|
|
MIDDLESBROUGH v WIGAN ATHLETIC TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Wigan is the home of some of the finest pies in the country. Boro is home to some of the finest pie eaters in the country. It seems a match made in heaven but unfortunately there is the small matter of ninety minutes of football before the munch-up begins. I say football, but it seems only half the Boro team are on speaking terms with what some gullible idiots call the "beautiful game". TotT says beautiful game my pock marked hairy arse. As Matthew Bates might say, let's get ugly, let's get dirty.
DING DING!! ROUND ONE!!
Mark Schwarzer v Chris Kirkland
First up in our new dirty tactics is getting Arsene Wenger to cook Wigan's Christmas dinner, but in the meantime let's put marbles just outside the Wigan team bus as it pulls up. Kirkland will get injured just thinking about it. Skippy meanwhile is having kangaroo for his Christmas lunch, if he can tie the bastard down.
Skippy 8pts - Kirkland 6pts
Woody v Paul Scharner
Mr Gareth has promised to get tough at Christmas. So far he has cancelled the Club's fancy dress party, which upset Woody as he had already hired his novelty Woodpecker outfit. I say novelty because it made him look more pecker than woody.
Woody 8pts - Scharner 7pts
Robert Huth v Fitz Hall
Now, I know TotT tells a few porkies, but Fitz Hall's nickname is One Size, as in One Size Fitz Hall. That dear readers, is some kind of genius and much more inventive than Hoooof. Maybe we could call our Germanic monster The Huth, the whole Huth and nothing but the Huth. But then that wouldn't be as good.
Huth 8pts - Hall 7pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Leighton Baines
TotT would like to point out that Wigan's website seemed allergic to my prying eyes. As I'd rather spend my time fermenting my own piss than looking up player's positions, I can rather unconfidently tell you that Leighton Baines is pretty good at making macramé owls out of his pubes. Boro fave Poga has taken to finding pussy at Christmas.. There are lots of unwanted kittens as presents at this time of year you dirty, dirty reader.
Pogatetz 8pts - Baines 7pts
Abel Xavier v Emmerson Boyce
Abel is really happy that he is getting a chance again at Boro. The same can't be said for Andrew Davies who has bought a bloody massive pea shooter and camped outside old wool head's house. He'll still probably miss the target though.
Xavier 7pts - Boyce 7pts
Stewart Downing v Kevin Kilbane
These two have a bit of history from being at the Mackems together (he says without checking the dates). They used to go and feed the ducks together and could often be seen watching obscure Polish art-house movies.
Downing 8pts - Kilbane 8pts
George Boateng v Josip Skopo
TotT thought Boateng was harder than a pre-crash John Bobbit until I saw him getting pushed over by pipe cleaner Aaron Lennon at Spurs. Early reports that the God-fearing George fainted because he saw Lennon's pentagram and upside down cross necklace were thrown in the bin. George, you got done by an eighteen year old, stand up you big gangly lightweight. This wouldn't happen to Josip Skoko, a man who looks like someone has nicked a few letters from his name.
Boateng 6pts - Skopo 7pts
Julio Arca v Lee McCulloch
Arca was allegedly seen in Boro dressed up as a Christmas Fairy, resplendent in flashing lights and tinsel and wearing a novelty Santa G-string. Andrew Davies looked on with jealous approval until he realised it was his arch enemy Abel Xavier, and that that was his usual attire. McCullock has a Christmas tree growing out of his arse. At least all the needles go in his undies instead of onto the carpet. Bugger to get out you know.
Arca 7pts - McCullock 8pts
James Morrison v David Cotterrill
"A bad start, a few goals, a January transfer to anyone.and a partridge in a pear tree" sang Morrison at a recent Carol service. Luckily, he has no friends and no one heard him. Except me, as I've turned into a James Morrison stalker, lurking in his hedgerows and looking through his bins. James..woo-hoooo - it's me, Tale of the Tape!!!!
Morrison 7pts -- Cotterrill 7pts
Jason Euell v Henri Camara
Now you may be asking yourself what should I get TotT for Christmas - what shall I get the man who has everything (except a social life and a sense of humour). But I am a man of little needs. So, all I want for Christmas is a large bottle of Scotch, and for Jason Euell to get the fuck out of dodge. Go! You are banished to a Siberian mine (in Sunderland) to look for the rare delicacy of bum truffles. Henri Camara always looks like a good player. Or better than Euell at any rate.
Euell 6pts - Camara 8pts
Yakuba v Emile Heskey
If you take a little bit of Yakuba, a dash of Jason Euell, copious amounts of Michael Ricketts and a sprinkle of Hamilton Ricard you end up with the perfect Emile Heskey Christmas Pudding. It is only a matter of time before Heskey signs for Boro.
Yakubu 7pts - Heskey 7pts
Summary
Boro 80pts - Wigan 79pts
TV pundits are fond of saying that they don't know which Boro will turn up. Well, I do. It's the same usual bunch of unwanted misfits, lard-arses, shirkers and money grabbing twats that we see every week. That's unfair. There are some good players but I'd be tempted to send out the five-a-side squad of Skippy, Woody, Poga, Huth and Downing. They are our only assets at the moment.
I will cheer up soon once the medication kicks in.
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
|
|
|
|
