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MIDDLESBROUGH v EVERTON TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Greetings dear readers. TotT spent a depressingly long break in a salt mine in Northern Russia, being tortured by my captors who forced TotT to watch England twice.
My only light relief was that I had a couple of old pages of Readers Digest stuffed in my back pocket with pictures of Thora Hird and June Whitfield, and the 1½ watching Wales play the Slovakians.
So, TotT is in no mood for jokes or buffoonery. "Jokes!" I hear you cry, "chance would be a fine thing." I blame Downing for this depressed mood, but onwards, towards the Valhalla that is Boro vs the Scouse second XI.
DING! DING! Round one!
Mark Schwarzer v Tim Howard
Skippy has just recovered from an operation for split sides. Although I would like to think it is because he is a regular TotT reader, my sources say he split his sides watching McClaren's post match interview after the Croatia match. Tim 'nice but dim' Howard used to be good for Manchester United. Then he went bad and Mr Ferguson said horrible words to him. Tim cried. Boo hoo.
Skippy 8pts - Dim Tim 7pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Joseph Yobo
Reports of a large predatory beast roaming the Cleveland Hills have being dismissed this week as Poga admitted he went for a picnic. Asked what was in his sandwiches, Poga replied "Huth's Achilles tendon with a bit of pickle". If Joseph Yobbo had another 'b' in his surname, he might stand a chance of getting into the Boro back four.
Poga 7pts - Yobo 7pts
Robert Huth v Joleon Lescott
"HUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!"
"Joleyn, Joleyn, Joleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyyyyn"
Huth 8pts - Joleon Lescott 7pts
Andrew Davies v Phil Neville
Mrs TotT tells me that the search to find Britain's next top model will be on Teesside on Saturday. I can confidently predict that these two bags of spanners wont be on the shortlist. I however will be, being young, handsome and with chiselled looks. The drugs do work y'know.
Davies 7pts - Neville 7pts
Andrew Taylor v Nuno Valente
TotT is pining for the return of Julio Arca, as he has much more comedy value than Taylor. No disrespect to the young lad, but a few stories about singeing your pubes whilst jumping through the legs of a flaming dwarf outside Debenhams and being chased by cannibal lesbians wouldn't go amiss. Arca does this sort of stuff every night. Valente looks like he should be on a Portugese daytime soap. Probably is.
Taylor 7pts - Valente 7pts
George Boateng v Lee Carsley / Thomas Graveson
George will have his work cut out on Saturday playing spot the difference. Here is a tip George, One is bald, boring and workmanlike; the other is bald, eaten too many pies, and plays for Celtic. Football management is soooo easy these days.
Boateng 7pts - Carsley 7pts
Fabio Rochemback v Tim Cahill
It's a much overlooked and under appreciated fact that some midfielders can actually run quite fast, and, get this, score a few goals whilst doing all that boring stuff like tackling. TotT lies awake at night wondering why this doesn't apply to the Boro midfield. Cahill on the other hand has more energy than the entire dance floor at Tall Trees in Yarm.
Fabio 6pts - Cahill 8pts
James Morrison v Leon Osman
Despite a hectic touring schedule with The Osmonds, Leon 'Crazy Horse' Osman still manages to turn out every week for the Toffees. Morrison also plays music, but he sits on a stool with an acoustic. For ninety minutes every Saturday.
Morrison 7pts - Osman 8pts
Stewart Downing v Mikel Arteta
In a brave move, Mr Gareth has brought in Bono, Kofi Annan and Nelson Mandela to the backroom staff to protect Stewey from claims he is to blame for Third World Debt, the Asian Tsunami, the invasion of Iraq, Kim Jong II's nuclear testing and the fall of the housing market in Kent. Personally, I would blame the foreign invasion of players into the Premiership, if only I had the slightest idea I was going on about.
Downing 9pts -Arteta 8pts
Jason Euell v James Beattie
Jason Euell will be worrying that if Boro do get a new manager, the man in charge will operate a last in, first out policy. Especially if that manager was your old boss at Charlton. And kept you on the bench. And made you clean the boots and come round to his house to do his garden. Beattie just looks worried in case Boro try and sign him to replace Yak.
Euell 7pts - Beattie 7pts
Yakuba v Andy Johnson
The Yak. The Yak Attack. Or lack of. All of Boro is begging you to take off the blinkers, run wild, run free, and run off to Portsmouth. Andy Johnson is the man Boro so desperatley need, although we would probably starve him of service and there would need to be a phone in Telethon to raise money for the starving Johnson. With Terry Wogan and Gaby Logan. Which is more than Boro have got up front at the moment.
Yakuba 7pts - Johnson 9pts
Summary
Boro 80pts - Everton 82pts
A bad display here and Mr Gareth may just have the nervous breakdown that his interviews, hair and erratic clothing sense have been hinting at.
A good solid home win and we might be stuck with him all season. TotT desperatley wants Mr Gareth to succeed, but also, despite fond memories, doesn't want to drop a division.
We have the players, they just need to start playing. Or cheating. Or hiding the ball.
This could be another Villa moment, and Boro will be on the receing end of an Andy Johnson double. The papers will inevitably blame Downing.
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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