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MIDDLESBROUGH v NOTTS COUNTY TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
There was a time, way back in the early 80's that the Boro seemed to play Notts County every week. Tale of the Tape may be making this up (no change there then), but I distinctly recall lots of Cup Games and quite a few league encounters. TotT is in no mood to change the habit of a lifetime and actually look this up, but they may have even beaten us a few times along the way.
So, an old adversary, a bogey team, and they are called the Magpies. It's like a derby with our underachieving neighbours. So its time to blood some young lads me thinks, and also a run out for the oldies and maybe the Huth. Given that I don't know any County players, and with not much info on the young uns, TotT admits to some lazy journalism in search of cheap laughs and resorts to Google.
DING DING! ROUND ONE!!
Ross Turnbull v Kevin Pilkington
R Turnbull & Sons Butchers are famous for their steak and ale pies. They won a gold medal and category championship at the British Pig Executive regional road show for butchers in Stockton-on-Tees. Which beats playing snooker after training everyday. Top marks young Ross. Kevin Pilkington looks like Juninho's taller, possibly even more ugly brother, and is best remembered for conceding a goal against his opposite number when playing for Mansfield against County. And they still signed him. The pies have it as young Ross launches a steak and ale goal bound.
Turnbull 8pts - Pilkington 7pts
Stuart Parnaby v David Pipe
Unbelievably, our Stuart seems to be the only Stuart Parnaby in the world. TotT went through 51 pages of Google before falling asleep. Much like watching Parnaby play recently. David Pipe is a County favourite, but t'internet also has him as a horse trainer and a famous organ recitalist. There is a gag in there somehwere but TotT is, as usual, struggling to find it.
Parnaby 7pts - Pipe 8pts
Andrew Davies v Alan White
Woody is rested for this so bogbrushhead may be moved over to centre half. Alan White used to be a Boro player, but made only one appearance before being shipped out. Although playing very well, Davies should take note. He could however take up the career of his namesake and be the scriptwriter for bosom busting corset dramas such as Pride and Prejudice, Middlemarch, Vanity Fair, Wives and Daughters and Tipping the Velvet.
Davies 8pts - White 6pts
Robert Huth v Mike Edwards
First proper outing for the £6m Huth, who TotT refuses to call Hoooooooooooth. I prefer Huuuuuuuuuuuuth. Huth should easily win any contest on the pitch, including Battleships with Davies, Scrabble with Parnanby and arm wrestling with Taylor as they wait for rare County attacks. His opposite number is either the lead singer of bobbins band Jesus Jones, or for older readers, a member of ELO (or if you are County fan then a pretty solid centre half/occasional midfielder).
Huth 8pts - Edwards 7pts
Andrew Taylor v Dan Gleeson
The Dan Gleeson Memorial Gardens are located in the city of Thuringowa, Queensland. The gardens feature a wide range of native flora situated by an artificial lake, which attracts significant bird life. Andrew Taylor on the other hand is an accomplished crime author. It's amazing what these footballers get up to in their spare time. Taylor is more arresting (see what I did there?) and wins this turf war with the green fingered Gleeson (twice in one sentence!)
Taylor 7pts - Gleeson 6pts
Adam Johnson v Austin McCann
According to movie database IMDB, it appears that McCann was the First Assistant Director on the Michael Jordan/Bugs Bunny unfunny feature, Space Jam. It may or may not be true that Austin Powers is named after him. OK, it's not true, but the player is named after an Austin Allegro. That's not true either. IMDB has Adam Johnson as an aspiring actor who has made a handful of movies, rather than the frustrating kid I watched at Bolton.
Johnson 7pts - McCann 6pts
Ray Parlour v Matthew Sommer
In Sex, Law, and Society in Late Imperial China, Matthew Sommer explicitly rejects standards of "progress" applied by scholars who use the history of law in the west as a model. Instead, he seeks to use legal codes and case records to understand how officials and commoners understood sexual norms and criminal transgressions of those norms. Parlour looks confused and calls in the ginger SAS, who airlift him out of the Riverside to safety and dump him near Fratton Park.
Parlour 5pts - Sommer 6pts
Jason Euell v Daniel Martin
Mr Euell is starting to impress me at Boro and will get another chance to stretch his legs here. Meanwhile, Daniel Martin is another County defender who plays in midfield. Meanwhile his brother Chris has just finished writing the next Coldplay album, tentatively titled "Oh bugger, the earth is up the spout and me missus is calling the kids daft names and me brother is playing out of position at County". Maybe.
Euell 8pts - Martin 6pts
James Morrison v Andy Parkinson
TotT has just re-subscribed to the James Morrison is quite good fan club. They nearly didn't let me back in but I promised to get Morrison tattooed across my back. If he goes back to being rubbish, then TotT will be reduced to selling his body to supermarket fetishists. Andy Parkinson used to play for Tranmere and recorded a cup victory over the Boro with them. He also manages a stretch of Mongilian River where they fish for the local Taimen fish.
Morrison 9pts - Parkinson 8pts
Massimo Maccarone v Lawrie Dudfield
Honest journeyman and goal shy striker Lawrie Dudfield is aiming for twenty goals this season. Without being rude, well, with being rude actually, there is more chance of Roy Keane getting married to Alan Shearer. They'd make a lovely couple mind. Massimo returns and reminds us of the player he is. Bald, his bootlaces tied together and still a Boro legend for those Uefa nights last season.
Massimo 9pts - Dudfield 5pts
Mark Viduka v Jason Lee
Yes. THAT Jason Lee. No pineapple on his head but no mug either. And TotT remembers him getting two at Ayresome. Vids is so happy sitting on the Boro bench that he moves it out onto the pitch and parks it on the 18 yard line waiting for the ball to come to him.
Vids 9pts - Lee 7pts
Summary
BORO 85pts - County 72pts
Hard to predict what team we will see tonight, but I'm sure that others such as Christie, Yak and Clatters will be out there at some point in a normal looking 4-4-2. Rocky is eyeing up Juve as they have been alerted by a number of footballs hit by him from various UK grounds with a note attached saying "Get me out of here, I am a poodle celebrity".
Easy home win, with Morrison and Maccarone giving sub-editors across the land an interesting night's work. Current favourite for the back page of the Gazette is "Eminem raps County" or "Huth eats M&Ms" as the big man forgets which side he is on and literally eats Morrison and Massimo.
Boro 3 County 1
NOTTS COUNTY FANS WELCOME IN THE NEW HOLGATE MESSAGE BOARD
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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