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MIDDLESBROUGH v BLACKBURN ROVERS TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Laaaaaaadiessss and Gentlemen! Take your seats for what is the very first six-pointer of the season. If ever a game needed to be won in a convincing manner then it is this one. And the next one. And the one after that. But you get my point. We have scraped points at the places we never expected then arsed it up big time against teams who will be our closest rivals at the end of the season.
So, with a bong, a bun, a sore bum but definitely no bungs, its time for Boro to brutally bash and bounce bumbling Blackburn with some Black Pudding, sending them back black and blue, with a bruised ego and a brilliant Boro victory. That's enough Bs for now.
DING! DING! Round one!!
Mark Schwarzer v Brad Friedel
In this Aussie/USA hoedown, Skippy will stop flapping like a bird and be more commanding that Russell Crowe in Master & Commander, by repeating the best punch line in any film, ever - "The lesser of two weevils". In other film related news, Nick Nolte is playing in goal for Blackburn.
Skippy 8pts - Friedel 8pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Andre Ooijer
Having watched Boro for far too long than is good for my health, TotT has seen a fair few defenders come and go through the Boro back four. There have been good ones (Boam, Southgate, Pallister, Festa) and there have been bad ones (all of them Alan Kernaghan). It is with confidence then that I say that Woody is the best of the lot. Ooijer on the other hand looks bloody rubbish (technical term) and has a name that makes me come over all Frankie Howerd. Which is not a pretty sight I can tell you.
Woody 9pts - Ooo-er 5pts
Robert Huth v Zurab Khizanishvli
Just as Pogatetz starts to look great, in comes Huth and Pogo is left playing with Nathan Porrit in the corner. Woody and Huth could be the greatest defensive partnership since when time began. Or Huth could just give away loads of free kicks and leave Woody shaking his flowing locks in shame. Khizanishvli has settled well into Lancashire life and now rides a bike down t'hills, wearing a flat cap and whistling the Hovis theme tune.
Huth 8pts - Khizanishvli 6pts
Andrew Davies v Brett Emerton
Andrew Davies is turning into one of TotT's favourite players at the moment. Not only does he keep Parnaby out of the team, but he also is a big fan of Greek philosophy, French post-modernism and likes to dabble in the Fine Arts. Other than that he has a bloody stupid haircut that always makes me chuckle. Emerton? Pah! Would never have got into the Boro team anyway.
Bogbrush 8pts - Emerton 6pts
Andrew Taylor v Lucas Neill
Does any body know anything remotely interesting about Andrew Taylor other than he is a damn fine footballer? Does he like wild women, wine and song? Does he bungy jump naked off the Transporter Bridge? Send your answers on a postcard to the usual place and I'll put them in my special B1n file. I hope Lucas Neill is no relations to Aussie actor Sam Neill, as TotT cant stand him. Fickle? Yes.
Taylor 7pts - Neill 8pts
Lee Cattermole v Robbie Savage
What is there left to say about Robbie Savage that hasn't been said already? Apart from the fact he is a dirty, whingeing, silly-haired show off who loves to play the part of the victim. Actually, TotT quite likes Savage, despite of, or maybe because of the fact he looks like he was in an 80's hair metal band from Los Angeles. Clatters hides Robbie's hairspray and Savage goes berserk.
Cattermole 7pts - Savage 7pts
Fabio Rochemback v Tugay
Tugay has a face that looks like it was carved out of a Turkish mountainside. Which it was. If you look closely you can see wispy grasses and bushes growing from his ears and nostrils, with the occasional mountain goat bouncing about on his buttocks. No such things in Fabio's hair, apart from Frizz-ease and sparkle dust from a disco he went to in Yarm.
Fabio 7pts - Tugay 6pts
James Morrison v David Bentley
Before David Bentley scored a wonder goal against Schwarzer a few seasons ago, he was seen giving hairdressing tips to Andrew Davies. Morrison opts for short back and sides and gives his best performance yet.
Euell 8pts - Bentley 7pts
Adam Johnson v Gamst Pederson
TotT had a dream last night where Boro accepted £12m for Downing and bought Pederson, which seemed like good business. Until I woke up in a cold sweat thinking they are both equal parts frustratingly bad and brilliant at the same time. Johnson will have a good one, as he looks for Frank Arneson's mobile number.
Johnson 7pts - Pederson 7pts
Jason Euell v Francis Jeffers
Perennial under achiever Jeffers has tried to succeed at many clubs but failed at them all. Which makes him a prime candidate for a hat-trick at La Riv. Jason Euell has applied himself well in Boro red, but a couple of goals here will stop him being an inevitable target for the boo boys.
Euell 7pts - Jeffers 7pts
Yakuba v Benni McCarthy
Yakuba has been on a motivational course this week to boost his confidence. This consisted of drinking 20 Red Bulls, and throwing darts at a picture of himself spooning it over the bar at Bolton. McCarthy is another player who Boro looked flirtatiously at to no avail. Thank God.
Yak 7pts - McCarthy 7pts
Summary
Boro 80pts - Blackburn 74pts
This is a tough one to call. The heart says 2-0, the head says a dull 0-0, with a rubbish pie at half-time.
It is time Mr Gareth made big decisions. Like is it a good idea to stop off at the garage on the way so the players can get in a quick Ginster, 20 Regal and a copy of Heat. Mark Viduka doesn't mind as he needs something to read on the bench.
Last chance saloon for Yakuba as we can't keep the Duke on the sub's bench for too long. Although Nathan Porrit is keeping the subs amused by his many different disguises, maybe it is time for the Duke to start up front.
A must win game then. Or a please, pretty please, pretty please forgive me god with a cherry on top win game.
Boro 2 - Blackburn 0 (Euell, Morrison)
BLACKBURN ROVERS FANS WELCOME IN THE NEW HOLGATE MESSAGE BOARD
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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