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BLACKBURN v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Urghhhhhhhh, what day is it? Has Xmas happened, was it all a dream? TotT woke up this morning wearing nothing but a novelty sock and a Santa hat and peculiar stains on the pillow. Strangely, Boro seem to have picked up four points from somewhere so I can only deduce that I am still asleep.
Stuck somewhere between dreamland and the last few pages of the Radio Times, TotT sticks on the TV and dozes off.
Ding Ding!! Round One!
Skippy v Brad Friedel
Now Boro are now playing the same teams again in the return fixtures, TotT is in danger of repeating the few jokes I have. However, TotT scoffs in the face of danger and farts in the face of originality. So, Nick Nolte is still in goal for Blackburn and in my dream like state Skippy scores a pearler from 100 yards.
Skippy 8pts - Nolte 8pts
Woody v Andre Ooijer
Woody is out to prove he is an bona fide Boro legend. This normally means drinking loads, having a crap haircut and moving to a bigger club so he's on the way. But give the lad a chance and he may make Dave Doriva cult status. Ooijer still hasn't been invited onto Countdown. Vowel please, Carol. And another. And another. And another.
Woody 9pts - Ooijer 7pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Andy Todd
Today's film is a war epic directed by Clint Eastwood. Our hero Pogatetz (Rutgeur Hauer) is trapped in the trenches by the Lancashire hordes. Poga comes face to face with his nemesis Andy Todd (Jeff Bridges) and battles to the death. Nominated for seven Baftas (Big Angry Fart Trips Arsehole Stupid).
Poga 8pts - Todd 6pts
Abel Xavier v Brett Emerton
Trinny and Susannah attempt to give Abel a makeover in this Christmas special of What Not To Wear. Unfortunately, the programme was only one hour long and they only got halfway through his sock draw. Finishes with Abel in a bin bag, with Andrew Davies looking on enviously.
Abel 7pts - Emerton 7pts
Andrew Taylor v Lucas Neil
Young Taylor got lots of DVD's for Christmas. Teletubbies, Tweenies, Fimbles, and the box set of Rhubarb & Custard. Lucas Neill got How To Speak Scouse Fluently In 7 Days, which seemed to have a lock of Jonathan Woodgate's hair inside as a bookmark.
Taylor 7pts - Neill 7pts
Stewart Downing v Pederson
In this remake of The Graduate, Martin Jol tries to woo a young impressionable Stewart Downing. Flunked at the Box Office but may make a comeback on DVD in the January sales.
Downing 8pts - Pederson 7pts
George Boateng v Robbie Savage
In yet another instalment of the Rocky franchise, you would expect TotT to crack a gag at the expense of Fabio Ro******ck. But I don't even say his name out loud now unless he appears, Candyman style in my bathroom mirror. Anyway, at 122, George Boateng is more than fully equipped to take on Savage (Dolph Lungren) in Rocky MCVXIIIV.
Boat 6pts - Savage 8pts
Julio Arca v Tugay
There is always some foreign stuff on over on Channel 4 and here we find some battling it out in midfield. Arca played the controversial role of an aquatic species in the film Arca - The Killer Whale while Tugay is the story of two young homosexual men.
Arca 7pts - Tugay 6pts
James Morrison v David Bentley
Over on ITV2 is the tragic yet heroic story of The Door's Jim Morrison. Ignored by the Boro faithful, he goes on to be the lead singer of the most overrated band in the world ever, before becoming fat and bloated and returning to Boro in the form of Dave Doriva.
Morrison 8pts - Bentley 7pts
Yakuba v Nonda
These two sound like names of identikit restaurants on a retail park. 'I'm just off to Nonda's for some chicken, although I may go to Yakubas for some overpriced, lardy food that won't run away'.
Yak 7pts - Nando's 6pts
Viduka v McCarthy
Mark Viduka (Harrison Ford) is on a mission to get a new contract. Yes, it's Mission Impossible. TotT would like the Duke to stay but the evil Dr Southgate has other plans, none of them involving staying up.
Duke 7pts - McCarthy 7pts
Summary
Boro 82 - Blackburn 76
An away point here and we will be on course for one of our best Christmas returns since Jamie Pollock got a Sega Nintendo 64. However, The good ship Boro does not have a good compass and we could even manage a win if we can get Viduka on the team bus.
With Sheffield United and Charlton to play next, we have three winnable fixtures. I am going for the full nine point return, with Mendieta being sold to Leeds and Parlour stacking shelves at Tesco in January.
COME ON BORO!!
Blackburn 2 Boro 3.
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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