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MIDDLESBROUGH v MANCHESTER UNITED TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
As regular readers of TotT will be aware, tactical analysis is far from it's strong point. Why, even last week, Andrew Taylor was described as a right back and I was pressing for Julio Arca to play up front...
However, as I follow Boro, a team that insists that Yakuba, Maccarone and Christie are a Premiership strike force, then I feel my lack of positional sense, adhering to stupid things like positions and formations and even spelling the players names right are just minor bad habits I've picked up from supporting Boro.
Usually, I just write all the names out on little bits of paper, chuck them up in the air and see where they fall. If it's good enough for Mr Gareth and his Technicolor wardrobe, then it's good enough for me.
So as winter's icy chill starts to take hold on Teesside, this week's game is billed as Thunder on the Tundra.
Ding Ding!! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Edwin Van De Sar
For once, and possibly the only time in this column's history - a true story. TotT once bumped into Van de Sar doing his shopping with his family. When I say bumped into him, I mean I saw him in the street rather than doing a broadside into his designer clobber shopping bags. He was very tall and looked like Rodney from Only Fools and Horses. If only Dave Doriva was still here at Boro as Del Boy. Meanwhile, Skippy has been drunker than a rat in a barrel of rum this week as he celebrates the Aussies pummelling the England cricket team.
Skippy 8pts - Van De Sar 8pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Rio Ferdinand
McClaren will be back at La Riv on England duties to watch these two battle it out for a place in the England defence. Woody will get the nod as Ginger Mac gets his revenge for that time when Rio Beadle wrote 'kick me' on the back of Mac's coat. Who's merked now eh, eh? TotT really dislikes Rio, who manages to combine acting the fool and looking like a horse, and getting paid thousands of pounds for doing it.
Woody 9pts - Rio 7pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Nemanja Vidic
Vidic may (rightly) be getting all the accolades at the moment, but Poga must be the most improved player in the league. All this comes crashing down around him though on Xmas Day as he plays Fifa 06 on his Playstation, realising he really was a donkey last year. Showed a return to his Mad Dog days last week as he managed a triple salsa whilst aerially bumming Thomas Sorenson. TotT loves Poga.
Poga 8pts - Vidic 8pts
Andrew Taylor v Gabriel Heinze
Taylor, a LEFT BACK, looks like being a permanent fixture in the team, which can only be a good thing, especially if you are Christian Ronaldo. Heinze on the other hand will be facing the terrifying pace of James Morrison. Heinze comes from Patagonia, speaks Welsh (true!) and pumps a lot.
Taylor 6pts - Heinze 7pts
Abel Xavier v Gary Neville
Wouldn't we all love Gary Neville a whole lot more if he looked like our Abel. Xavier was brilliant against Villa last week, great tackles, held onto the ball, bombed (well, jogged) down the right and provided at least four or five comedy moments. I do feel for Andrew Davies. He was in the side, had a bloody funny haircut which in normal circumstances would be enough, and then Abel comes waltzing back in, the only man who looks more ridiculous. TotT grudgingly respects Gary Neville.
Xavier 6pts - Neville 8pts
Stewart Downing v Ryan Giggs
I have no idea if Stewey is fit or not, but included him because TotT is missing him. Rumours that he bought himself a Spurs kit for Xmas are unconfirmed but he has been wearing bagels as ear muffs so that might be a clue. Ryan Giggs can still creak around most defences and is possibly the hairiest man-child seen in the Prem. The plughole in the showers must be a bastard to clean.
Downing 7pts - Giggs 7pts
Julio Arca v Michael Carrick
Arca keeps his place in midfield as Rocky has finally dug a hole big enough to hibernate in. Actually, it was Arca who dug the hole and pushed him in with a smile. Carrick still looks a little lost for United, so will probably score against Boro, before breaking a leg tripping over the pile of soil covering Rocky.
Arca 6pts - Carrick 6pts
Lee Cattermole v Paul Scholes/John O'Shea
Paul Scholes could play blindfold on one leg whilst eating a Sunday Roast and still outplay most people, especially Jason Euell. At least Clatters will run around a bit and attempt to foul Ginger Knob. Cries of 'Garlic bread' and 'Avanti' might be heard on Saturday as Peter Kay look-alike O'Shea does that trick of running around a lot but not being very good.
Clatters 6pts - Scholes 8pts
George Boateng v Christian Ronaldo
The Old George was back in full force last week instead of just being plain old George. The effort took his toll now so he had to get out the zimmer in training and use the Stanner stairlift that Ray Parlour uses to get up to the pool room at Hurworth. Ronaldo will get the jeers but is still one of the more entertaining players. Oops, sorry, most entertainingly ugly players.
Boat 7pts - Ronaldo 8pts
James Morrison v Louis Saha
Christie loses out this week, as he was so far offside at Villa Park he couldn't find his way back. Morrison continues to get better and will be asking questions of the United team, such as if Saha has lost his head, where did he lose it? On the dairy aisle at James' namesake supermarket? Down the back of the settee? Where ferchrissakes?
Morrison 8pts - Saha 7pts
Yakuba v Wayne Rooney
As the cold air gets chillier on Teesside, Yakuba will be stocking up on thermals to wear on Saturday. Thermal gloves, thermal Long Johns, thermal Socks and twenty thermal vests to be worn at the same time. Some crueller people might say he has been wearing a thermal padded jacket under his shirt all season but TotT wouldn't do that. TotT does like Yak but would say score some goals you podgy unmotivated plank. The Scouse Shrek looks on hoping TotT won't mention wrinkly old hookers or ask him for a few quid out of his 100k a week salary. By all means look on in wonder as he bedazzles the Boro defence, but remember he earns more in a month than you will earn in a lifetime.
Yak 6pts - Rooney 9pts
Summary
Boro 78pts - Manchester United 83pts
Ferguson will select a strong team against Boro as he knows we play well against the big teams. He will also breath a sarcastic breath of relief that Mendieta isn't playing, or doing much of anything at all come to think of it.
Mr Gareth shuffles his squad again, rolls the dice, plays a few tricks and cries Yahtzee as he opens his Christmas games compendium a few weeks early. Let's hope Mrs Gareth has bought him nice clothes.
As always with the Boro, a difficult one to call, especially after the positives of last week, such as the linesman being blinder than David Blunkett.
Ferguson may be distracted as he his trying to set up a Christmas meal with Russian tycoon Roman Abramovich. Apparently he knows this lovely little Sushi Bar in London....
Anyway, the heart says 1-1, the head says shut up you fool, this is going to be a walkover and United will get 4 or 5.
Boro 1 - Manchester United 1
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