Irwin is nervously looking around the six-yard box for Stingrays.
Jens 7pts - Skippy 7pts
William Gallas vs Jonathan 'WOODY' Woodgate
He is from Boro y'know. Honest, Gallas is from South Bank. Woody brought charm, wit, skill, tapas and whole host of other baggage into Teesside Airport, mostly containing hair straighteners. Woody gets sent off, but Gallas blows it by scoring three own goals. Mourinho watches MotD with the knowing smirk of a boy who is good at Battleships.
Gallas 6 pts - Woody 8pts
Kolo Toure vs Emanuel Pogatetz
Lets get this straight. Pogo had nothing to do with Chris Riggot's injury at all. He never looked at him funny, stuck pins into a voodoo doll or put that banana skin near Riggott's locker. Got that? Toure feels the nerves in the tunnel as Mad Dog cocks a leg and pisses on Kolo's boots.
Toure 7pts - Pogo 8pts
Eboue vs Andrew Taylor
Young Taylor made his debut in the 7-0 mauling last year and his hoping to keep it under five this time round. "I feel I have improved over the past twelve months. My haircut is better than Davies' now, I've lost a few pounds and my handicap has been dramatically reduced on Tiger Woods on the PS2" he didn't say yesterday. Taylor beats Eboue on confidence by nicking Julio Arca's crutches and guaranteeing a first team place for another month.
Eboue 7pts - Taylor 7pts
Justin Hoyte vs Stuart Parnaby
Skinnier than a King's Cross hooker on crack, Justin Hoyte failed to take advantage of the pies whilst on loan at Sunderland last year. In a move of unexpected technical analysis by Tale of the Tape, I can reveal that although Hoyte has a longer reach, Parnaby has weight advantage due to the six month's worth of bum fluff he has gathered on his chin.
Hoyte 6 pts - Parnaby 6.5 pts
Gilberto vs George Boateng
George has come in for quite a bit of criticism this week from Boro fans due to his lack of passing ability. WTF! He is essential to the Boro as he always has a kind word for the tea lady, helps out Mr Gareth arranging his pen lids and cuts Keith Lamb's lawn on a Sunday afternoon after church. Gilberto on the other hand makes Dave Doriva look like Juninho. And he wears a leather thing under his shorts. Maybe.
Gilberto 6pts - George 9pts
Cesc Fabregas vs Lee Cattermole
With Boro switching back to 4-5-1, it gives Clatters another chance to get sent off. Come on son, sort it out. Pollock-like cult status is yours if you manage to kick Fabregas into Finsbury Park. Obviously you will need to get near him, but that is a mere technical detail. The New Viera vs The New Pollock. No contest - "Clatters gonna get yer!"
Fabregas 7pts - Clatters 8pts
Thomas Rosisky vs Stewart Downing
Our best player vs their 3rd or 4th best player. Downing gets a barrel from the Gooners for being a potential Spurs player; the other barrel from Boro fans because he isn't. Downing responds with his best performance of the year, adding that "The January transfer window isn't that far off is it? Mr Jol, Mr Jol, hello.?"
Rosisky 8pts - Downing 8pts
Alexander Hleb vs Jason Euell
I have no idea if Euell will start, but I thought I'd get him on the pitch. It might be the only way of stopping him ringing Ian Dowie, begging to come back to Charlton. I have had the phonetically challenged Hleb in every Fantasy League team I have done since he came to EPL. He has been rubbish every time. Hleb hat-trick then.
Hleb 8pts - Euell 5pts
Van Persie/Baptista/Adebyor vs Fabio Rochemback
Obviously three against one is a bit unfair so here's hoping that Baptista starts, looks out of shape and fluffs every chance he gets. At least Fabio won't feel left out then.
Van Persie/Baptista/Adebyor 8pts - Fabio 6pts
Terry Henry vs Yakuba
Make or break time for the Yak. Will be hard for him today though as the pressure of Mark Viduka's eyes burns a hole in his shirt. This Terry Henry fella looks a bit good mind... might score a few if he gets his head down and works hard.
Henry 10pts - Yak 8pts
Summary
Arsenal 80pts - Boro 80.5pts
On the Boro roller coaster this year so far it has been like so:
Up: Mr Gareth
Down: Reading away
Up: Chelsea at home
Down: Portsmouth at home
Up: Woody & Huth (ok, ok, and Euell)
Down: er, Riggott injured
So that only leaves one possible result today, and that is a 2-2 draw and none of the COB lads and lasses get arrested for lewd behaviour. Pies all round on the train back.
ARSENAL FANS WELCOME IN THE NEW HOLGATE MESSAGE BOARD
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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