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PORTSMOUTH v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 30-1-07
Gordon Dalton
After trudging through a muddy field for a couple of hours and ending up in somewhere called The Cottage, TotT has just got back from Brizzle City. It was a day to remember, if only I could actually remember any of it. So after the highs and relative lows of Cup football, its back to the drudgery of Premiership football.
The biggest decision facing Mr Gareth (other than which tank top to wear) was whether he should take his players back up to Teesside, or just head straight down to Portsmouth. Seeing as the muppets who do the fixture list have stuck us away on Tuesday night, the Boro will probably just go straight there. Not an option for most fans who already have had to endure a trip to the south west, so Fratton Park will be emptier than the Jade Goodey Fan Club's annual meeting in Delhi this year.
DING DONG GOOK! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v David James
OK, so Skippy had a howler on Saturday, but it pales into insignificance next to the travesties of hirsute justice that David James commits in the name of hairdressing. TotT normally applauds such rug-related japery, but James has crossed a line that says looking like silent film star Harold Lloyd is not a good look.
Skippy 7 - James 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Sol Campbell
The main reason that Rooney's goal flew in past James on Saturday was that he had just caught his own reflection in Sol Campbell's shiny dome. Skippy had tried a similar excuse but Woody has more hair on his head than an Iron Maiden concert. Each hair is insured for £1, which would give him a cool million pounds if anything happened to his barnet. Mendieta used to have a similar policy but it's down to about £300 now and going down faster than Leeds United.
Woody 9 - Sol 7
Emanuel Pogatetz v Linvoy Primus
Primus and some of mates pray to God before each game for good fortune. Poga, being a bit dyslexic, prays to Dog that he won't get sent off and he can avoid signing his name A Manual Pogo Titz.
Poga 8 - Primus 8
Andrew Taylor v Lauren
Andrew Taylor felt a massive surge of rage after the Brizzle game and tried to murder the whole circus that was in the local park. Police arrested him after he went for the juggler. Lauren would have been a good buy but Mr Gareth insists on bad haircuts, not just girl's names.
Taylor 6 - Lauren 6
Abel Xavier v Glenn Johnson
Being a man who likes to keep up on the latest fashion, TotT is on constant Abel Xavier watch. After Saturday's match it took me only five minutes to perfect the 'running around like a headless donkey' look that Abel carried off so well. Johnson will no doubt be stealing the fittings from the dressing room.
Abel 7 - Johnson 7
Stewart Downing v Gary O'Neill
Downing played well again on Saturday but once again found the strikers had pissed off to Weston Super Mare for the afternoon. Whilst the rest of us worry about there being only a couple of days left on the tax return, Stewey is sat waiting for JOL to flash up on his mobile.
Stewy 9 - O'Neill 7
Julio Arca v Miguel Pedro Mendes
'Arf a game Arca' needs to pull his bloody finger out. What he should pull it out off is a different matter entirely. Mr Gareth looks on nervously, as always. Mendes is looking a bit shady as well, especially when Mr Gareth is measuring his hair with his transfer ruler.
Arca 7 - Mendes 7
George Boateng v Matt Taylor
The Boat returns and for the first time this season I think this is a good thing. What we desperately needed on Saturday was someone to blame. George is very good at this. I'm sure we could have put in a cheeky bid for Matt Taylor, something along the lines of giving them Rocky, Parlour, Ugo, Mass, Mendi and a few coppers from down the back of Gibbo's settee. Worth a punt.
Boat 7 - Taylor 9
James Morrison v Nico Kranjcar
James Morrison was practicing his crosses last week when Croatian vampire Nico Kranjcar (yes, a vampire) ran onto the pitch. Bright as a button Mr Gareth shouted "Quick James, show him your cross!" So James canters down the right wing and shouts, "Get out of my f**king way fang face!". Honest.
James The Vampire Slayer 8 - Kranjcar the Vampire 7
Yakuba v Benjamin 'Benjani' Mwaruwari
Despite returning to the score sheet against Brizzle, the Yak also returned to being a bloody big useless lump of lard who couldn't hit a barn door if a big wind blew a barn door off and landed right on top of him. I could have scored that sitter and I lost my legs in the American Civil War. Saying that, Yak will get a brace today - of pheasants.
Yakubu 7 - Benjani 7
Mark Viduka v Andy Cole
It is blatantly obvious to everyone on the entire planet that Boro are useless unless the Duke is playing. There are even little green men in a far away universe (London) who know how influential the big man is. They are called football agents. Andy Cole still has the ability to score lots of goals, especially when he turns on his Xbox.
Vids 9 - Cole 6
Summary
Boro 84 - 78
Boro wont be too bothered about the replay against Brizzle. It gives a chance to blood the much-anticipated (by TotT) Lee Gong Dook. News that Mr Lee scored 17 on the bleep test is very impressive, although swearing is not big or clever. Well, actually it is.
And now we have a Mogga-led WBA in the next round, there will be a big motivation to win, or alternatively, at least get to Mogga to sign a pre-contract to be the next manager.
Anyway, Portsmouth thrashed us early doors this season and revenge is a dish best served cold, or at least with some chips and gravy. And a pie. And a parmo.
Portsmouth 2 - Boro 2
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