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FULHAM v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
"It's Teesside at Christmas time
there's no need to be afraid
at Christmas time
we let in goals and we still get paid"
Yes, the season of goodwill is almost upon us. That most charitable time of the year, goodwill to all, fifteen pints down the local, loads of artery busting food and something about a virgin birth and a lad called Jesus. I wonder if he is available on a free transfer in January...
DING! DONG (Merrily on high)! Round one!
Mark Schwarzer v Jan Lastuvka
Skippy watches on with jealous green eyes today at his showbiz opposite number. Jan Lastuvka was the inspiration for the award winning Daniel Day Lewis film, Lastuvka Mohicans. As a side note, he used to play for Ukranian side Shakira Donetsk. As many Boro fans know, the hips don't lie, especially after Christmas.
Skippy 8pts - Lastuvka 7pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Zat Knight
Woody mused hopefully this week about his chances of heading back to Real Madrid. Zat 'Zilent' Knight had a few words of encouragement for his hirstute opponent saying "Well daddio, herez the newz, hepcat. Zat zez yo skinny white azz is ztuck on Teezzide mo'fo. Got dat. On da QT and on da hush-hush. Itz like diz and itz like zat, just like dat, not like daz". Or something.
Woody 8pts - Zilent Knight 7pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Ian Pearce
When shephards watched there flocks at night, an angel did appear. But Pogatetz slid in and broke his ankle before laying the head on Gabriel. Speaking of Gabriel, I was out window shopping this week when the eyepatched pop chanteuse Gabrielle asked me which jumper she should buy. I had a good look before responding "That's the one I'd get" to which she replied "You cheeky insensitive bastard!"
Poga 8pts - Pearce 7pts
Abel Xavier v Moritz Volz
Massive scores to be had playing Scrabble at Christmas if you can manage to get these two on a triple word square. Both are as unpredictable as the pronounceation and spelling of their names, and the Premiership is all the better for it. We need characters like these two, rather than the identikit Premiership footballers playing today. Now I will type in Knickers Knockers Knackers as TotT started to get quite close to a serious point about the blandness of modern football. Voltz may make Boro Ohm and ahh with his electric pace.
Abel 7pts - Volz 7pts
Andrew Taylor v Frank Queudrue
Little French Frankie will be running his legs off trying to prove himself against his old team in front of the Boro faithful who loved him like one of their own. What this means in reality is that he will run around in circles for ninety minutes before scoring two own goals and nicking back his rightful most unpredictable haircut in football award (currently being looked after by Abel and Andrew Davies).
Taylor 7pts - FrankQ 8pts (for old times sake)
Stewart Downing v Tomasz Radzinski
TotT has just noticed that there are a lot of 'z's in the Fulham team. However, a warning - or perhaps a New Year predicion for you. Radzinski used to be a free scoring forward who lost an eye for goal and now mulls around in midfield looking all of his 32 years. Will no doubt sign for Boro then. Downing eyes a cash/player exchange as he likes shopping at Harrods.
Downing 8pts - Radzinski 6pts
George Boateng v Papa Boube Diop
Hopefully Mr Gareth will have written the name Papa Boube Diop on his letter to Santa this year as a replacement for Old George. However, 'naïve Southgate' (copyright Sir Alex) will have probably written down childrens favourite Baba Papa and we will have a 3ft blue elephant in midfield next year. Still, that would be an improvement.
Boat 6pts - Diop 8pts
Julio Arca v Claus Jensen
Arca spent the week in tears after Mr Gareth told him that Father Christmas didn't exist. "But Mr Gareth, I have been a good boy so who is putting extortionate amounts of money into my account for doing next to nothing for most of the season" whinged the Argie. All was revealed as Steve Gibson walked into the room in a red outfit and a fake white beard.
Arca 6pts -Jensen 6pts
James Morrison v Michael Brown
TotT is now a fully badged up, card carrying member of the James Morrison fanclub and won't write a bad word about him. Michael Brown is the long lost son of James Brown and Faith Brown, who have just released a Christmas charity single together, Get Up (Get on up? I would if my hooters weren't so massive).
Morrison - ahem, 9pts - Brown 7pts
Mark Viduka v Luis Boa Morte
The Duke's foot has just healed in time so he can hobble over to nab some mince pies from the Boro canteen. Rumours that he will swap places with Boa Morte have been dismissed as why would we want to swap one inconsistent, grumpy goal shy frontman for another?
Vids 7pts - Boa Morte 6pts
Yakuba v Brian McBride
I was surprised to see the Yak on the score sheet last week, but not half as surprised as the Yak himself, who let out a little dribble of wee with all the excitement. Nappies at the ready, hoping it is the start of a goal scoring run that takes us through Christmas. It could happen dear readers. Alternatively, lock yourself in the attic with industrial amounts of Advocaat (the drink, not Dick) and let yourself out at the end of January.
Yak 7pts - McBride 7pts
Summary
Boro 83pts - Fulham 76pts
TotT will be getting hopped up on Domestos and aspirin to dull the pain of what could be a very painful Boro Christmas. On paper we should get eight points from twelve over Christmas, but we are not playing on paper, we are playing on grass. February, March and April brings up some very difficult fixtures so if we don't pick up significant points before the end of January no amount of transfer activty will save us, and like Heather Mills, we wont have a leg to stand on.
So, let's all get behind the Boro at this important time of year and sing yer bastard hearts out for the lads. A one, a two, a one, two, three, four
Oh, jingle bells, Fabio smells
Parlour wont go away
Oh, what fun it is to laugh (at Euell)
When Boro play away...
Fulham 2- Boro 2
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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