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MIDDLESBROUGH v HULL CITY TALE OF THE TAPE 16-1-07
Gordon Dalton
Before the Charlton game, Boro were as nervous and sweaty as a 30-year-old virgin on a promise.
However, Boro broke their virginal away duck with a solid display that saw JFH doing what most people would have liked to do to George Boateng.
With two goals from the midfield and a screamer from the Yak, Boro can now dream about Europe. Yes, they have all been booking their summer holidays.
DING DING!! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Boaz Myhill
The Boro scouting network has been in full effect this week, or they will be having watched Boaz Myhill. When they say they have been to Hull and back looking for a new keeper, they mean it.
Skippy 8 - Myhill 7
Andrew Davies v Ryan France
Davies gets the nod over Woody who is looking at Spanish holiday brochures. Ryan contradicts his surname by not playing like a cheese eating surrender monkey (courtesy of football clichés no.139).
Davies 8 - France 6
Emanuel Pogatetz v Damien Delaney
Poga continues to be the best defender at Boro this year by giving Huth a whack with a big stick and putting Tapas in Woody's bait box every day.
Poga 8 - Delaney 6
Andrew Taylor v Andy Dawson
If you look really closely at Andrew Taylor's eyes, you will get the impression that he is closely related to Radiohead's bog-eyed front man Thom Yorke. TotT can exclusively, and completely fictionally reveal that he is actually the son of jocular snooker player Dennis Taylor, and his made-up lazy eye comes about because he can't find an elastic band big enough to strap on those upside down glasses.
Taylor 8 - Dawson 7
Abel Xavier v Michael Turner
Abel was approached with a big money deal this week to leave Boro. However, in a rare moment of commitment to the badge, he revealed that he turned down a deal to move to Crazy Cosmetics Testing on Dogs FC, as they couldn't offer him anything he hadn't tried before.
Xavier 8 - Turner 7
Lee Cattermole v Dean Marney
Clatters celebrated his goal on Saturday by taking all his mates out to Teesside Park for lemonade, peanut butter sandwiches, cocktail sausages and a game of pass the parcel. Lee left deflated as someone had eaten all the food before they arrived. Police are looking for an Antipodean footballer with a car licence plate of D U K E.
Clatters 8 - Marney 7
Stewart Downing v David Livermore
Newcastle winning at Spurs? Money to burn in Jol's pocket? Whoyagonnacall?! Not Downing by the looks of it.
Downing 7 - Livermore 6
Julio Arca v Ian Ashbee
Julio netted another one at Charlton after much practice shooting fish in a barrel. Even Boateng could have scored that.. well, maybe.
Arca 7 - Ashbee 5
Jim Morrison v Nick Barmby
Jimmy Morrison should start every game in my humble, drunken opinion. He gets a run out today because George's leg his hurting after that nasty man with the big eyes scratched him and pulled his hair.
Jimbo 8 - Barmby 7
Malcolm Christie v Jon Parkin
Mr Gareth asked Christie to put himself in the shop window for this tie. Unfortunately, little Malcolm didn't know which shop window and was seen looking confused wandering Linthorpe Road.
Christie 6 - Parkin 5
Yakuba v Craig Fagan
Terrified at the thought of playing for someone who might actually shout at him, the Yak played a blinder on Saturday and continues here with a hat trick. Honest. He will. I'm not lying. NURSE!!
Yak 9 - Fagan 6
Summary
Boro 85pts - Hull 70pts
Still feeling slightly dizzy after climbing to thirteenth place, Mr Gareth will rest Woody, George and the Duke for the big games ahead (er, Bolton, Portsmouth).
With such giddy heights come giddy ideas such as Mr Gareth's decision to sport an all in one lycra cat suit in the club's colours. Unfortunately, instead of attracting the local uber-tanned ladies to the dressing room, this devilish outfit only succeeds in getting Roary the Lion hornier than hell. Instead of scoring against the Tigers, Mr Gareth scores with the club mascot.
An impressive crowd of just under 10,000 will see the finest display of the season at Boro: by a grown man and someone in a lion outfit.
Boro 4 - Hull 0
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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