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EVERTON v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Merry (hic) fekkin (parp) Chrishhhhtmaaaaaaaashhhh readershhh (barf). I hope you all emptied the fat fella's sack and got what you wanted - and managed to clean up the mess on the carpet afterwards.
We are all led to believe that Xmas, like oral sex, is all about the giving and not the receiving. Frankly, that is bollocks (and if it is girls you're doing it wrong). It's all about the receiving, and with that in mind let's take an exclusive look at our Boro heroes Xmas presents.
Ding (pfffffft) Dong (hic)! And a partridge in a pear tree!
Skippy v Tim Howard
Skippy didn't give too many presents away, well, not as many as last season. This year he treated himself to 600 bricks and some cement. Well, if the FA can ignore the cretinous behaviour of Ronaldo's diving then what's a bricked up goal amongst friends?
Skippy 8pts -Howard 7pts
Woody v Yobo
Having ripped up his return ticket to Madrid, Woody received a one-way ticket to Anfield courtesy of Rafa Benitez. Spain is a lot like Liverpool. The foreign language, everyone has an orange tan and there are Sevillians there who broke Boro's heart just like Woody will if he acts like a money grabbing Judas after no one was stupid enough but us to give him a chance. Don't leave us Woody you are our only hope.
Woody 9pts - Yobo 8pts
Poga v Stubbs
Poga is TotT's player of the season so far by a country mile. What can you buy the man who has everything? Well, a contract extension please Mr Gareth as Mad Dog is slowly turning into a Gianluca Festa type cult hero. Other than that, he got a box of plasters to stop him bleeding. And a restraining leash.
Poga 9pts - Stubbs 7pts
Xavier v Lescott
Our very own Dame Barbara Cartland received a year's worth of grooming products but he put them in the bin saying he uses his own techniques involving two litres of Domestos and being dragged through a hedge backwards. If it works for Andrew Davies it can work for Abel.
Xavier 7pts - Lescott 8pts
Taylor v Neville
Probably our most consistent young player faces up to Phil Neville, a man who looks like he has lived underground for twenty years. Taylor may be lacking in personality, but when the alternative is a num-chuck wielding Julio Arca, Taylor is the man for me at left back.
Taylor 7pts - Neville 8pts
Arca v Davies
Arca is better in midfield. He got his Ninja outfit as requested, and immediately customised it with go faster stripes. May be slowed down today after a Xmas dinner of finest Argentinean beef. Two whole cows worth.
Arca 6pts - Davies 5pts
Downing v Osman
There is a half a chance that this may be one of Downing's last games for the Boro, so send him on his way with a gift of love and the spirit of peace. Or flick V's at him shouting 'Thanks for the £9m you were never that good anyway'. Just for the record, TotT wants Downing to stay.
Downing 8pts - Osman 8pts
Boateng v Carsley
This one is a no-brainer. George gets a new pair of legs and a hip replacement but struggles to get the wrapping off as he is still recovering from being pushed over by an eighteen year old Aaron Lennon. Luckily, Carsley also plays with a Zimmer frame. Get well soon George, we need you.
Boateng 6pts - Carsley 6pts
Morrison v Arteta
At the start of the season, TotT heavily criticised little Jimmy, but I have changed my opinion as he now looks like the only player in the team capable of attacking anyone. Just last week he tried to attack Santa's Grotto, but he didn't quite get there as he was tackled by an over zealous elf who didn't even get booked.
Morrison 8pts - Arteta 8pts
Yakuba v Johnson
The Yak attack, or what's left of it will once again struggle as he will be wrapped up in his new portable electric blanket, snugly tucked up in a sleeping bag. This makes it quite hard to run, not that we'll notice any difference. Come on Yak, wake up man. He is the player who could potentially save our season if he actually opened his eyes.
Yakuba 7pts - Johnson 8pts
Viduka v Anichebe
The Duke is due a couple of spectacular goals and will be hoping that the Everton defence is feeling the after-effects of loads of scouse at Xmas. Big Mark will be wearing a very big Xmas jumper knitted by his dyslexic Gran. Everyone laughs as she has knitted in the words 'THE DUCK' on the back.
Viduka 7pts - Anichebe 6pts
Summary
Boro 82 - Everton 79
Spare a thought for our players at Xmas. All that cash and so little time to spend it, despite driving fast cars and having girlfriends who do diddley squat all day.
Despite being sponsored by Chang Beer, Goodison Park is alcohol free, which makes this game a bleak prospect for the travelling fans.
Also, it's Boxing Day, so expect Poga to take it literally and clobber someone. The most fun of the day will be had seeing what Mr Gareth is wearing. Novelty socks, novelty jumper and a novelty tie from Steve Gibson with a picture of his P45 on it.
Right, back to that Turkey and bottle of Crème de Menthe.
Everton 1 - Boro 0
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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