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SHEFFIELD UNITED v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
"BASS! How low can you go?" So sang the incredible, rhyme animal, Chuck D from the greatest hip-hop collective ever, Public Enemy in the song 'Bring tha Noize'.
TotT has discovered that Chuck and his clock-wearing freakoid sidekick were actually born in Acklam, and that most of their songs were originally about the Boro before changing a few lyrics.
"BORO! How low can you go?"
DING! DING! Round One!
Paddy Kenny v Mark Schwarzer
Straight outta Compton, and once a member of notorious rap group NWA, Paddy Kenny has gone onto be a full Republic of Ireland international. He was sacked by NWA for refusing to fuck da police. Skippy prefers 80's one hit wonders Living in a Box, whose imaginatively titled Living in a Box got to number one, and neatly describes the life of a goalkeeper.
Kenny 7pts - Skippy 8pts
Leigh Bromby v Jonathan Woodgate
Bromby used to be the singer for Black Sabbath, before joining Rainbow and then hitting the road as a solo artist. Or was that Ronnie James Dio? Fresh faced Leigh did used to play for Sheffield Wednesday before United so there are some tenuous connections to the poodle haired dwarf rocker. No such stature problems for Woody, who gets pumped up before the game by listening to Iron Maiden, Slayer, Slipknot and reading the Spanish papers looking for injuries in the Real Madrid defence.
Bromby 6pts - Woody 9pts
David Unsworth v Andrew Taylor
TotT was going to make some wise crack about Unsworth being very old, before realising that he is actually three years my junior. The bastard. Still, it gives me hope that I could still turn out weekly in the Premiership. I could take Andrew Taylor's place at Boro. Honest I could. I'm good at cleaning boots and stuff.
Unsworth 7pts - Taylor 7pts
Claude Davis v Emanuel Pogatetz
Jamaican international Davies is one of Bob Marley's seemingly never ending siblings, and added backing vocals on the Exodus album. "One love my arse" cries Poga as he sticks on some Eastern European Skiffle/Metal/Polka fusion on in the dressing room.
Davis 7pts - Poga 7pts
Chris Morgan v Andrew Davies
After appearing together on X-Factor as Journey South, Morgan and Davies went their separate ways to play football. Although Morgan cited musical differences, Davies put the split down to Morgan being a "rough-arsed Yorkshire get" who made the tour bus bathroom stink with his mushy pea farts.
Morgan 7pts - Davies 8pts
Paul Ifill v Stewart Downing
Whilst on the treatment table at Rockliffe, Mr Downing has been mellowing out to the sounds of 'Cliched music for footballers Vol III', featuring Nelly, Usher, Coldplay, Oasis and a bit of Phil Collins. TotT has no idea, nor neither cares who Paul Ifill is, and has spent the week praying to a shrine of Downing hoping he gets better.
Ifill 5pts - Downing 8pts
Phil Jagielka v George Boateng
Boateng should be fit after an intensive course of laughter therapy watching Boro struggle without him. Jagielka gets the TotT vote for being their best player and no doubt will be a Boro transfer target if we get humped here. Can play the bongos with his feet and knows all the words to Stairway to Heaven.
Jagielka 7pts - Boat 7pts
Keith Gillespie v Fabio Rochemback
Once a Boro player for all of about five seconds, Gillespie will be no match for our flamenco loving Rocky. Boro are playing to his strengths at the moment by actually performing so badly it makes Rocky look like one of the better players.
Gillespie 7pts - Rocky 7pts
Alan Quinn v James Morrison
Alan Quinn earns extra cash during the week as a Wayne Rooney look-alike. He can often be found opening supermarkets and maybe even visiting old age prostitutes, although probably not. I think he is taking it too far. Morrison turns in a season defining performance and gets substitu... scores a hat-trick before half time.
Quinn 7pts - Morrison 8pts
Rob Hulse v Jason Euell
Gutted at not making it past the audition stage for X-Factor, Hulse stalked Simon Cowell for three weeks, following him everywhere singing Westlife songs. Euell on the other hand made it through with his crystal clear rendition of Celine Dion's 'My Heart Will Go On'.
Hulse 7pts - Euell 7pts
Ade Akinbiyi v Yakuba
Slow, frustrating, couldn't hit a barn door, lacklustre, poor attitude, low goal tally, rubbish in bed, bad at spelling, breath smells, socks stink, etc etc etc. Apply to one of the above strikers. Your choice.
Akinbiyi 6pts - Yakuba 6pts
SUMMARY
Sheff Utd 73pts - Boro 83pts
TotT worries that Boro have further to sink before some kind of fighting spirit emerges. With Southgate's fourteen week honeymoon period up in November, most EPL managers will be voting that they don't care if he hasn't got a Pro-Licence as he seems to have no idea of how to join the dots and is shipping points left, right and centre.
The midfield was a shambles last week, and we might as well have fielded a bunch of big girl's blouses. Buck yer bloody ideas up lads!
Hate to say it, but Sheffield United will want this more.
Sheff Utd 1 - Boro 0
SHEFFIELD UNITED FANS WELCOME IN THE NEW HOLGATE MESSAGE BOARD
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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