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ASTON VILLA v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Tale of the Tape has been trying very hard to get into the Christmas spirit that started way back in September. This morning I tucked into a dozen mince pies and a bottle of sherry before rattling of six cans of lager and rooting around in the bedroom looking for Christmas presents.
Unfortunately, the sherry must have been off and I projectile vomited half digested mince pies all across the bed. Although used to such behaviour, Mrs TotT wasn't too happy, especially as she was in the bed and I'd found the bottle of Hai-Karate aftershave that she had bought me for Crimbo.
Boro on the other hand have been in the Christmas spirit for ages, extending our annual Yuletide miserable form right back into August. And with Mr Gareth firmly in place as manager, a trip to Villa Park to see how Martin O'Neill is getting on couldn't be a more miserable prospect.
Ding! Ding! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Thomas Sorenson
Skippy put in a marvellous performance last week against the Scousers. A performance only matched in endurance later in the week when he stayed up all night to watch day one of the Ashes, surviving on ten Red Bulls, a kangaroo sandwich and some industrial strength amphetamine. Sorenson is regularly one of the cheaper keepers in Fantasy League, which has caused him more stress than Marcus Tresothick going on his holidays.
Skippy 8pts - Sorenson 7pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Olaf Melberg
These two last met at the 'I'm a porn star lookalike, get me into her' awards ceremony in Billingham. Despite Melberg being Swedish, Woody walked away with the top porn honours, mainly because he is called Woody.
Woody 9pts - Melberg 8pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Liam Ridgwell
Poga is in great danger of being Boro's player of the season. If we were honest, nobody would have expected that. However, he blows his chances today by pulling a Megaton hissy fit that makes Ridgwell's pubic hair straighten.
Poga 8pts - Ridgwell 7pts
Andrew Davies v Aaron Hughes
The world waited with baited breat this week to see if Davies would pick up an award at the annual Premiership Football Hairstyles ceremony. The tension was high, and the quality even higher as Davies was on a shortlist containing Abel Xavier, Didier Droghba and Dirk Kuyt. But our man walked away with the golden comb award for 'Best hatchet job done at home with a pair of pliers and some Dettol'. Good work that man.
Davies 7pts - Hughes 6pts
Andrew Taylor v Wilfred Bouma
Whilst our young right back is a very good player, Taylor's agent has enlisted the services of a top PR agency in an attempt to make him more interesting. He recently attempted to date a model, but the advice was horribly mistaken when he got an Airfix model super glued to his genitals. Wifred Bouma is a comedy name, surely.
Taylor 7pts - Bouma 7pts
George Boateng v Stylian Petrov
George is currently keeping ginger OAP Ray Parlour out of the first team. Which is a shame for Ray's ex-wife as she is trying to survive on half of fuck all that Ray earns packing shelves at Wilkinsons. Petrov returns and could prove the difference today in what could be the game to cure all the world's insomniacs.
George 6pts - Petrov 8pts
Fabio Rochemback v Gareth Barry
TotT made a pledge to be nice to the Boro players, as I admit I have said some very unkind things recently, all in the name of so called comedy. However, having ingested a litre of Night nurse, all bets were off. Fabio Rochemback should be deported as soon as possible. Not only that, he should go in a crate full of tarantulas, who will make a nest in his hair. Gareth Barry or any kid in the area wearing red could take over for the afternoon.
Fabio 5pts - Barry 8pts
James Morrison v Gabriel Agbonlahor
TotT awarded Morrison the MotM last week, although you couldn't see me on MotD because I was playing silly SodS with Garth Crooks. Anyway, Agbonlahor could tear Boro a new arsehole today if someone doesn't chainsaw his feet off in the warm up.
Morrison 7pts - Agbonlahor 7pts
Jason Euell v Luke Moore
If TotT hadn't been given a lobotomy recently, I may be able to tell you some facts about Luke Moore, such as the vague memory that he embarrassed Boro last season. If Euell doesn't score this week I will administer my own lobotomy on him using a blunt spoon and a Fisher Price Doctors and Nurses kit. Reports that he has had his feet amputated are unconfirmed.
Euell 6pts - Moore 7pts
Julio Arca v Chris Sutton
Julio's plan to be centre forward by Christmas seems to be going OK. His complete lack of defensive awareness and willingness to shoot wildly at passing seagulls make him a good candidate. Actually, TotT likes Arca. Well, more than Rochemback anyway. Sutton will lumber around aimlessly and inadvertently score in the ninetieth minute, before signing for Boro.
Arca 7pts - Sutton 7pts
Yakuba v Juan Pablo Angel
There will come a day when Yakuba suddenly realises that he is facing the wrong way, turn around and actually score five every game. Until pigs are seen flying past blue moons, we'll just have to put up with the odd scuff in or lucky penalty. The same could easily apply to Angel, who at least has God on his side.
Yak 7pts - Angel 7pts
Summary
Boro 77pts - Villa 78pts
Whilst I wouldn't like to advocate the use of drugs and alcohol, I urge you to take copious amounts of both to dull the tedium of what promises to be a cold, wet, brain-ache of an afternoon. Either that or go out and buy your loved ones something nice for Christmas. TotT has bought Mrs TotT a lovely Middlesbrough FC G-string. Well, the girl in the shop said they would go down easy, and that was me, sold.
Among this doom and gloom is the faint hope that we have one of the better defences in the league (on paper at least) and that we may nick one at the end. If we could nick Gareth Barry on the way out as well that would help, although you just know we'd end up with Mark Delaney.
TotT will be there at Villa Park, cheering the lads on. The drugs, quite clearly, do work.
Villa 1 - Boro 0
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