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WEST BROM v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 27-2-07
Gordon Dalton
Not only is football a game of two halves, so is this season, with Boro starting to look like a proper football team instead of a collection of legless Subbuteo players with bad 70s haircuts...
On top of that there is an outside chance of Europe. If Mr Gareth can scrape a few pence from the back of the settee and get down to Shitoles Travel Agent before dinner, he might grab a bargain bucket trip to some foreign land (or Dolphin Park).
If that wasn't enough, we get to fanny about for 120 mins against Mogga's boys before scraping through on penalties.
DING DONG GOOK!
Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Dean Kiely
TotT would like to congratulate Skippy on ten years good, nay, great service. Apparently the club rewarded Skippy with a gold watch from Argos, which has been kept up Keith Lamb's jumper ever since he nicked it off Malcolm Allison. Kiely looks like he's had 100 hundred years service.
Skippy 8 - Kiely 7
Jonathan Woodgate vCurtis Davies
Is Curtis 'Big/Small Dave' Curtis suspended for this replay. I hope not as his 'Gorilla putting on lipstick' style of tackling is sure to bring lots of penalties. Woody is like Marylin Monroe in comparison, such is the grace of his defending, but without the JFK stuff and dodgy suicide.
Woody 9 - Davies 'Small 7'
Emanuel Pogatetz v Neil Clement
Poga was a bit miffed that Alistar Griffin hadn't written a song about him so he thought he have a crack himself. So he went up to Heartbeat country with a guitar and strummed away under Biffin's Bridge, which is somewhere near Goatland, apparently.
Poga 7 - Clement 6
Abel Xavier v Paul Robinson
Fellow COB columnist Udayan Murkherjee pointed out that Boro have started to gel together. I (ahem) know this is down to the gallons of Acme Hair Gel used in the dressing room. The main culprits are obviously The Flying Follicle Brothers, Abel and Andrew Davies, but there is still a lot of unused static energy at Boro from Bernie Slaven's chest, Paul Wilkinson's tache and Parnaby's bumfluff. The combination of Gel and static is obviously the main reason we look like a team.
Abel 8 - Robinson 6
Andrew Taylor v Paul McShane
Someone said to TotT the other day that Taylor looks like he needed a vest. 'BAH!' I cried, 'These modern day footballers all wear gloves, vests, stockings, thermal jock straps and hats' until I realised I hadn't heard him correctly. McShane will be wearing a yellow coat and singing Hi-De-Hi.
Taylor 7 - Robinson 7
Stewart Downing v Jonathan Greening
Rumours were flying around Teesside about Downing this week. I'm not one to listen to tittle tattle, but if Downing wants to eat pies all day, then I don't care what his Mother thinks. or have I missed something here. I dislike Greening even more than when he was at the Boro, mainly because his hair is slightly, and only slightly under control.
Downing 9 - Greening 5
Julio Arca v Robert Koren
Arca is playing a blinder recently, and is being talked about as the next Zenden, which is not a great compliment for the lad. 'Hey Julio, you're an inconsistent shirker who managed to fall and his arse and score a penalty'. He'll be off to Liverpool if he carries on like this.
Arca 7 - Koren 6
George Boateng v Darren Carter
Darren Cater is so good that Welsh ITV Rock Idols, the Manic Street Preachers nearly named a song after him. Boateng couldn't get a song named after him even if his name was Sgt Pepper.
Boat 7 - Carter 7
Lee Cattermole v Zoltan Gera
Lee Cattermole is slowly turning into Jamie Pollock, which TotT believes is a good thing. Gera is turning into an evil time lord sent from the planet Zoltan to destroy us with little lazer guns implanted in his boots, and tentacles sticking out of his arse. Not a good look in West Bromwich on a rainy Tuesday.
Clatters 7 - Gera 8
Mark Viduka v John Hartson
Although TotT wanted to pull my ears off before hearing Hallelujah/Mark Viduka, once I'd actually calmed down, this song should be sung from the terraces for a long time to come, apart from the 'Boateng flick' lyric.
Duke 9 - Hartson 7
Lee Dong Gook v Diomansy Kamara
I'd like to see Dong Gook start tonight, mainly so I can take the dog for a walk. Kamara is a target for Mr Gareth, but only because his name would fit into the Griffin song, which along with bad haircuts, should be a pre-requisite for future signings.
Dong Gook 10 - Kamara 8
Summary
Boro 87 - WBA 74
In an unusual break from my (ahem) normal rib-splitting summary, I will leave you with this, which is pure 100% genius. To the tune of Cohen's much covered Hallelujah, which also featured in Shrek...
I heard there was a secret ball
Southgate dreamed that we'd beat them all, you don't play the long ball do ya
It goes like this the full pitch width, Downings cross and Boatengs flick
the baffled keeper can't stop Mark Viduka..
Mark Viduka, Mark Viduka, Mark Viduka, Mark Viduka.
Defence was strong but you needed Huth, Pogatetz and Woodgate too
just to stop Ronaldo running through ya
Well they tied mad dog to the phyisios chair with Cattermole in Xavier's hair
But from our team they can't take Mark Viduka
Mark Viduka, Mark Viduka, Mark Viduka, Mark Viduka.
Did my best, wasn't much was praying for
Yakubu's touch to find the golden boot of Mark Viduka
That even though it all went wrong
Come Saturday the special one be shouting to John Terry, "mark Viduka"
Mark Viduka, Mark Viduka, Mark Viduka.
West Brom 2 Boro 3
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