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MIDDLESBROUGH v BOLTON TALE OF THE TAPE 16-1-07
Gordon Dalton
Having narrowly avoided being mauled by the Tigers in midweek, Boro can look forward to another epic battle against Bristol City, who go by the rather less ferocious nickname of the Robins. What are they going to do? Peck our eyes out? Poo on our head from a great height? Well, yes quite probably.
First though is a gripping match against our old friends Bolton, which is always one of the most exciting games of the season. We will also sign Ronaldinho and Rooney this week, whilst perfecting our sarcasm skills down the pub.
TotT was at the Reebok Stadium this season for the 0-0 draw. The afternoon's only highlight was falling over three rows of seats before landing in the disabled spectators enclosure.
So, sit back, close your eyes and go to sleep and dream of Lee-Dong-Gook.
Ding DONG!! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Jussi Jaaskelainen
Whilst twiddling their thumbs during this game, these two well-respected keepers could play the popular game of 'Spot the overpaid Boro layabouts'. You get ten points for an Ugo, twenty for a Mendi and a whopping fifty points for a Parlour. Anyone who spots a Rochemback immediately wins as long as they handcuff themselves to him and get themselves on the next flight to Rio.
Skippy 8 - Jussi 8
Jonathan Woodgate v Gardner
TotT doesn't listen to malicious gossip, especially the stuff that gets written on message boards. BUT. if Woody was going out with Stewart Downing's sister, it would explain a lot. Like why Martin Jol is planning to buy the entire Downing family and then put a bid in for Woody.
Woody 9 - Gardner 7
Emanuel Pogatetz v Ben Haim
Poga busied himself this week with his new hobby of trying to work out what the hell Mr Gareth is going to wear. TotT fully expects, nay demands, Mr Gareth to be sporting a handlebar moustache and this season's must have, a Mendieta wig with Rochemback Knacker earrings.
Poga 8 - Haim 7
Abel Xavier v Nicky Hunt
No such fashion faux pas' for our Abel, who this week constructed a new suit from Ray Parlour's ginger pubes. However, Abel struggled to find matching shoes and may have to skin a few Teesside lasses to get just the right shade of orange.
Abel 7 - Hunt 5
Seb Hines v Meite
Young Seb scored against Hull and hopes to keep his place in the side. TotT seconds this, if only because I have loads of gags about 57 varieties and fart jokes.
Hines 6 - Meite 6
Stewart Downing v El Hadji Diouf
These two players seem to be in a continual sulk. Cheer up lads, if the wind changes your face will stay like that. Just accept it Stewey, Mr Jol is not interested.
Downing 8 - Diouf 8
George Boateng v Faye
Boateng returned to his bone crunching best this week as he turned out for Acklam's U-11s. However, he did get booked after retaliating to little Tommy Taylor from Marton FC U-11s after he gave him a tickle.
Boat 6 - Faye 7
Julio Arca v Kevin Nolan
Arca is in such a good mood after scoring last week that he has taken to whistling songs by crap 1970's bands. Arca teases big Kev this week by continuously humming 'I'm in the mood for dancing'.
Arca 7 - Nolan 7
Lee Cattermole v Ivan Campo
TotT respects Campo mainly because of his resemblance to the lion from the Hair Bear Bunch. This is no bad thing. As my esteemed fellow columnist Mr Basset has pointed out, flowing, or at least, rather strange locks are a prerequisite to get into the Boro team, and I think Campo should join us. Woody, Xavier, Davies, all get games based on their barnets, whilst Maccarone is bald, Rocky lost the hair band and was dropped, Mendi went bald and Ray Parlour.well, he is a ginge. Watch out Lee, grow some hair, and dye it pronto.
Clatters 7 - Campo 7
Yakuba v Nicolas Anelka
The Premiership's most in-form striker (I haven't looked it up so don't quote me) is on a hot run, mostly due to a couple of vindaloos. I predict at least one more goal here for the Yak, who will be desperate to score against Bolton after missing a sitter that even I, TotT could have scored from my pump-powered wheelchair.
Yak 9 - Anelka 8
Mark Viduka v Kevin Davies
As we near the end of the transfer window, Mark Viduka will be sitting by his telephone voting to get that hog faced harpy Jade Goody out of Big Brother, and hoping his transfer request to become the striker for the Jackson Five is accepted.
Duke 9 - Davies 7
Summary
Boro 84 - 76
Whilst TotT normally advocates that footballers have proper solid names like Wilf Mannion, the transfer window gives us a chance to rearrange our team into something rather more exciting sounding.
Lee Dong Gook should be signed on the strength of his name alone; Herold Goulon should be promoted from the reserves; Ukranian midfielder Ima Lotbetterthanboateng should at least get a trial.
TotT would rather chew cardboard than endure another game against Bolton, and looks forward to the Bristol match, which will at least have seven goals, decent prices, a sending off, loads of jokes about Bristols and of course, lots of cider.
Saying all that, TotT is confident that this will be 1-0 to the Boro, a Yak penalty of course.
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