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CHARLTON v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 12-1-07
Gordon Dalton
Tale of the Tape has come all over children's TV presenter this week (steady now). The idea of Play(ing) Away at Chorlton and the Wheelies has made me dress up as a (ahem) better looking version of Brian Cant, in a stripey tank top and multicoloured scarf.
Whilst this may appeal to certain 1970s nostalgia freaks, looking like a children's TV presenter these days puts me in grave danger of looking like a coke-addled paedophile, which is not a good look to sport on the school run.
So, like a bus full of Tourette kids. it's off to Charlton. FUCK PISS PARDEW BOATENG!
DING FUCKIN DONG! Round one!
Mark Schwarzer v Scott Carson
The strongest swear word in Skippy's vocabulary is Fair Dinkum. As witnessed in the following quote dragged from the far reaches of my booze addled imagination: "Fair Dinkum mate, I'm losing my hair" or "Struth blue, I'm stuck here for life, but fair dinkum mate, the money's good".
Skippy 8pts - Carson 7pts
Jonathan Woodgate v Osei Sankofa
Woody is a big fan of Dr Who, especially the Tom Baker era, which he watches on DVD for hairstyling tips. Also, he is trying to make a Tardis at home in a vain attempt to transport himself back to Real Madrid.
Woody 9pts - Sankofabitch 6pts
Emanuel Pogatetz v Souleymane Diawara
Poga on the other hand prefers the Daleks, and can often be found randomly shouting, "EXTERMINATE! EXTERMINATE!" Not wise whilst going through airport customs on the way to an away UEFA cup match, although he doesn't have to worry about that anymore. Diawara sounds like he has bowel trouble.
Pog 8pts - Diawara 7pts
Andrew Taylor v Talal El Karourki
Taylor's PR company have urged him to 'catch Tourettes' to bolster his public image. So far he has managed 'Fucking hell George that was shit', and the rather more poetic 'Oi twat head, pass to your team mates motherfucker'.
Taylor 7pts - El Karkouri 7pts
Abel Xavier v Hermann Hriedersson
A man who has taken extreme makeover to the, er, extreme, Abel is a big fan of makeover shows like Ten Years Younger. Abel had a go and knocked off three years just by scribbling a new date in his passport.
Abel 7pts - Hrierdersson 7pts
George Boateng v Matt Holland
Boro fans have been baiting George all season but it got to extreme levels with the George Boateng Baiting competition last week. Poor George was dragged along a muddy track by his ankles whilst an angry mob smelling blood chased after him. The winner, Bob Lecter from Billingham, said later that George cooked up a treat and tasted great with a nice chianti.
George 6pts - Holland 6pts
Stewart Downing v Dennis Rommendhal
Day 13 in the Big Brother House. Stewart Downing has started talking in a mock Dutch accent to impress fellow housemate Martin Jol. SD: "Hullo Martin, I love da Spursh, pleashe shign me and I will schuck off your schoft cock". Jol: !!!!!!!!
Stu 9pts - Rom 7pts
Julio Arca v Amady Faye
Julio worries at night that Mr Gareth will sign a new midfielder. Worry not Mr Arca, Gareth couldn't sign his name without Keith Lamb holding the pen, and the Lambster is curiously absent at the moment.
Arca 7pts - Faye 7pts
James Morrison v Bryan Hughes
Little Jimmy once auditioned for the role of Tinky Winky in the Teletubbies. He would have got the part as well but he got his own tinky winky out and did a little wee wee. Uh-oh, as the Teletubbies might have said if this actually happened.
Jim Morrison 8pts - Hughes 7pts
Mark Viduka v Darren Ambrose
Viduka is Boro through and through, and proved it this week by having a new tattoo of the ancient Australian spelling of Boro: W-E-S-T-H. oh for fuck's sake do I have to spell it out?
Duke 9.5pts - Ambrose 7pts
Yakuba v Marcus Bent
The much mis-spelt (by me) striker has caused many arguments this week over his goal scoring prowess. He also caused an argument down his local when he showed the landlady his prowess, although he didn't score then either.
Yak 8pts - Bent 7pts
Summary
Mr Gareth has been taking tips on the transfer window by watching Deal or No Deal. Where else would he get those style tips? He will be sporting a weird little beard this week and have strange symbols on his hands (Colin Cooper has been felt tipping speed penises again).
So, Marlon Harewood - NO DEAL!
Geremi, Doula, Zenden, Doula - NO DEAL!
Dodgy Jock midfielders - NO DEAL!
Zoltan Gera - NO DEAL (at the time of writing)
On the other hand...
Parlour - DEAL!
Rocky - DEAL!
Ugo - DEAL!
Mendi - DEAL!
Maccarone - DEAL!
Some people are destined for greatness. Some, like me, just wear tank tops and have a dodgy mullet.
Charlton 1 - Boro 2
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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