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TOTTENHAM HOTSPUR v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Apologies. TotT woke up this morning in a self inflicted haze, late for work
and unaware that Boro were down in the smoke playing Stewart Downing's
favourite team. So this column may not have the usual high quality gags and
incisive cutting edge analysis that it usually does. Ok, stop laughing at the back.
It may be the season of goodwill but no-one seems to be interested in taking
Parlour, Mendieta, Rochemback and the rest of the halfwits currently
'playing' for Boro off our hands. Still, the Spurs game is a timely piece of window
shopping for Martin Jol.
DING DING!! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Paul Robinson
TotT has received a letter from Paul Robinson's lawyers warning me not to
take the piss as he is feeling fragile, and, if provoked, will come round and
kick my head into next year. TotT says PAH! Bring it on spud-head, you'd
probably miss my head and concede a goal. Skippy for England I say.
Skippy 7pts v Robinson 7pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Ledley King
Woody should also play for England, with the drinking particularly he would be a natural. Send SMc a Xmas card now Woody, with a crisp fiver inside. Ledley King sent me one with a tenner in it so I won't be saying anything rude about him.
Woody 7pts v King 7pts
Robert Huth v Calum Davenport
TotT wonders if Huth is that positionally aware because he always seems to be
in the right place at the wrong time. On the other hand he might be so slow
that he hadn't bothered to move since last week. Still, Davenport has the
positional sense of a man who walks under ladders and is partial to a
custard pie in the face. Huth for England!
Huth 7pts - Davenport 6pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Chimbonda
Poga visited Santa's Grotto this week. When the fat red one said he'd have
to wait and see what came down the chimney, Poga laid the head on him.
Sadly, Poga came off worse. Chimbonda isn't expecting a Christmas card off Paul
Jewell this year.
Poga 7pts - Chimichanga 6pts
Abel Xavier v Michael Dawson
Abel is the centre of much discussion on message boards across the country,
mainly focusing on whether he has matching collar and cuffs. The ladies of
Teesside need to know Abel. Michael Dawson is the son of the legend that is
Les Dawson. Probably.
Abel 6pts - Dawson 6pts
Stewart Downing v Edgar Davids
Stewart Downing will score a double hat trick tonight, then win the
X-Factor, the Lottery and receive the Nobel Peace Prize. Martin Jol will
remain unimpressed, and continues with Davids on the left for Spurs as Jol
is the only man still impressed with those stupid glasses. You do not look
like the Predator, you look like an idiot.
Downing 8pts - Davids 6pts
George Boateng v Didier Zokora
Boateng's return to form (well, sort of) has led to a new wave of optimism
around Teesside, with many people predicting George to lift the FA Cup. TotT
says to these people that you are fools of the highest order and deserve to be
shot at dawn with your entrails strung from lampposts as Christmas decorations. If
Boro win the FA Cup, then not only will Slaven show his arse in Debenhams
window again, he'll be joined by the whole Boro squad (Matthew Bates is
quite looking forward to it).
George 6pts - Zokora 6pts
James Morrison v Steed Malbranque
Morrison is playing out of his skin at the moment which, if it continues,
will see him completely flayed of his skin and sold to a team of Haitian
zombies. Steed wouldn't have got into our team if he came here, not when we
have Jason Euell...oh, hang on.
Morrison 7pts - Steed 5pts
Julio Arca v Jermaine Jenas
OI! Southgate! Get Arca back in the team sharpish! Especially to take on
lanky foetus lookalike Jenas, a man who has a shrunken head. TotT would play
Arca every week, mainly because I really don't like Rocky and Euell. Sorry
lads.
Arca 6pts - Jenas 6pts
Massimo Maccarone v Robbie Keane
Yes, I've put Massimo in a 4-4-2. I may be mad but it's Christmas - let's party like we just don't care. Robbie Keane, hmmm, how much would he cost in January? If we all chip in a few quid I'm sure we can get him at La Riv.
Massimo 6pts - Keane 9pts
Yakubu v Jermaine Defoe
TotT went out and bought Yakubu a Christmas present this week. The things you do
to support your team. It took me ages to find a rocket to stick up his arse.
Unfortunately I couldn't afford two single tickets to the middle of frigging
nowhere for Mendieta and Ray Parlour.
Yak 6pts - Defoe 9pts
Summary
Boro 73pts - Spurs 73pts
The guilt of forgetting Boro are playing today isn't as bad as you might
think. Most Boro fans would like to forget the whole season, past, present
and future. Still, we are probably expected to lose so maybe we could get a
result here.
There are a lots of Ifs and Buts with the Boro but...I am going out on a limb and going for a Boro victory, with Stewart Downing inevitably scoring the winner.
Spurs 0 - Boro 1
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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