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NEWCASTLE v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 2-3-07
Gordon Dalton
Sweet Jesus, is there anyone with an ounce of Teesside blood who wasn't close to checking in to Heart Attack Hotel on Coronary Street on Tuesday night. Mogga's boys took us to the wire and made us rub our wobbly bits on the barbs.
But credit where credits due, as my bank manager never says, Mr Gareth was instrumental in changing the game in our favour when all seemed lost. Normally, this means sticking a bugle up someone's backside (George 'PARP!' Boateng), but on this occasion he showed real tactical nous and dug us out of a foxhole.
Now, if I could only find those damn fingernails, fingers, hands, wrists and lower arm that I chewed off like a Korean at Crufts, I wouldn't have to type this piece with bloodied sthumpths.
DING DONG GOOK!
Mark Schwarzer v Shay Given
It was apparent on Tuesday that Boro's recent gelling together had an adverse effect on Brad Jones. His feet were gelled to the floor like Geoffrey Boycott attempting a quick single. Skippy returns to his rightful spot and the region breathe a sigh of relief strong enough to fell a tree in the Amazon.
Skippy 8 - Given 8
Jonathan Woodgate v Oguchi Onyewu
Woody stood strong against the Baggies just like he does every other week. He is like King Canute turning back the tide, and not just for his mythical looking locks. It's hard to believe that Graham Gooch could have signed for us, despite having a comedy tache.
Woody 9 - Gooch 6
Emanuel Pogatetz v Titus Bramble
Poga is looking a bit out of sorts ever since he started watching Lost. Everywhere he looks he sees polar bears, non-growing beards and big fat bellies - and that's just in the dressing room. I take so little notice of the skunks that I actually laughed out loud when I saw that Bramble still gets a game. Worst player in the league. Any League. Ever.
Poga 7 - Bramble 3
Andrew Taylor v Stephen Taylor
Mr Gareth has sent Taylor to Pimp his ride up. Not for his car you understand, for his hair and general body parts. Mr Gareth is hoping he'll come back with George Clinton's hair, Abi Titmuss' chest, Dolph Lungren's arms and the legs of an abandoned giraffe. With Abel on the other side, this makeover will give the defence some kind of balance. Up against his Skunk brother today, maybe.
Kramer 7 - Kramer 7
Stuart Parnaby v Paul Huntington
TotT would like to welcome Stuart Parnaby this week, as its been far too long. I had hoped that when he came off the subs bench on Tuesday, his bumfluff beard would have transformed into something akin to Rasputin. You don't see nearly enough beards in football. Bring back beards, that's what I say.
Parnaby 6 - Huntington 6
Stuart Downing v Damien Duff
Stewey made a great claim for an England recall on Tuesday. Not for his slightly average display, but for a very good penalty. Steve McClaren was seen scribbling furiously in the stands, probably doing a crossword. 11 letters. starts with M?
Downing 8 - Duff 8
George Boateng vs Scott Parker
George gets a TotT reprieve this week, as I was surprised he lasted 120 minutes. When he stepped up to take the sixth penalty, certain people had him in the cross hairs from their position on the grassy knoll. Not TotT, not this week. Saying that, Parker is the player to replace George in the summer.
Boat 7 - Parker 8
Julio Arca v Nicky Butt
The Boro player of the year award will be a tough choice this year. Woody (Real Madrid player) or Poga (much improved nutter); Viduka (no contract) or Arca (ex-Sunlun). At this stage I am plumping for Arca, as I really believe he was the missing ingredient in a big red pie with a lovely crust, baked lovingly in Mrs Gareth's oven.
Arca 8 - Butt 7
James Morrison v Nobby Solano
TotT is expecting this game to be very end to end i.e. running from one end of the Geordie concourse to the other trying to find a decent pie. However, young Jimmy should start - let's not go defensive, just let him run wild. on the pitch even. Solano must really, really like Newcastle Brown to leave and then go back to the Skunks. Oh, and cash of course.
Morison 7 - Solano 7
Yakubu v Obefemi Martins
Yak is now constantly looking over his shoulder now that Dong Gook has arrived, and not just because he has a Bull Terrier tattooed on his back. Obefemi should be more worried though, as his name translates in to BBQ Rottweiler ribs in a béchamel sauce. Martins suffers the same touch as Yak - that of an amputated octopus.
Yak 7 - Oba 7
Mark Viduka v Antoine Sibierski
The Duke scored again and doesn't look like stopping until he gets a new contract sometime in 2010. Sibierski looks like Massimo Maccarone at a distance, which sadly, Mass is.
Duke 9 - Sib 7
Summary
Boro 83 - Skunks 74
Sid James' Park will be full of 9000,000 of the best fans in the known universe, supporting the best team who invented football divan ya na, all in the best shirt in the world and singing the best chants ever heard since Adam pulled a rib.
However, the Boro travelling army of two coach loads from Yarm will wittily out-sing the delusioned, mainly because they have lots more rhymes for Labradors and Gooking.
Mr Dong Gook Lee looks good in red, and has the prerequisite barmy haircut. I predict a couple of Dong goals, and with all the dogs in Newcastle he'll dine like a king. KING DONG.
Skunks 2 - Boro 2
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