|
|
MIDDLESBROUGH v NEWCASTLE TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Tale of the Tape has had a very tough, emotional, confusing week. Yes, Boro won a game of football. This momentous and totally unexpected event has left TotT in a weird parallel universe where everything (including Andrew Davies' hair) is stuck in a state of fantasy football flux.
Unfortunately, this Fantasy Island way of thinking has left TotT shouting "da plane da plane, boss!" which doesn't go down too well in built up areas.
Mrs TotT said I should lay down before I remembered Boro were facing our skunk rivals Poo-ass-hell, the thought off which has sent TotT into the far flung reaches my mind to a place only known to David Blunkett, Stephen Hawking and the fat bird from Birds of a Feather.
DING! DING! ROUND ONE!
Mark Schwarzer v Steve Harper
I was talking to Skippy last week about his season so far. However he seemed a bit jumpy and didn't say much. When I pushed him on it he put on a big pair of red boxing gloves, hopped about a bit and bopped me on my hooter. Oh how I laughed when I realised I was at London Zoo in the Kangaroo enclosure.
Steve Harper has an Open University Degree, is a qualified referee and also plays cricket. Which makes him a 'not clever enough to get into proper university', egotistical, power mad, boring toff.
Skippy 8pts - Harper 7pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Titus Bramble
Whilst I was on the psychologist's couch this week, my shrink predicted that Glenn Roeder would explode in a ball of rat hair and brylcreem when faced with Woodgate, Viduka and Huth, all of whom he tried to sign. Our boys were wise to his rodent ways, sticking two fingers up and shouting "Up yours Roland!
Also, if you see a snivelling green lump of mucus and slime around the Skunks eighteen yard box, that will be Titus 'worst player in league now Bum Song has gone' Bramble.
Woody 9pts - Tit Bramble 5pts
Robert Huth vs Peter Ramage
"Hello everyone. My name is Peter Ramage. I look like a little toy soldier from an Airfix kit, covered in glue and left in a cupboard under the stairs for twenty years where I have managed to grow full size by eating coal dust. My legs are a bit stiff mind, and the child that owned me obviously bashed me about a bit. Bye for now."
Wasn't Robert Huth good on Saturday against the Toffees?
Huth 9pts - Ramage 6pts
Julio Arca v Celestine Babyaro
I can stand it no more, and despite victory last week TotT has decided that I will be picking Arca every week even if he is injured. Sorry Taylor, you are just too reliable and boring to take the mick out of. Julio spent the week hand gliding with supermodels and juggling flaming chainsaws. As an ex-Mackem, he might get confused on Sunday and end up tacking himself.
Babyaro is not bad actually. Although anyone would stand out in the Skunk back four. Douglas Bader, Tania Grey Thompson, Gonzo from the Muppets and Heather 'not McCartney' Mills would do a better job than the current line up.
Arca 7pts - Baby 6pts
Andrew Davies v Stephen Carr
One finely coiffured hair cut versus your basic grade one skinhead. Whilst I have spent many hours amusing myself over Davies haircut (steady at the back, please), I believe young Andrew genuinely gets confidence from looking an idiot in front of 30,000 people every week. Anyway, it's better than Carr's hair. He thinks he looks hard. He doesn't. He looks like a very bad, very fat, and very drunk Phil Mitchell impersonator.
Davies 7pts - Carr 6pts
Lee Cattermole v Nobby Solano
TotT thinks it is a comedy shame that Lee Clark or Nicky Butt wont get a game. Cattermole apparently enjoyed playing on the right last week. Reports that it was because he was closer to the pies on sale in the concourse are libellous. He likes Hot Dogs. Should keep Nob Solano quiet by squirting mustard in his eyes.
Catt 7pts - Nob 7pts
George Boateng v Scott Parker
With all this confusion this week, TotT tried to calm down by watching Lille v Athen. However, whilst expecting to see Keith Allen's daughter sing her latest pop hit 'Smile', I was stuck watching some French and Greek teams argue over cheese.
"Brie!" shouted Lille
"Feta!" shouted Athen.
Boateng prefers a nice Dutch Edam whilst Parker likes the under appreciated vintage 'I think I'm good enough for England but I'm not' cheese. So does Lampard by the way.
Boat 8pts - Parker 7pts
Jason Euell v Emre
TotT had hoped to save all its best jokes for this derby clash with our skunk enemy. However, that would presume that I had any jokes in the first place. Emre was named one of the best 125 living footballers by no other than eager to please Prozac popping Pele in 2004. Then he joined Poo-ass-Hell. Strangely, Euell wasn't on the list.
Euell 7pts - Emre 6pts
Stewart Downing v Damien Duff
Many of the Boro fans were dismayed when we didn't sell Downing for £11m and buy Damien Duff for what seemed a cut price £5m, leaving £6m to spend on pies, a new suit for Mr Gareth and hair products for Rocky and Davies. However, with hindsight we have made the right decision, as Duff seems to have finally lived up to his name. With Boro heading for relegation, so might Downing.
Downing 9pts - Duff 6pts
Mark Viduka v Obafemi Martins
Viduka will be wearing a suit and tie up front for this one, his job interview for a possible January move. At least he will look better than Martins who seems to favour a red nose, clown shoes and one of those flowers that squirts water.
The Duke 8pts - Martins 6 pts
Yakuba v Shola Ameobi
Yakuba lifted some of the pressure of his back by scoring a penalty last week then immediately put it back on by missing another. Juggling being a fan's favourite and a goal shy ass is quite a skill, but one that he can learn from the master in his opposite number Shola 'Ameobi not Amoeba' Ameobi.
Yak 8pts - Amoeba 7pts
Summary
Boro 87pts - Skunks 69pts
TotT believes this will be the game where Mr Gareth comes of age, and delivers a cruel punishing blow. Hopefully this will be to our skunk opponents and not to the man who coordinated his multicoloured suit last week.
Actually, that is unfair. In TotT's first column, I mentioned that Boro success would be built around Mr Gareth's attire and his willingness to wear a suit. The first time he puts one on and its three points in the bag and best performance of the season. He just needs to avoid looking like Jason (Euell) and his Technicolor Dream Coat. And no comedy ties with pictures of Paul Robinson on.
Newcastle will hold all the jokers here in a team line up that could at one point in the game read:
Harper Rams Carr, Tit Nob Butt, Duff Dyer Baby, Amoeba Sibierski.
A good game beckons, and TotT is confident of a 4-1 win. Yes, you read it right, 4-1. And no, I am not joking (am I ever?).
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
|
|
|
|
