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MIDDLESBROUGH v CHARLTON TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
"Woe to you, Oh Earth and Sea, for the Devil sends the beast with wrath, because he knows the time is short... Let him who hath understanding reckon the number of the beast for it is a human number, its number is Six hundred and sixty six pointer"
Yes, It's Xmas time and Satan's warm hand is clutching the balls of Boro FC with the threat of relegation whilst Teesside freezes off it's brass monkeys. In a vain attempt to ward of the red horned one and get some points, the lads have been practicing their annual nativity scene.
TotT was granted exclusive access to their final dress rehearsal before the Charlton game.
DING DONG!! Hark the Holgate angels sing!
Schwarzer vs Myhre
Our Antipodean hero is more used to chucking another prawn on the Barbie (mate) at Xmas time and fell for his teammates wind up that, yes, there was a kangaroo in the stable in Bethlehem. It was a bugger getting a costume mind, but it was that or a sheep.
Skippy 8pts - Myhre 6pts
Woodgate vs Hreidarsson
Woody has grown a beard and will be playing a grown up Jesus. Usually this would be an opportunity to crack the gag about not being very good at crosses, but he is. Speaking of which...
Woody 9pts - Hriedarsson 7pts
Riggot vs El Karkouri
Chris Riggot is rubbish at crosses and gets a severe case of stigmata at the very thought of them. With this in mind Riggot will be playing the part of a barn door, although judging by some of his shots on goal he may struggle with that as well.
Riggot 6pts - El Kark 6pts
Pogatetz vs Diawara
Boro's most improved player (not saying much really) is Mad Dog. However, the last time I flicked through the Bible, which was admittedly many moons ago, there were no mad dogs hanging around looking for titbits. So Poga gets the role of Gabriel the angel because Emanuele, unlike the man himself, sounds kind of angelic, or pornographic depending on your point of view. So, Poga the Porno Angel it is.
Poga 9pts - Diawara 7pts
Xavier vs Traore
Although the role of sheep was still up for grabs, Xavier nabbed a plumb role as all three of the Three Wise Men. Mainly because he has the threads and a funny beard, but also because he was willing to dye his hair red, thus saving the cost of buying a fez.
Xav 7pts - Traore 5pts
Morrison vs Rommendhal
Little Jimmy wanted to play the part of baby Jesus, but gets the rather strange accolade of having a virgin birth and plays Mary. Its an auspicious role, because he gets to ride along on the donkey that is.....
Morrison 9 - Rommendhal 6pts
Boateng vs Faye
Sorry George, it's you. Whilst none of the Boro team have excelled this season, your drop in form warrants you the donkey role. When TotT asked him what he thought of this, he did his best Fonxie impression and just said 'Haaaaaayyyyyyyyyy'.
Boat 6 - Faye 7pts
Cattermole vs Holland
Little Lee bags the part of baby Jesus because of his tender years and his ability to bail his eyes out. Is not known if he can turn water into wine although given his inability to pass to a team mate its unlikely.
Clatters 7 - Holland 7pts
Downing vs Reid
The part of Joseph goes to Downing. He constantly bangs the ball into the box without much reward which is a bit like Joseph banging it into Mary's... oh you get the idea.
Downing 8pts - Reid 7pts
Yakuba vs Bent
TotT was tempted to give the part of the manger to Yakuba due to his resemblance to two short planks of wood, but since he will be wrapped up like a girl on a very cold Saturday, he can be a shepherd. Or a crook.
Yak 8pts (it is Xmas) - Bent 8pts
Viduka vs Hasselbaink
With no parts left for Viduka, he was sent down the shops to get some mince pies and tinsel. He was last seen heading into Newcastle with a massive sign saying For Sale on it, apparently having eaten all the mince pies. Come back Mark, all is forgiven!
Vids 8pts - The Hass 8pts
Summary
Boro 85pts - Charlton 75pts
The whole nativity dress rehearsal then collapsed into farce as Mr Gareth came dressed as an easter Bunny and couldn't work out where everyone had to stand. Joseph crossed the ball to Riggot who started bleeding from his hands; Woody attempted to turn all the wine into wee and Xavier was arrested for possession of Myrrh. Everyone shouted Jesus Christ and Lee Cattermole started crying again.
Some seasonal cheer (brandy) has given extra points this week but despite losing at Fulham there was a bit more attacking and flair (I'm sure I saw a back heel).
Charlton will be up for this one though and need to win. There is a fair chance that one of Andy Reid, Matt Holland or Faye could end up at the Riverside next year. Even JFH may come back.
As this is the last TotT before Xmas, I would like to take the opportunity to wish all my dear readers a very Merry Xmas. I'm sure the two of you will have a lovely time.
Have a good one... love, TotT.
Boro 3 - Charlton 1
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