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MIDDLESBROUGH v WEST HAM TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
As TotT wearily rose from bed this morning, the prospect of ahem, digesting the Opta stats, reading all the papers, surfing the web and calling the top brass at West Ham as part of my very in-depth research for this column didn't seem all too appealing. There is a malaise at Boro that is spreading throughout the fans quicker than herpes at Stringfellows on grab a scabby granny night.
Then, in between the sounds of sirens and gunshot that ring out in my ghetto (ok, it was the milkman), I heard a faint whisper, a sound so appealing, so alluring that I thought the Lollipop lady I've been making eyes at on the school run must have picked up my signals.
Alas no, but the sound continued, mixing with the faint smell of beer and Embassy Regal (I was sure it was the Lollipop Lady at this point). Then it became clearer, it was the ghost of Ayresome's past, and it was singing a sweet sweet song. "We'll support you forever more..We'll support you, We'll support you, We'll support you forever more, Weeee'lll support you forever more".
And with that, I jumped out of bed, made a cup of tea and watched the Jeremy Kyle Show.
Ding! Ding! Round One!!
Mark Schwarzer v Robert Green
"I spend £200 a day on gak and my neighbour is sleeping with my wife - and I don't care". Nothing to do with Skippy of course, its just on the Jeremy Kyle show. Robert Green was the founder member of Fleetwood Mac before going a bit weird and joining West Ham. Or was that Peter Green. No matter, both good goalies who deserve more. They have kids to feed you know. Skippy looks nervously round to see if Dean Ashton is at La Riv.
Skippy 8pts - Green 8pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Anton Ferdinand
When the world finally crumbles to dust under the effects of global warming and Wilton ICI, when there is no man, woman or child left standing; when through some bizarre radiation mutation, ants have learnt to talk, you know what their last words will be before Earth shatters into lots of little bits. They'll say: "Dear Lord, did civilisation really need two Ferdinands in the Premier League, with their stupid corn row haircuts and jumping on the shoulders of celebrating team mates."
Woody 8pts - Stupid Hair 7pts
Robert Huth v Danny Gabbidon
Robert Huth's backbone is made from steel, his feet from iron and his head from granite, although I'm reliably informed he still uses wash'n'go in the shower. Danny Gabbidon on the other hand is made up from the crumbs that are left in the bottom of the biscuit barrel and stuck together with spittle from the mouth of an angry Alan 'one-punch' Pardew.
Huuuuuuuuth 7pts - Gabbidon 6pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Paul Konchesky
Pogatetz will welcome his long lost midget love-child son today in the form of Tevez. If this Father and son get to stand next to each other it will all become obvious, or at least we will see two stages on the evolutionary scale/the Hulk transforming. Konchesky is lower down the scale than the pair of them.
Pogatetz 8pts - Konchesky 6pts
Abel Xavier v Jonathan Spector
Fresh from a supporting role in Star Trek, Xavier will be blowing his nose in anticipation at making his second debut for Boro, especially as the drug inspectors turned up last week at Watford. Jonathan Spector is the son of Wall of Sound producer/genius/maverick/gonzo girl group impresario Phil Spector and is from Chicago, Yoo - Ess - Ayy. Which means he will be carrying a Magnum.22 down his duds.
Abel 7pts - Spector 7pts
Stewart Downing v Matthew Etherington
These two skilful players will cancel each other out as they swap phone numbers. Etherington wonders why he left Spurs, and Downing wishes he had joined Spurs. The closest Downing is going to get to Spurs this season is at the club's Cowboy and Indian Xmas party at the local curry house.
Downing 8pts - Etherington 6pts
George Boateng v Hayden Mullins
George is fighting fit, this week after an intensive course of gamma radiation therapy, which has the effect of turning him green, growling and slowly chasing people around. Much like before then. TotT's obsession with haircuts continues with Mullins, who looks like he has taped his hair to his head and poured bitumen over it. Classy, if a bit sticky.
George 6pts - Mullins 6pts
Lee Cattermole v Nigel Reo Coker
As the winter nights set in, and there is a chill in the air, TotT fears for Lee Cattermole. Any more poor performances from Boro and Clatters may start blubbing again, with his tears forming icicles on his face. No such worries for Reo Coker, who is one of the better players on the field today. Only chance of him crying is if Wenger doesn't call for him in January.
Clatters 7pts - Reo Coker 8pts
Fabio Rochemback v Yossi Benayoun
TotT wishes Juninho was still around instead of lumbering lard arse Fabio. Hope is at hand with Boro's record of trying to sign players who play well against them. Yossi, whilst not quite as good as little legs, would be an ideal person to run around in circles and shoot wildly whilst being hacked at by opponents. Whats the Isreali version of the Samba beat?
Fabio 6pts - Yosser Hughes 8pts
Jason Euell v Marlon Harewood
The Premier League is full of many things such as superstar players, expanding egos, battling hard men and respected legends. It also is home to a frustrating species, the Latin of which is Fuckit Ricketts Hitus Barnus Doorus. Here are two fine examples.
Michael Ricketts 5pts - Michael Ricketts 5pts
Yakuba v Bobby Zamora
Whilst TotT would like to see West Ham's Argentinian players starting, if only so I could say both sides will go down quicker than the Belgrano, Zamora will start today. The Yak is currently suffering a severe case of Slow Motion Sickness, which he caught of Mark Viduka.
Yak 7pts - Zammo from Grange Hill 8pts
Summary
Boro 79 - Hammers 75
Urghhhhhhhh, where to begin.
If any more motivation was needed, Mr Gareth can point to last season's FA Cup Semi Final when we were robbed by the bubble blowers, despite playing them off Villa Park for most of the game.
However, a cattle prod would be the best bet, and luckily our new old boy Abel has one in his kit bag for getting his hair to stand on end.
I fear for Mr Gareth, mainly because Pardew fancies himself as an East End hard man, despite looking like he is a department manager in B&Q. In preparation, Mr Gareth has been watching lots of Ray Winstone movies which has led him to start shouting "I'm having the fahckin calamari!" at the dinner ladies in La Riv's canteen.
So, a whole article without any cockernee rhyming slang, mainly because I don't want to call my beloved Boro a bunch of lazy James Blunts.
Sort it out Boro. Please.
Boro 1- West Ham 1
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