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MIDDLESBROUGH v MANCHESTER UNITED TALE OF THE TAPE 9-3-07
Gordon Dalton
Well, the big day has nearly arrived and all of Teesside is more excited than Dong Gook Lee at this year's Crufts.
In fact, excitement levels have reached such a peak, that even Ray Mallon has promised a town centre celebration if we win. Obviously, this will be so he can go in and repossess your house, but you will be so drunk you won't notice until the close season. (Ray, I'm only joking, you know where I live.)
Boro 'legends' Paul Daniels and Chris Rea will be performing on the pitch at half time, if Mr Gareth can find those ankle chains and stocks that McClaren used on Massimo Maccarone.
TotT has really got into the cup spirit, getting through at least two litres of turps before writing this. As a result, I will endeavour in a TotT first, i.e. getting the right players in the right positions, maybe even for the right teams.
DING DONG GOOK!! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Edwin Van der Sar
TotT is pretty confident that these two are in the right position. If this is wrong then I will stand on top of the Transporter and stick hot needles in my eyes and Tampons in my ears whilst whistling Pigbag through my false teeth - like any other Saturday night.
Skippy 7 - Van der Graf Generator 8
Jonathan Woodgate v Rio Ferdinand
As you all know, TotT has an unhealthy obsession with all matters follicle. There is much to discuss here then with two contrasting styles. Rio's braided look puts him in the R'n'B bracket of Bentleys, Crystal Champagne and brushes with the law. Woody's look resembles a dodgy Spanish Heavy Metal band, but since it got like that he has avoided the rozzers, so he gets an extra point for being brave enough to have long hair and be from the Boro.
Woody 9 - Rio 8
Emanuel Pogatetz v Nemanja Vidic
Two uncompromising Eastern Europeans (well, east of Redcar anyway) go head to head in a clash of hard men. Vidic doesn't have the same crazed look as Poga, mainly because Poga spends his nights reading Baudrillard and playing war simulations hopped up on Nightnurse and menthol cigarettes.
Poga 7 - Vidic 7
Abel Xavier v Gary Neville
Two opposite sides of the right back coin. Heads, its Abel, a walking explosion in the hairdressers and prone to both gaffs and greatness. Tails, and its Neville, Mr Reliable and probably the best right back this country has ever produced. Shame he is such an irritating little man, like having a hornet stuck up your jacksy, whilst being forced to watch GMTV on a constant loop.
Abel 7 - Neville 8
Andrew Taylor v Gabriel Heinze
I'm plumping for Heinze instead of Evra, in the vain hope I can squeeze out another pump related beans gag. Oh, I just did. Heinze speaks Patagonian Welsh, so Taylor will be wearing John Motson's Sheepskin Jacket as a distraction tactic.
Taylor 7 - Heinze 8
Stewart Downing v Ryan Giggs
DJ Downing has been spinning the wheels of steel down his local, dropping some jumping beats from the likes of Journey South, Mud and Napalm Death - all at the same time. Giggsy came along to watch and shrug his stuff, but his hirstute pencil thin body got velcroed to Bernie Slaven who had his arse out again. Put it away Bernie, we haven't won yet.
Downing 8 - Giggs 8
Julio Arca v Ji-Sung Park
If we are to win here (and we will), Arca will need to be at his best. To achieve this he has been scoffing plenty of Argentinean Beef, which Mr Gareth picked up at North Ormesby market. Park may go hungry, as we have our own Korean scouring the markets and dog pounds.
Arca 8 - Park 7
George Boateng v Michael Carrick
A battle of old master versus young pretender in this midfield clash today as George plays with his wind up Evel Knieval set whilst Carrick fiddles around with a Nintendo DS. Carrick will have the upper hand for sixty minutes before his batteries run out and George aims his motorbike at Carrick's goolies.
Boat 6 - Carrick 7
James Morrison v Cristiano Ronaldo
Young Jimmy has a good record against United, and will look to get on the score sheet once again. Ronaldo wil be looking to get on the end of someone's boot and perform triple saltos with a reverse twist. The cheating get.
Jimmy 7 - Ronaldo 9
Yakubu v Wayne Rooney
These two love handled lotharios will be wooing the older ladies in the crowd with their, er, dazzling skills. Rooney will be severely knackered after filming Shrek 3.
Yak 7 - Rooney 8
Mark Viduka v Henrik Larsson
TotT once bumped in to Larsson in Glasgow. When I say bumped, I mean knock over as he is only 4ft tall (and a brilliant footy player). Vids will be on top form for this one, scoring a couple before playing like a lump of lard against Plymouth.
Vids 8 - Larsson 7
Summary
Boro 81 - Manchester United 84
TotT will be wearing his lucky red underpants for this one. Saying that I have had them on since Xmas, much to the annoyance of everyone. When we win, I will take them off and fly them like a hand glider over the Cleveland Hills singing Three Steps to Heaven by Showadawaddy, followed by a quick rendition of Alistair Griffin's Mark Viduka.
With Comic Relief pending, let's hope that Abel doesn't act the clown and that Downing isn't cracking hilarious gags about Wags Boutique. We need United to play below par, with a few birdies thrown into the communal bath for good celebratory measure.
Mr Gareth will refute Sir Alex's 'naïve' comments by turning up dressed as a little Irish leprechaun and carrying a blow up doll of the Loch Ness monster. Put that in your gum and chew it Alex.
I know we can do this, you know we can do this, let's just hope the players remember they have done it, and can do it again, and that the ref has got his Anti-Ronaldo glasses on.
COME ON BORO!!
Boro 2 Manchester United 1
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