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MIDDLESBROUGH v ARSENAL TALE OF THE TAPE 2-2-07
Gordon Dalton
Finally, after 31 nights of fiddling with Keith Lamb's fax machine, Mr Gareth can sleep easy in his paediatric bed, and gaze longingly at his signed photo of Thora Hird. Yes, the transfer window closed with only a rare Korean bird fluttering through the window.
In rather more encouraging news, Mr Gareth finally shot the lesser spotted Mendieta, Ugo, Parlour and the some-time legendary Massimo Maccarone, leaving their twitching corpses by his cat flap for local moggies to feed on their bones.
And so now we welcome the Arse to the Riverside, with the Boro now a much leaner, fitter beast. Apart from Mark Viduka.
DING DONG GOOK!! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Jens Lehmann
Jens spends his spare time buffing up for his other job as a cage fighter. He is now undefeated in twelve bouts. Skippy biffs him in the chops and wins on a knockout in the eighth round. Never, ever, mess with a kangaroo with a grudge.
Skippy 7 - Jens 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Philip Senderos
Someone just told me that Jonny Woodgate is a red. This is not good enough. If I wanted to live under Soviet rule I would have bought that Condo in Moscow. Senderos will be off to Siberia if his fall into the pits of poor form hell continues.
Jonny Red 9 - Senderos 6
Emanuel Pogatetz v Kolo Toure
First Macrame, then Tai Chi, now modern art: Poga's quest to be more cultured took him to MIMA this week where he constructed a scale model of the Tower of Babel out of papier-mâché. Unfortunately, he built it from the inside out, so he may have some trouble getting out in time for kick off.
Poga 8 - Toure 8
Abel Xavier v Emanuel Eboue
Also on the AWOL list is Abel who may or may not have been sold to a gang of pirates who were moored off the coast of Portsmouth. Eboue will be star struck, marvelling at the architectural delights of the Teesside landscape.
Abel 8 - Eboue 8
Andrew Taylor v Justin Hoyte
Taylor..zzzzzzzzz, Andrew Taylor..zzzzzzzzz. Is this boy in some way related to Steve Davies? Where are the tales of spit-roasting lesbian vampires in a diamond encrusted Bentley. Footballers these days, I don't know..
Taylor 7 - Hoyte 7
Stewart Downing v Gilberto
Following the transfer window, no one will be more surprised than Stewey to be at La Riv on a freezing February afternoon at 5.15pm. He was hoping to be at home watching the Planet's Funniest Animals on ITV2.
Downing 8 - Gilberto 8
George Boateng v Cesc Fabregas
George has been gearing up for this game all season, so much in fact that he has refused to take part in the previous games. Even though he is on the pitch. Cesc is the heir to the Faberge egg franchise, if only he can sort out the deed poll application.
Boat - 6 - Cesc 8
Lee Cattermole v Alexander Hleb
Lee Cattermole this week said that he was not a number he was a free man. And all this happened because Mr Gareth kicked a big white ball at him at Hurworth. Tut-tut Lee. Hleb is still having trouble passing the ball, mainly because he never has it.
Lee 7 - Hleb 7
Julio Arca v Thomas Rosisky
If you look very closely at Arca, you can see he is aided by a team of miniature sherpas, who make him move by pulling the hairs on his body. Leg hair = running; head hair = heading; pubic hair = shooting. The sherpas in his shorts get paid double. Rosisky is currently searching North London for similar helpers.
Arca 7 - Rosiscky 8
Yakuba v Julio Baptista
Big Yak is the most used player in the Boro team this season fact fans. Everyone at the club is cadging a lift, lending dinner money off him or just taking advantage of his sweet nature. Julio Baptista is nicknamed the Beast. He wants to try wandering the Cleveland Hills, naked and smelling of sweat. Then he'd know what a beast is.
Yak 8 - The Beast 7
Lee Dong Gook v Thierry Henry
Ladies and Gentlemen, lads and lasses, cats and, er, dogs, I give you, with the biggest fanfare in the world, MR LEE DONG FUCKIN GOOK!!! I don't care if he plays or not, he is in my team every week even if it means playing Mark Viduka in goal (which maybe isn't that bad an idea). TotT wishes you the best of luck, until next week where I will start taking the mick. Altogether now - DONG GOOK DONG GOOK DONG GOOK!!!
Dong Gook 10 - Henry 1
Summary
Boro 77 - Arse 69
TotT had to rewrite all this week's in-depth profiles as they all were about Lee Dong Gook. I will try to keep my worship at a minimum as I am still recovering from Missimo leaving.
Anyway, our opponents on Saturday are pretty well respected by most football fans for their free flowing game. Well everyone but me. My angst against the Arse lies at the feet of the man, the legend, and the ego that is Terry Henry. Yeah, yeah, great player, etc, but if I have to watch that stupid arrogant goal celebration ever again I will commit hari-kiri with a blunt spoon. If one of our players did it I would throw myself off the top of the Transporter.
So, whilst fire chiefs on the Tees can sleep easy on Saturday, the cutlery draw is open and ready.
Boro 1 - Arsenal 4
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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