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MANCHESTER CITY v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Tale of the Tape spent the week celebrating Boro's win over our skunk neighbours. However, times are hard at TotT, with barely two pennies to rub together. Still, a celebration is a celebration and everyone loves a party with a happy atmosphere. Just ask Russ Abbott.
So TotT got his kicks this week licking the creosote of next doors fence and eating some dubious looking mushrooms. At least I think they were mushrooms, but the creosote had kicked in and for all I know they could have been a little present from the local stray cat.
The effects of this backyard DIY party have left me in a vegative state, not unlike Malcom MacDonald, but luckily that nice Mr Murdoch has put the Boro game back to Monday, giving me a couple more days to speculate on why Mark Viduka's 'broken toe' has coincided with his annual winter break from playing football.
DING! DING! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Nicky Weaver
News reaches TotT that Schwarzer will be sold in January to an Australian TV network to replace Steve Irwin. Current favourites to replace the Boro favourite are Rick Waller, Two-ton-Tony Tubbs from Judge Dread comic 2000AD, Dawn French and Andy Fordham. Mr Gareth will get rid of the midfield as they are useless anyway, and play these behemoths in goal, all at the same time. Nicky Weaver sounds like the name of a man who has a chain of boutique hairdressers in Didsbury. He probably has.
Skippy 8pts - Weaver 7pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Sylvian Dystin
Woody was lucky to get away with a rare mistake against the Skunks. However, when he popped round for tea last week he said it wasn't a mistake as he could see Obefemi Martins would get the ball and miss. Which he did. That's a football brain if ever I opened it up with a knife and saw one. Dystin..Jesus, Mary and Joseph, Allah and the prophets, Haille Selassie, Buddha, and that great goddess in the sky, Charlotte Church, I thank you all for stopping Sylvanian Families Dystin signing for the Boro.
Woody 8pts - Dystin 7pts
Robert Huth v Richard Dunne
Our German correspondent assures TotT that Huth is pronounced Huuut, like if you fancy a pizza after eight pints. Richard Dunne has recovered over the past few seasons from being the worst player ever to have featured in the Premiership, to being just about OK. Although after last week's own goal of the season from Dunne, Boro will be looking to exploit his weaknesses, or at least be looking for a pizza after eight pints.
Huuutt 8pts - Dunne 7pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Micah Richards
After a few licks of creosote, TotT likes to get adventurous. Normally this would be pissing over the hedge or arranging the gnomes into a deranged orgy. However, this week adventure means playing 3-5-2 and taking the game to City. The main reason for the change is that Pogo threatened the entire backroom staff by swinging Mr Gareth around his head like a broadsword. Fair enough Pogo, OK, OK, I get your point, you can play but please put the boss down. Micah Richards is quite good and swore on TV, which is to be encouraged I think. More please Micah in the form of "Fucking bastard ref, it was never a pissing penalty, and neither were the other fuckiing nine", as Boro go on to win 5-0.
Pogo 8pts - Richards 7pts
Lee Cattermole v Trevor Sinclair
Cattermole had a near miss this week as Madonna watched Channel 4's worst places to live programme. Seeing that Middlesbrough was in the top ten, she thought it was so deprived she flew into Teeside airport and tried to adopt an under privileged youngster. Clatters soon put her right with a kick up the jacksy and off she went to Malawi. Three words can summarise Trevor Sinclair. Chicken, headless and drunken.
Clatters 8pts - Trev 7pts
George Boateng v Joey Barton
George's legs have recently resembled a rusty Meccano set from the 1970's. Much loved, very battered and hardly ever used. However, they kick into full on Roadrunner style as he flees away from the sight of Joey Barton's arse.
George 8pts - Barton 7pts
Fabio Rochemback v Dietar Hamman
Rocky returns to the midfield on Monday with a point to prove. The point being that no one on Teeside thinks he could hit the target even if he was firing cluster bombs from his left foot. Hamman is a solid professional, although using a zimmer frame and a Stanna stair lift to reach the high balls is taking it a bit too far.
Fabio 8pts - Hamman 7pts
Stewart Downing v Michael Johnson
Downing will be handed a free, roving role in the Boro midfield on Monday. What this means is unclear, but if anyone sees him at the train station asking how much to White Hart Lane, have a word. NBA star Michael Johnson will hope his basketball experience will transfer to the Premiership as Pearce brings in a showbiz signing. Oh, not that Michael Johnson.
Downing 8pts - Johnson 7pts
James Morrison v Stephen Jordan
Back in the team after a two-week break in Ibiza, where TotT understands he had it 'Large', Morrison promises to score today if only so he can show off the Aceeeed Smiley Face tattoo he had done on his arse. Speculation that it looks like Andrew Davies will have to go on hold til he scores. Which might be some time. Jordan is in the team for City as Ben Thatcher is warming up for his fight against Joe Calzaghe.
Morrison 8pts - Jordan 7pts
Jason Euell v Bernardo Corradi
Euell seems to be winning a place in Boro hearts. This is mainly down to his frantic running around and wild misfiring shots that remind us of Pollock, Emerson and John Hendrie. The move to 3-5-2 may get Euell a goal, as he will be a little bit closer and it may go in off someone's arse. Well, it works for Frank Lampard. Bernardo Corradi is a distant cousin of Bernard Cribbens. Jackanory?
Euell 8pts - Corradi 7pts
Yakuba v Georgios Samaras
With the Duke sidelined by a toe injury which will conveniently keep him out till the January transfer window, the Yak will have to continue his recent, er, goal fest. Samaras is equally as frustrating as Yak, and as likely to fire one in from 200 yards as he is to miss a sitter. What do these fellas do in training all day? Here is a ball, kick it between those two white things, goal, easy isn't it?
Yak 8pts - Samaras 7pts
Summary
Boro 88pts - Citeh 77pts
Manchester Citeh are not to be underestimated. Shite they may be but they do have a tendency to suddenly look a very attacking side. However, if the Boro camp is as together as Woody says it is, Boro will come over all Gandalf (don't rearrange those words) and cry "THOU SHALT NOT PASS". Unfortunately, this confuses the Boro midfield, who then stage a sit in on the halfway line, and spend ninety minutes looking for Oasis in the crowd.
Boro players get eight points each this week in a vain attempt to instil some consistency. Citeh get seven points a man in a blatant act of laziness and biased reporting.
Now, where is that creosote....
Citeh 1 - Boro 2
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