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MIDDLESBROUGH v LIVERPOOL TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
In a rare moment of frantic activity, TotT was written on Monday morning this week instead of the usual hour before the deadline. The editor soon dismissed any worries that this would dilute the quality of the jokes as he said he couldn't find any.
So, with a brain fuddled by an evening out with Motorhead, and the joyous relief that three points against West Ham brought, TotT is happy to report that this week's column will be the same old gags, but just in a different order.
Calm down, calm down, ey, ey, calm down. Yes, It's Liverpool.
DING DING!! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Pepe Reina
Poor old Skippy is missing home so much he tried to smuggle himself inside the body of Oz bound 'celebrity' David Gest. He would have made it too, except there wasn't enough room as Gest's anal cavity was full of Liza Minnelli's missing jewellery. Pepe Reina's attempts to transform himself into a Rafa Benitez look-alike are going well, although judging from the pong he should try and adopt the Spaniard's rotation policy to his underwear.
Skippy 8pts - Pepe 7pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Sammy Hypia
Like Liza Minnelli, Woody has a diva like entourage that follow him about like a bad smell. Reports that he drank a Boro pub dry this week have been dismissed as he actually drank all the pubs in Boro dry. Like Hypia, a career in the media beckons after retirement for Woody, as long as that media is badly dubbed Nordic porn.
Woody 8pts - Hypia 7pts
Robert Huth v Jamie Carragher
TotT puts the Huth in the team regularly, as I don't want to think of him as a(nother) multi million pound substitute. In preparation for this game, Huth has been catching up on 80's classic Boys from the Blackstuff. It will help his vocabularly, and Yosser's immortal line of "Gissa Job" seems to be apt. Jamie 'Ey, La, Michael and Stevie are me best mates, like' Carragher is allegedly best friends with Michael Owen and Steven Gerrard.
Huth 8pts - Carragher 7pts
Abel Xavier v Steve Finnan
Abel Luís da Silva Costa Xavier is an ex-Liverpool player and has been giving Mr Gareth some much needed info such as the best nightclubs in Liverpool and where all the Wags do their shopping. Steve Finnan is allegedly a bit of a ladies man around Liverpool, and has recently been seen out with Cilla Black, Lilly Savage and Nerys Hughes from the Liver Birds.
Xavier 7pts - Finnan 6pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v John Arne Risse
Poga seems eager to lose his Mad Dog nickname. Reports reach COB towers that he had joined a knitting circle and has been attending Kabbalah classes. When TotT caught up with Poga and pushed him on this, he politely informed me that he would 'stick a knitting fucking needle up yer kafuckingballah' if I mentioned it again. Nice one Poga. Risse will no doubt score a goal from about 80 yards, despite being a ginge.
Poga 8pts - Risse 7pts
George Boateng v Steven Gerrard
Some burly looking scouse men in leather jackets have warned TotT that any mention or slight hint as to the reasons behind Gerrard's shocking display of form this season will not be tolerated. If I breathe a word of it they will chop of my head, glue it to my backside and force feed me Vindaloo's for a month before dragging me naked through Birkenhead with a sign attached saying 'free bum sex'. All of which would be more pleasurable than watching old George Boateng creak around the Riverside.
George 6pts - Gerrard 7pts
Julio Arca v Bolo Zenden
Bolo has been moonlighting as the gorilla in the Mighty Boosh, and remodelling his arse into a flat rectangle shape on the Liverpool bench since leaving Boro. A couple of recent performances have confirmed he still flatters to deceive and will be signing for Boro in January. Arca celebrates his recall to the team by burning an effigy of Stewart Downing made from pipe cleaners and nasal hair.
Arca 6pts - Zenden, 30 pieces of silver or 6pts
Lee Cattermole v Xabi Alonso
Xabi comes from a famous footballing family. His dad Miguel Angel 'Periko' Alonso was a star for Barcelona and won two league titles with Real Sociedad. Xabi's brother, fellow midfielder Mikel Alonso, is also on Real Sociedad's books. None of which will have alerted Boro's scouting network that were last seen lost in Stuart's Park chatting to the llamas.
Clatters 7pts - Alonso 7pts
James Morrison v Jermaine Pennant
One of the many things that seem to terrify the Boro is pure unadulterated pace, so Rafa will select Pennant today. However, the weight of his Asbo tag around his ankle slows him down to such a degree that even James Morrison should be able to catch him up. Morrison has gone to such lengths to prove he is the most naturally gifted right-footed player in the squad that he has sawn off his left peg and is looking forward to a civil ceremony with Paul MacCartney.
Morrison 6pts - Pennant 6pts
Massimo Maccarone / Jason Euell v Dirk Kuyt
If there was one man in need of an image makeover then it is Jason Euell, if only to disguise himself just in case Curbishley becomes the Boro boss. It would help his confidence, if not his shooting ability. He would do well though to avoid taking tips from Dirk Kuyt, a man who looks like a porn star zombie after a particularly rough night out on the lash. Massimo is busy polishing his head just in case he gets a start.
Euell/Massimo 6pts - Kuyt - 7pts
Yakuba v Peter Crouch
TotT has so much confidence in the Yak that I predict a hat trick here as Boro cruise to a 3-0 half time lead, only to lose 3-4 as the Boro players are carrying For Sale signs around in the second half. Crouch grabs all four for the scousers, as well as some hubcaps and BMW badges from the player's car park.
Yak 6pts - Crouch 7pts
Summary
Boro 70pts - Scousers 73pts
Despite Mr Gareth's tactics of getting the squad to don shell suits and comedy wigs and taches, Boro will struggle against Liverpool who should pick up their first away win. Victory, or anything even close for Boro will be gained via a cunning plan of laying mines and trip wires across the eighteen-yard line. Ok, so Heather Mills won't like it, but every scouser in the world wants to piss her off at the moment.
Every woman in Boro will be topping up their Teesside Tan in the vain hope of snagging a famous footballer in the car park and becoming a WAG. The unlucky ones will have to make do with going dogging and comparing haircuts with Xavier and Andrew Davies.
Although Scouseland is famous for its sense of humour (you would have to be a fucking comedian to let Welsh bum-face Bellamy into your squad), most of the laughs will be watching Bolo the monkey trying to impress Mr Gareth by riding around the pitch in circles on a mini-motorbike with a little red hat with a propellers on it. Mr Gareth, suitably impressed and dressed in a lycra cat suit with a felt tanktop, offers him a five year deal and £20 worth of vouchers for Argos.
If it's still feasible to call Liverpool one of the big clubs this season, then we might scramble a jammy win or maybe a draw. If not, at least we might be able to bag some knock off gear from the back of a scouse lorry. I could do with a new HD TV and DVD player. Or as they say in scouse land, an Aytch Deeee Teeee Veeee and a DeeeeVeeeeDeeeeeeeee, la.
Finally, Jerzey Dudek doh don't de doh (to be said in a Scouse accent).
Boro 1- Liverpool 1
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