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BRIZZLE CITY v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 26-1-07
Gordon Dalton
In what has turned out to be quite a bizarre week, Boro thrashed Bolton and chucked out all the deadwood in the form of Parlour, Ugo, with Missimo and Mendi on the way too. We also managed to buy Lee Dong Gook from the marvellously monikered Poohang Steelers.
Teesside couldn't be happier unless a ship capsized on Redcar beach with containers full of Parmos, Elizabeth Duke jewellery and crates of industrial strength lager.
And now the magic of the FA Cup awaits in the cider infested environs of Brizzle City. The FA Cup brings up many surprises but if Brizzle win it will be the biggest surprise since I sat on an Atari joystick and got stuck behind the washing machine.
Tale of the Tape cannot take too much of this feelgood factor and demands we play 5-4-1 and get beat 3-0. Then we can all go back to being as miserable as a man who wins the lottery with his last pound but misses out on the money because his cat ate the ticket. He then had to cut open the cat (which died) but the ticket was soggy. So he tried to dry it out by putting it in the oven. But the oven caught fire so his wife tried to get it out but got stuck and gassed herself. And then the house burnt down, to a Journey South soundtrack, on repeat. And it was raining. Frogs.
That is the kind of Boro misery we all know is just around the corner.
DING DONG GOOK! Round one!
Mark Schwarzer v Adriano Basso
The last time Skippy got Cup Fever was on his holidays in Oz. Well, he shouldn't have accepted that dare to drink 'amber nectar' out of a rusty cup. Boro will have a chance against a Brazillian goalkeeper. That's right - Brazillian goalkeeper - you might as well say Geordie intellectual.
Skippy 8 - Basso 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Jamie McCombe
Woody was weighing up his options this week. Should he play alongside Poga or go back to Madrid and play alongside Cannarvero? Hmmm, tough decision that one, but probably swayed by the fact that the further he is from National Exprees driver Steve McClaren's coffee breath the better. McCombe is six foot five and should spend ages McCombing Woody's locks.
Woody 9 - McCombe 6
Emanuel Pogatetz v Jamie McAllister
Poga wouldn't mind though as it seems he has nearly finished his mission to be the best centre back at Boro by poisoning his fellow teammates minds. He told Ugo that his hair is shit (well it is) but also that his bum looked big in those new jeans. Riggot hasn't recovered from when Poga told him that Santa didn't exist and Huth is hiding under the treatment table just in case Poga makes him wear that gimp mask again.
Poga 8 - McAllister 7
Seb Hines v Louis Carey
Seb Hines is a cultured guy and likes poetry. His fave poem is 'Bubbles in the Bath' by Ivor Windybottom. Hines. Heinz.. Beans... farts.. oh come on - this stuff doesn't write itself y'know. Louis Carey is a local lad which makes the fact he is related to Mariah Carey even more unbelievable than normal.
Hines 7 - Carey 7
Abel Xavier v Bradley Orr
It took three grown men and an hydraulic lift to separate Abel's peroxide chest hair from Mr Gareth's polyester suit after their exuberant celebrations last week. The static alone managed to power most of the town centre. Bradley Orr is a Geordie reject, mainly because Freddie Shepard heard Roeder say Jean Bum Song or... and went for the Bum Song.
Abel 8 - Orr 6
Stewart Downing v Scott Murray
Day 27 in the Big Brother house. There are still no bids on Stewy from Tony Soprano (Martin Jol). Luckily this coincides with Downing being popular again on the terraces, or the excuse for seating at Ashton Gate. Murray couldn't sound more Scottish if his name was Battered Mars Bar.
Downing 9 - Murray 8
Lee Cattermole v Cole Skuse
In an attempt to secure a place in Mr Gareth's hirstute team selection policy, Clatters has been glueing hair to his head. Reports that the llamas in Stewart's Park are now bald are unconfirmed at the time of making this up. Skuse. I said Skuse me, do you mind.
Clatters 7 - Skuse 6
George Boateng v Lee Johnson
All this free scoring football, its not right is it? Even George Boateng was chipping in passes and actually tackling people last week. What next? Boateng inspires World Peace? Boateng finds Osama Bin Laden and single handily delivers him to justice? George Boateng hits back of the net with 30 yard screamer? No. Lee Johnson came to Bristol from Hearts so a Geiger counter may be needed.
Boat 6 - Johnson 6
Julio Arca v Brian Wilson
Mr Gareth made the comparison with Arca and Rocky last week saying Rocky should look to Arca as how you can settle into the area. TotT thinks this is a bit unfair as Arca is Argentinian, and they like beef, which means beef & onion pie which means Boro. He also can score, pass and not throw his toys out of the pram which gives him an advantage over Rocky. Like Arca, Brian Wilson is a defender who sometimes plays in midfield. However, Arca wasn't in the Beach Boys.
Arca 7 - Wilson 6
Yakuba v Steve Brooker
TotT looks forward to a 4-3-3 line up with our new striker so we have a Yak Dong Gook Duke strike force. Steve Brooker won X-Factor two years ago but lost all his hair, changed some letters in his name and now turns out for the Robins.
Yak 8 - Brooker 6
Mark Viduka v Enoch Showunami
Will someone, anyone, please lock Keith Lamb, Steve Gibson, Mr Gareth and Mark Viduka in a room and not let them out until they have sorted out a new contract. You can also put in Rochemback as well but maybe don't let him out at all and just feed him bread and water until Sporting Lisbon agree to give us some money. £20 will do.
Enoch Showmethemoney as the Bristol front man might have said.
Vids 9 - Showunami 8
Summary
TotT welcomes our new striker and hopes he has a sense of humour. Whilst it is not mandatory to read this column, he may need one to sit on the Boro bench full of 'jokers' such as Malcolm 'funny bones' Christie, Andrew 'The Hair' Davies and funniest man alive, Fabio Rochemback who tells this brilliant gag about being a Premiership footy player from Brazil.
TotT will be going to the Bristol game, if only to see if he can find any discarded train tickets to include in the expenses column for my Tax return. I will also be on the lookout for the Robins, or some red breasts at least.
Despite the Robins good record recently, I can't see us losing this one and am confidently going for a 1-3 away win, although that may be because I started on the Scrumpy Cider on Wednesday.
Shizzle o yo fizzle dizzle, brizzle? As Snoop Dogg said to me last night whilst smoking James Blunt. Literally.
Brizzle 1 - Boro 3
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