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BOLTON v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
After the glamour and the glory of an away day at the Emirates, Boro now face a run of turgid hack fests versus Bolton, Notts County, Blackburn and Sheffield United.
Whilst Tale of the Tape is fully expecting a return of nine points and looking forward to getting our balls pulled out of a velvety black bag, the next few weeks could be a bit dull. How will Boro liven up September? Well, Mr Gareth will get out his, erm, famous joke book in training as Boro face up to the Grumpy Gum Chewers International Last Chancers XI.
Ding!! Ding!! Round One!!
Jussi Jaaskelainen v Mark Schwarzer
After an imperious (well, howler free) display at the Emirates, Skippy goes into confidence overdrive and plays the first half with his hands behind his back. Nobody actually notices the difference so he entertains the crowd with a few jokes. "What is a pig's favourite superhero?" says Skippy. "The Oinkredible Hulk!" Jussi holds his head in his hands in embarrassment; Fabio takes full advantage and (just) rolls one in from 40 yards. Game on!
Jussi 6pts - Skippy 8pts
Ben Haim v Jonathan Woodgate
Woodgate was every newspaper's man of the match, and probably the best capture of the transfer window. Mr Gareth puts it down to his timing, as will be demonstrated here when he gives Haim a master class.
Woody: Whats the secret of good comedy?
Haim: I don't know.
Woody:........................timing!
Haim 5pts - Woody 9pts
Abdoualye Meite v Emanuel Pogatetz
Now, it's not a well known fact, but Pogo is the dressing room clown, albeit mixed in with his hard man image. Administers Meite a couple of short sharp shocks before slapping him round the chops with this corker.
Pogo: Did you here the joke about the Gestapo?
Meite: No.?
Pogo: LIAR!!!!!!! (slap, bang, wallop)
Meite 7pts - Pogo 8pts
Nicky Hunt v Andrew Davies
Andrew Davies has been working hard all season and seems to have edged out comedy genius Stuart Parnaby from the first team. This is mainly due to Davies working on his visual appearance. I've seen road kill that have better haircuts. No matter. Davies comes out on top at the Reebok by demoralising Nicky Hunt by calling him Mike for ninety minutes, or rather thirty-five before Hunt gets injured.
Nicky Hunt 5pts - Davies 7pts
Quinton Fortune v Andrew Taylor
Quinton Fortune is a funny man. His name is funny, he runs funny and he looks like that dumb ass Bubba from Forrest Gump. Rumours that Big Sam tempted him to the Reebok with ten tonnes of fresh shrimp are unfounded. Andrew Taylor on the other hand is a fine upstanding young player, and likes a laugh. Well, he was pissing himself when he saw the Matthew Bates pictures anyway.
Fortune 6pts - Taylor 7pts
Ivan Campo v Fabio Rochemback
All roads to the Reebok will be blocked this week as industrial units of Frizz-Ease are delivered to calm this hirsute midfield battle. In the event of a collision both managers have decided to call off the match as technical experts from Velcro Ltd are called in to pull these South American woolly backs apart.
Campo 6pts - Fabio 6pts
Gary Speed v Lee Cattermole
It's a battle of age against youth; experienced old head versus energetic hot head; shit before the shovel and age before, er, beauty. Cattermole will run rings around Speed, mainly by bamboozling him by talking about MP3's, Youtube.com and bangin' underground drum'n'bass (Tale of the Tape apologises for trying to talk like a teenager).
Speed 7pts - Clatters 7pts
Kevin Nolan v Jason Euell
TotT wants to apologize to Jason Euell for disparaging comments last week. He is now our favourite player, just behind James Morrison, Mendi and Ray Parlour. Mr Gareth has warned me that sarcasm is the lowest form of wit, and he is right. I just can't help it. Nolan would be a great player for Boro, as he makes 'devil horns' when he scores, thus appealing to Jonny Woodgate's heavy metal haircut.
Nolan 8 pts - Euell 7pts
Abdoulaye Faye v James Morrison
"Ahhhhh, Mr Morrison. We have been expecting you." I having nothing negative to say about the young lad this week after he reached the goal tally set by Mr Gareth. The Boss now wants little Jimmy to work on some punch lines before running rings around brick shithouse and man mountain Faye. Mr Gareth has been personally helping him out.
Mr Gareth: What does Fonzies' horse eat?
Morrison (looking quizzical): ??????????????
Mr Gareth: Haaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!!
Morrison: ??????????
Faye 6pts - Morrison 7pts
El Hadji Douf v Stewart Downing
After being sacked as the stand in for Bob Carolgees dog, Diouf had to find a new job. He started work at an explosives factory, but he soon got fired. He then worked at an orange juice factory, but he was canned because he couldn't concentrate. Then he tried his hand at being a miner but also got the sack - his boss thought he was the pits. Finally, before becoming a Premiership football player he worked at a company making blankets. He lost his job when the company folded.
Stewart Downing will be on the defensive at the Reebok, mainly by wearing one of those umbrella/hats combos to ward off the spittle from the only man who makes Robert Earnshaw look handsome.
Diouf 6pts - Downing 7pts
Nicolas Anelka v Yakuba
Those of you of an older persuasion will remember the comic Scoop. One of the main stories concerned 'Jon Stark - Match Winner for Hire'. His match fee was £1000, £250 per goal, no win - no fee. Jon Stark was a pure mercenary who was disliked by the mangers who employed him but loved by the fans. The comparisons with Anelka end there as absolutely no one likes him. Even his Mam. Yakuba still looks out of sorts and resorts to using a joke he was saving for Wayne Rooney.
Yak: What do you call two guys fighting over a prostitute?
Anelka: No idea
Yak: A tug of whore!
Anelka 6pts - Yak 7pts
Summary
Bolton 68pts - Boro 80pts
Ok, so Mr Gareth's joke book may not be filled with cracking jokes. But against Bolton it is flying spittle and broken bones to look out for. Woodgate should easily shackle Anelka but the midfield is going to have to get fully tooled up with a set of nunchakas, throwing stars, a bit of lead pipe and a cricket bat glued to a brick if they are to out muscle Bolton.
Jason Euell and James Morrison have spent the week to no avail trying to recreate the move against Arsenal, so Mr Gareth will make them play blindfolded. Clatters will get the expected red card, as will Pogo. Watching from the bench, Robert Huth feels left out and starts a fight by hiding Big Sam's Wrigleys down his undies.
This will be a very close contest, although I confidently predict that Boro will leave the North West with a 1-2 away win, and half the squad limping back to Teesside.
BOLTON FANS WELCOME IN THE NEW HOLGATE MESSAGE BOARD
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