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WATFORD v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
The mighty Boro raced into a Champions League spot this week after 72 hours continuous play on Pro Evolution 6. Sadly, TotT's eyes now have scaffolding attached in a vain attempt to keep them in my head.
Even sadder is that such amphetamine fuelled sessions (ok, it was Red Bull and Sherbet Dib Dabs) on the PS2 are the only hope of Boro scoring, winning or even turning up at Watford. Mind the Gap, it's a long way down.
DING! DING! ROUND ONE!
Mark Schwarzer v Ben Foster
Boro are bad, real bad. They are badder than Michael Jackson at a pyjama party at Neverland. But at least Skippy hasn't been to blame or kicked up a fuss. Not yet anyway, and January is around the corner. Ben Foster is the heir to an Australian lager franchise and on loan from Manchester United. He will be Boro's best chance of a goal if he combines both skills.
Skippy 8pts - Foster 5pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Jordan Stewart
Woody has settled nicely into the team, and has the respect of the whole squad apart from Chris Riggot who spends his days fiendishly working out ways to injure or upset Woody. This week saw him hypnotise Woody into letting Lee Cattermole mark Richard Dunne in Manchester. Please note that the Watford website is the worst one I have perused this season and info is lacking on their players. Jordan Stewart could have eight legs for all I know. Which is not a lot. Like Paul Daniels.
Woody 8pts - Stewart 7pts
Robert Huth v Jay DeMerit
Sky viewers will have loved watching Huth in a Boro shirt on Monday, confirming that he is still a ruthless assassin, sorry, toothless ass in ass. He somehow managed the skill of playing all eleven positions at once and managing to get booked in every one. Jay De Merit used to play for Green Bay in Wisconsin, but not American Football, but soccer. I hate the word soccer. It's more annoying and painful than some fusion of Vorderman, Gambacini, Lawro, Kerry Katona and a box full of fireworks.
Huth 7pts - DeMerit 7pts
Abel Xavier v Lloyd Doyley
"He is back! Rejoice! Hallelujah! Praise be!" That was Andrew Davies speaking about Abel yesterday after realising he doesn't have the worst fucking haircut in the league. Even getting drooped hasn't dulled his celebrations as he stuck a banger up his bum shouting "Penny for the Guy!" Doyley likes to sit in the centre and mop up spilt crumbs.
Xavier 7pts - Doyley 7pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Malky Mackay/ Shittu
Poga could be up against the most Scottish sounding Scotsman ever. Mackay is so Scottish is face skin is pure Lorne Sausage and his innards are 1000% white pudding and haggis. He plays in a kilt and bagpipes and has a tattoo of the Loch Ness Monster on his genitals. Poga takes this in his stride by admitting he doesn't even know where Billingham is, never mind Scotland. However, Shittu will probably play and there are no gags to be had with a name like Shittu.
Poga 7pts - Mackay 7pts
George Boateng v Gavin Mahon
Poor old George, he is getting it in the neck lately. And the back. And the legs, ankles, hip and head as his body seems to have seized up. However, we have the power, we have the technology and we have scraped together a few quid and some bits and bobs from Wilkinson's to turn George into The Six Hundred Quid Man. He should be the equal to Mahon as the Watford man also has dodgy knees.
George 6pts - Mahon 6pts
Lee Cattermole v Damian Francis
Cattermole returns to the right side of midfield at Watford as club joker Julio Arca told him the Watford Gap was somewhere in the centre circle. No information exists for Francis on their website, so I asked Abel Xavier if he knew him. "Si Senior TotT, he has snakes for hair, and pork scratching coming out of his ears. His nose is a slice of the finest chorizo and fireworks fly from his large bottom. On Sundays he smokes blue frogs between the thighs of multi-limbed maidens". TotT will not be asking Abel for advice again.
Clatters 6pts - Francis 6pts
Stewart Downing v Hameur Bouzaa
Mr Gareth will be keeping Downing on a short lease, sorry, leash this weekend as Watford is y'know, near London. After the dismal display on Monday, Stewey will want to guarantee Prem football next season. So he'll sign for Reading. Or Watford. Or Charlton. Watford play about eight strikers and the aptly named Hornet here is Bouzza (see what I did there, no!?!) He is quicker than disgraced sprinter Ben Johnson after a night round Abels's House. Allegedly.
Downing 8pts - Bouzza 7pts
Fabio Rochemback v Tommy Smith
Whilst most Brazilians are famed for their trickery and skills, Boro used up their quota in little legs Juninho, leaving us Dave Doriva and Fabio. Fabio in particularly learnt his skills fighting pit bulls in the favelas of Rio. Obviously Fabio's shooting boots were chewed up by some samba crazed Labrador. Ex-Liverpool legend Tommy Smith now plies his trade with the Hornets.
Fabio 7pts - Smith 8pts
Yakuba v Ashley Young
Yakuba made £6.70 on Halloween as a large section of fans said he was the scariest sight in a Boro shirt since Paul Wilkinson's tache and threw loose change at the Nigerian striker. Ashley Young looks about eight, but at least runs in the right direction.
Yak 7pts - Young 7pts
Massimo Maccarone v Darius Henderson
It comes to something when one of your most frustrating player is seen as something of a saviour, but Massimo could prove himself here and go on to be the player he has always promised to be. Or we could sell him and watch him score twenty a season for Sunderland. Our prayers are with you baldy. Henderson on the other hand auditioned for Big Foot and the Hendersons but didn't get the part of the Sasquatch as he was too big, too cumbersome and his arse was too hairy.
Massimo 8pts - Henderson 6pts
Summary
BORO 79pts - HORNETS 73pts
I'd rather Boro were going to Old Trafford than Vicarage Road this weekend. We are sitting ducks at the moment and Watford will see this as a big six-pointer and a relegation decider.
Xavier will probably sit this out but I included his hair just for light relief. Massimo is always good value, sorry, good comedy value but may prove to be the match winner in a very tough, very gruesome game. I mean, these are two of the ugliest sides in the league.
TotT struggled this week (like most weeks) to make any gags as the Boro roller coaster is more depressing than usual. CMON BORO, let's sort it out.
So....0-0.
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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