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MIDDLESBROUGH v SHEFFIELD UNITED TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
Like most of you dear readers, I am suffering from too much cheap booze, and a severe bout of Man Flu.
Thanks to more cheap booze and industrial amounts of Night Nurse (not unfortunatley a real night nurse), TotT wishes you a very happy New Year, and looks at a few players New Year Resolutions.
DING DING! ROUND ONE!
Mark Schwarzer v Paddy Kenny
Skippy's resolution is to avoid Dean Ashton when he returns from injury, unless the Skipster is carrying a cricket pad.
Skippy 8 - Potatoe Head Kenny 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Phil Jagielka
Woody's resolution is to avoid injury like the plague, although he'll probably get the plague and get covered in red rashes and spots. Like Lee Clattermole. Not a good look, especially in Spain.
Woody 9 - Jag 8
Emanuel Pogatetz v Chris Morgan
Poga hopes to secure a longer contract and will do so by ordering a number of gangland contract hits on anyone who even pretends to be a defender. Like Chris Riggot.
Poga 8 - Morgan 6
Abel Xavier vs Robert Kozluk
Xavier hopes to create a haircut of many colours and at least seven feet tall. Probably the one resolution that will happen.
Abel 7- Kozluk 6
Andy Taylor v Chris Armstrong
Taylor will be improving his low public image by getting an ASBO, shagging a model (Airfix model) and drinking alcopops and being sick in Mr Gareth's sock draw.
Taylor 6 - Armstrong 6
Stewart Downing v Stephen Quinn
It's January 1st and still Downing hasn't moved to Spurs. You need to have a word with your agent son.
Downing 8 - Quinn 7
George Boateng v Nick Montgomery
Boateng hopes that the FA will introduce a new rule where all players must only walk during matches. Despite this, he still looks slow.
Boat 6 - Montgomery 6
Julio Arca v Mikele Leighterwood
Last seen on top of the Transporter Bridge in a Batman outfit, Arca is missing in action. Like always.
Arca 7 - Leighterwood 7
James Morrison v Christian Nade
Little Jimmy will be hoping that a big club come in for him during the transfer window. What's more likely is that a big seagull will be come in for him through his kitchen window and carry his skiiny arse off out to sea.
Morrison 8 - Nade 7
Yakuba v Kazim Richards
Yakuba's only resolution is that Mr Gareth buys someone who can pass him the ball and that everyone gets off his back. He can only dream.
Yak 7 - Richards 7
Mark Viduka v Robert Hulse
Viduka wishes it was warm, with a continual supply of pies on a drip with 365 days holiday. Don't we all son, don't we all.
Summary
Well, this really is crunch time. Two games. Six points with the Hull game to pick up some injuries. My only resolution is that we won't be as bad as the first half of the season. Mr Gareth wishes it was 1978 and he was at home playing with his Evel Knieval stunt bike and wearing a badly fitting tank top.
At least he'll have the tank top today.
Happy New Year from TotT. ERIMUS!!!!!!
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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