|
|
MIDDLESBROUGH v BRISTOL CITY TALE OF THE TAPE 13-2-07
Gordon Dalton
Ahhhhh, the joys of a crisp morning when all is still, the clouds clearing over the Cleveland Hills, the joyous tinge of smog up the nostrils. What a wonderful world it is.
As I woke this morning from my slumber dreaming of Lee Dong Gook scoring a hat trick on his debut (OK, I was dreaming of naked girls gently rubbing me down whilst watching Lee Dong Gook scoring a hat trick on his debut), this beautiful calm was broken by the sound of a convoy of combine harvesters pulling into town.
Yes, it's Brizzle again in the nu-rave E.on FA Cup. With the sponsors giving out free ecstasy, the streets of Boro will be quieter than a blood donation clinic with Dr Acula as everyone piles into La Riv to rave about a bit to Pigbag. However, Parmo dealers need not worry as 2000 screaming Koreans will need something for their tea.
DING DING! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Chris Weale
Skippy will be keen not to commit any howlers like he did last time against Brizzle, where he was seen howling at the moon like a deranged Ozzy Osbourne after too many ciders. Basso was hoping to, er, shine, as he would if his name was Brasso, which it isn't, but he is suspended, so Chris Weale will be hoping his, er, wheels don't come off in front of the cameras.
Skippy 8 - Weale 7
Andrew Davies v Jamie McCombe
Mr Gareth pulls a tactical masterstroke and selects Davies to dazzle and distract the opposition with his hairdo. Not since Mount Rushmore has hair been carved into such a wondrous sculptural landmark. McCombe looks like a size zero model on a desert island diet, and might get blown into the Tees if there is a bit of a breeze.
Davies 9 - McCombe 7
Emanuel Pogatetz v Jamie McCallister
Until recently, Poga was on course to win the TotT player of the season. He has done nothing wrong, but players around him have started to impress. Only this week, Abel came into training sporting red dreadlocks, Mr T style jewellery and crotchless shorts. To compete, Poga has started to grow a ponytail, but somewhere it got lost in translation and Poga was last seen galloping around Redcar Races with a flowing mane sticking out of his arse.
Poga 8 - McCallister 7
Andrew Taylor v Liam Fontaine
Taylor is really getting on my nerves now. At this level, it is simply not good enough to be one of the best left-backs in the country. You didn't get this normality with Matthew Bates. Fontaine has water spouting out of his head, if you say his name wrong.
Taylor 7 - Fontaine 6
Abel Xavier v Bradley Orr
Abel walked into Hurworth this week and pronounced, "I am the God of hellfire and I give you.FIRE!" It would have been funny had Abel not set his head alight with his beard curlers.
Xavier 7 - Orr 6
Stewart Downing v David Noble
Now that his missus is on the tele, Stewey has been living it up on the town. He is now banned from two bingo halls; the matinee shows at the cinema and sleepovers at Andrew Taylor's house. And if TotT sees him smoking those cigarette sweets one more time, I'm on Mr Gareth's blower, which is a phrase I never thought I'd type.
TotT had just stopped giggling like an additive infused toddler at his Kevin Betsy's surname when I realised he isn't playing and TotT lookalike David Noble was playing.
Downing 8 - Noble 7
George Boateng v Lee Johnson
After ruthlessly ridiculing George for most of the season (supporting my fellow columnist and Ewok impersonator, Stuart Ward's Boateng Out campaign), I have decided to get off George's back. I realised carrying me around under his shirt hasn't been helping his game. Johnson is the Brizzle manager's son, which is an excuse I wish Mr Gareth could use for George's inclusion in the team.
Boat 6 - Johnson 7
Julio Arca v Cole Skuse
Arca is turning out to be a real magician in midfield. Just last week as Arsenal advanced, he pulled a rabbit out of a hat, handkerchiefs from his sleeves and a white dove from his underpants. Sadly, he failed to saw Terry Henry in half. That celebratory dance would be a lot different with no legs. Skuse looks like he was in an early 90's boy band, called Uglypants or something like that.
Arca 7 - Skuse 6
Lee Dong Gook v Scott Murray
In a vain attempt to boost my readership in Korea, Lee Dong Gook replaces Lee Cattermole in my line up despite not being eligible. Whilst this may be selfish, those Korean girls are very nice looking, and frankly, my ego needs boosting after a particular bad visit to the barbers. I asked him to make me look like Daniel Craig. He replied the best he could do was stop me looking like a twat.
Dong Gook 10 - Murray 7
Yakuba v Phil Jevons
Yak will give the Brizzle defence a torrid time, mainly by letting their tyres down and scratching his keys along the side of their Combines, spitting greenies in their Scrumpy (not that they'd notice) and putting itching powder in their Wellies.
Yak 7 - Jevons 6
Mark Viduka v Enoch Showunami
Boro's best player by a country mile, the Duke has been smoking rolled up fifties and eating the finest pies known to man in anticipation of his new deal at La Riv. TotT advises caution though, as he could be waiting longer than a leper at a bus stop for a new deal to arrive.
Vids 9 - Showunami 8
Summary
Boro 86 - 75
TotT remembers the trip to Brizzle with great fondness, but can't remember diddly
squat about the game. Half of the Brizzle team have cried off for tonight so we should win this at a canter, or at least at George Boateng's pace (just short of the knackers yard.)
Arca and Vids are a doubt, but that's because they are addicted to Shameless and there is a possibility it will go to extra time. Dong Gook won't be playing, but is much more fun to write about than Lee Cattermole.
Brizzle City fans were gobbier than than a call centre on crack, so here's hoping we stuff em like Bernard Matthews. But without a hanky.
This looks a good solid bet for a win, and with all the Boro supporting Koreans in tow, Linthorpe Road will never have been cleaner as every pitbull in the area heads for home.
Boro 3 - Brizzle City 1
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
|
|
|
|
