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MIDDLESBROUGH v READING TALE OF THE TAPE 23-2-07
Gordon Dalton
As many of you know, TotT is methodically researched. However, much of this research is generally chucked in the B1n file in favour of gags so cheap they are in danger of catching Bird Flu.
Saying that, TotT applied some doctoral research he nicked off Dr 'not a Dr really' Gillian McKeith. In between inspecting turds and looking like the wicked witch from Wizard of Oz (after the water throwing incident), McKeith may or may not have said that children's behaviour is formed in their early years, with them repeating the same mistakes many times until they finally learn how to do it. Obviously, the bowel inspector didn't say this (she was too busy impersonating an anorexic seagull), but there is a lesson to be learned for the Boro.
Day one of the season saw us take a 2-0 lead at Reading, only to throw it away. These mistakes have been repeated against lowly opposition in the cup, and we have only just lived to tell the tale. Boro need to be tighter than Michael Hutchence's belt if those mistakes are not to be repeated against the impressive Reading.
DING DONG! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Adam Federici
Skippy's legs were wider than Lindsay Lohan on heat during Saturday's game, leading some fans to get on his back. That's hardly going to help is it? He is bad enough coming for the ball as it is without some thick lard arse sat on his back. If Hahnemann is still on tour with Slipknot, Skippy will be up against his Aussie protégé Federici who had a blinder against Man Ure.
Skippy 7 - Federici 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Ivar Ingarmarsson
Whilst most footballers say their favourite TV programme is Only Fools and Horses (along with liking Chubby Brown and Spag Bog as their fave food), Woody actually likes Prison Break. Plenty of ideas on how to escape a sentence he didn't commit to.
(disclaimer - TotT wants Woody to sign for life, or at least until he gets injured again).
Woody 9 - Ingarmarsson 7
Emanuel Pogatetz v Andre Bikey
Don't get me wrong, I love Poga. But where in the name of Dave Doriva has Robert Huth gone? Lord Lucan and Tony McMahon have dismissed reports that he was last seen riding Shergar down Redcar Sands.
Poga 8 -Bikey 6
Andrew Taylor v Nickey Shorey
In an attempt to keep up with Abel and Davies in the 'my hair is shitter than yours' competition, Taylor has had the Boro badge shaved into his pubes. Unfortunately the chaffing has caused him severe discomfort, causing a couple of right cock-ups in the past two games. Shorey looks like a children's TV presenter, but without the stripey jumpers and gak addiction.
Taylor 6 - Shorey 7
Abel Xavier v Graeme Murty
TotT marvelled at Joss Stone's appearance on the Brit Awards last week, mainly because her alleged chemical induced staggering about aimlessly and chameleon like hair-do reminded me of Abel. Murty has played well this year, despite not managing to string a sentence together on MotD2.
Abel 7 - Murty 8
Stewart Downing v Stephen Hunt
Whilst the media at large and internet conspiracy theorists at large (well, at home, the greasy nerds) would have Stewart Downing responsible for 9/11, TotT likes to think Stewey is playing out of his skin, which can be a bit draughty at this time of year. Hunt is an Arca look-alike who is grateful his first name isn't Mark.
Downing 8 - Hunt 7
James Morrison v Glenn Little
Boateng is dropped this week (well, by me anyway) in favour of Brits Winner James Morrison. TotT demands that James is reinstated to the team, just so I don't have to write anything else about Boateng's valium fuelled season.
Morrison 7 - Little 7
Julio Arca v James Harper
Whilst the Baggies game was closer than Britney Spear's head, at least we weren't opened up like her paparazzi attracting panties. The former pop princess has obviously been watching Upstairs, Downstairs and misinterpreted the title for her follicle inspiration. Arca will be hoping to carry on his good run of form, especially after his broken foot-inflicted howler against Reading on day one. Harper (unlike Murty) will go onto a successful career in the media, mainly because he has a face built for radio.
Arca 8 - Harper 7
Lee Cattermole v Steve Sidwell
Sidwell should be near the top of Boro's shopping list in the summer, but only if he dyes his hair. I mean, we wouldn't have a ginger here would we. Oh...
Clatters 6 - Sidwell 8
Yakuba v Leeroy Lita
TotT is still in the Yakuba fanclub, mainly because I like a bit of peace and quiet. I refuse to criticise our top scorer, especially when Steve McClaren can be blamed for everything from Britney's hair to Global Warming.
Yak 7 - Lita 8
Mark Viduka v Dave Kitson
News has just come in that Mark Viduka's new contract has been spotted in Dehli. Keith Lamb is on the case and has dispatched Jade Goodey to sort out the details. Kitson has the hair to become a future Boro target, although Mr Gareth is probably looking at George Clinton, Britney Spears and Steve Strange as possible targets.
Duke 8 - Kitson 7
Summary
Boro 81 - Reading 79
TotT can only hope Lee Dong Gook gets a look-in here, if only to say hello to his international team mate. After a good run, Boro are on the ropes a bit, and a Korean running wild up front will take our minds off penalties and FA Cup replays. Granted, with possibly two Koreans on the pitch, we may be more worried that Doriva the Dog hasn't come back in from the garden.
TotT has been very impressed with Reading this year, and we will do well to get a draw. So I will go for 2-2, but if Dong Gook gets on the pitch, we will batter them harder than a round of golf with Craig Bellamy.
Boro 2 - Reading 2
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