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HULL CITY v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE
Gordon Dalton
'I am the god of hell fire, and I bring you.. Fire!!'
So sang the Crazy World of Arthur Brown in the days when wearing a flaming hat was perfectly acceptable. I only mention it as a tenuous link to a number of Humberside puns. I feel it is better to get these out of the way in case it spoils the Pulitzer heights of your weekly TotT. So here goes.
To Hull and Back.. the Road to Hull. Highway to Hull.. and, er, that's it actually. I should have listened more carefully to those dodgy looking blokes in the pub before Boro's vital win over Sheffield United.
Anyway, it's the FA Cup, and I can feel your excitement rising, or are you just pleased to see me? This week, TotT gambles on team selection and staves off cup fever by looking at possible signings to replace our struggling 'stars'.
DING DING!! Round One.
Ross Turnbull v Boaz Myhill
Local gossip that Keith Lamb was seen chatting to a barmaid in the Ironopolis club set tongues wagging that Boro may have a new keeper with 40DD breasts and the ability to pull a nice pint of Tetley's Imperial. Good head apparently.
Turnbull 7 - Myhill 8
Andrew Davies v Ryan France
It is unclear whether Davies will play today, as it seems he has entered the Big Brother house and started calling himself Donny Tourette. Ryan 'Air' France allegedly is an Irish/French airline and doesn't know if he is coming or going. Like Davies.
Davies 8 - France 6
Chris Riggot v Damien Delaney
Riggot will struggle today mainly due to a big sign around his neck saying £2m o.n.o. Mr Gareth will be looking to replace him with one of those snakes your granny makes to keep the draught out. What do you call them by the way? You don't see many these days? Anyway, I digress. Goodbye Riggot.
Riggot 7 - Delaney 6
Andrew Taylor v Andy Dawson
TotT can reveal that Steve Gibson and Keith Lamb were close to signing Ashley Cole last summer before he buggered off to Chelsea. Well, they were sat in the same hotel lobby - does that count? Boro could only offer three parmos a week and a ride in Gibbo's Bentley, which would be enough for TotT, but I'm not picky. Andy Dawson is Spurs' Michael Dawson's elder brother, which is the only fact in this week's column.
Taylor 8 - Dawson 7
Stuart Parnaby v Michael Turner
Young fuzz face gets a run out this week after suddenly remembering how to play football. Possibly on his way to a Mongolian sheep farm where his bum fluff will be knitted into luxury cashmere knickers for Russian Princesses.
Fuzz face 6 - Turner 7
Lee Cattermole v Dean Marney
Taking up the captain's armband today will be our very own headless chicken Lee Cattermole. He will be up against Spurs reject Dean Marney, who Clatters will know from England U-21s. They also appeared together as the Ugly Sisters in Billingham Forum's Production of Cinderella. Maybe.
Clatters 8 - Marney 7
Adam Johnson v David Livermore
TotT likes David Livermore. Just two weeks after joining the Leeds Dirties, he realised how shite they were and jumped ship to Hull. That makes Cloughie's time at Leeds seem like a spell in a Siberian salt mine. Oh, and just because Downing isn't playing today doesn't mean I wont mention Martin Jol, illicit phone calls and £9m pounds.
Johnson 7 - Livermore 6
Gaizka Mendieta v Ian Ashbee
It is sad that Mendi's last final wheeze for Boro will be at Hull. Previously one of the world's finest midfielders for a couple of games for Valencia, he now will be run ragged by the Tigers. TotT would shed a tear if I weren't pissing myself laughing at his hair. Ian Ashbee was once singer of The Cult. Nearly.
Mendi 7 - Ashbee 5
Fabio Rochemback v Nick Barmby
Any news that Fabio is leaving is good news and TotT would love to see Nick Barmby return. Bryan Robson loved his jinking runs, his astute passing and he also took quite a shine to Barmby's.. what's that? Lawyers4U. ok, I wont print that bit.
Fabio 5 - Barmby 7
Malcolm Christie v Jon Parkin
Even though I have no idea who Giles Barnes is, I say send Christie back to Derby in a swap deal. Barnes plays in midfield but Christie has been playing in the kids room at Middlesbrough General' Outpatients, so I think it's a good deal.
Christie 6 - Parkin 5
Massimo Maccarone v Craig Fagan
Massimo has a price on his head. Literally. Gareth will felt tip '£4m' onto his shiny palette only for the rain to smudge it to look like '2 pints of lager and a packet of crisps please'. And still no one will buy him. Fagan wont even pick his pocket.
Missimo 6 - Fagan 6
Summary
Boro 75pts - Hull 70pts
TotT has just glimpsed at the official Boro website where it says Gareth will pick a full strength side. Since he hasn't managed it all season TotT is gambling on team selection (i.e. I cant be arsed to rewrite the piece).
TotT worries that the pressure is getting to Mr Gareth. That tank top looks too tight under a woollen suit and his socks weren't matching last week. I worry that he may be getting style tips from Andrew Davies and Abel Xavier and I worry that his nose is growing from telling porkies such as 'Woody is staying'.
TotT hopes we buy Ted Nugent instead of David Nugent; Marlon Dingle instead of Marlon Harewood (same thing really); Wesley Snipes instead of Wes Brown and Gyles Brandreth instead of Giles Barnes (imagine the jumpers in the club shop).
Steve Gibson will don a flaming headdress and do his best Arthur Brown impression if we lose this one.. 'I am the god of hell fire, and you are FIRED!!'
Boro 3 - Hull City 1
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