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MIDDLESBROUGH v MANCHESTER CITY TALE OF THE TAPE 16-3-07
Gordon Dalton
Many Boro fans are ignoring this game in favour of badger baiting, fly fishing and something about the FA Cup. Hogwash says TotT, this could be a defining game in the season, especially for Mendieta who gets let out of his cell after repeated hair crimes.
Whilst no one would wish ill will on Psycho Pearce, TotT will spend the afternoon chuckling like a drunken child as Boro pisses all over his parade. This won't be easy seeing as Cit-eh are the best club in Manchester, and they certainly won't lie down easily.. but TotT has wooed many a rough old dog, and I'm sure the Boro reserves can do the same.
DING DONG GOOK! Round One!
Brad Jones v Isaksson
Really, who is interested in this? Argos has a sale on this afternoon and I need a new grill. George Foreman for me, knock out in the tenth, exhausted though. Clinton's Cards is next door so will get a card for our Mam.
Jones 6 - Isaksson 6
Robert Huth v Richard Dunne
Huth returns from his expedition up the Amazon, where he was searching for someone to pay him even more to sit on the bench. Broken foot my arse, which it will be if he reads this. Richard Dunne. meh.
Huth 8 - Dunne 7
Emanuel Pogatetz v Sylvanian Family Dystin
If I was Mr Gareth, my first job would be sort out my hair. The second job would be to make Poga captain for this game. What could go wrong? It's not like he is going to bring back fox hunting or launch nuclear missiles at Wayne Rooney's house, is it?
Dystin isn't good enough to get into our back four today, never mind the first team.
Poga 8 - Dystin 6
Andrew Taylor v Ball
I have no idea who Ball is, and not one iota of energy to find out. He could be Zoe Ball for all I care, and still I wouldn't look up from sharpening my fingers into bloody points with a broadsword.
Taylor 7 - Ball 6
Abel Xavier v Micah Richards
If Micah Richards is worth £20m then I am Kylie Minogue, riding a white swan down Linny Road, naked, with fireworks firing out of my peachy bottom. This is obviously a look that Abel aspires to.
Abel 7 - Richards 7
Adam Johnson v Ireland
OK, its Paddy's Day, but that is no reason for a grown man to wear a jesters hat and sing Dirty Old Town in a funny accent. You know the real reason why Shane MacGowan is drunk all the time? He is sick of people like you pretending to be Oirish. Adam Johnson avoids all this frippery by scoring a brace.
Johnson 7 - Ireland 6
Lee Cattermole v Dietar Hamman
Clatters moves into the middle to beat up old man Hamman, and gives Barton a whack for good measure. James Morrison looks on hoping Clatters gets an injury. Hamman has an injury: he is German.
Clatters 8 - Hamman 7
Fabio Rochemback v Joey Barton
The Voyager satellite is the furthest man made object from earth. However, today, it will come under sever attack from a spherical object launched from Rochemback's boot, six yards from Cit-eh's goal. Barton starts a fight, with himself.
Rocky 6 - Barton 7
Gaizka Mendieta v Sun Jihai
Rather than humanley putting him down, or sending him to a dog sanctuary in Malaga, Mr Gareth will publicly humiliate Mendi by playing him wide right. This will expose his bald patch to a vast section of the crowd, and he will collapse under the intense scrutiny and embarrassment.
Mendy 7 - Jihai 7
Malcom Christie v Mpenza
Christie is cultivating what can only be described as a marsupial on his face. I'm still pushing the 'Beards for Footballers' campaign, but Malcolm isn't helping matters with something that the cat could lick off. Mpenza is officially 112 years old and smells of Old Holborn.
Christie 7 - Mpenza 7
Dong Gook Lee v Darius Vassell
Mr Gareth is no mug, and he knows as well as I do that KING DONG will score at least six on his full debut. However, he will need 200 chances and hit the post on 194 of them. Darius Vassell looks like he is constantly sucking on a Fisherman's Friend, and can often be found on holiday in Whitby.
King Dong 10 - Vassell, er, lets see, 3
Summary
As you can tell, I have no idea what the team will be, and it may be a case of whoever turns up. Fans are advised to bring their boots, as anyone is preferred to Fabio Rochemback.
Gook should start, and perhaps learn to pass every now and then, but I couldn't care less if he runs around in circles chasing puppies for ninety minutes. He is my favourite player and no amount of statistical tomfoolery will change my mind.
Win this and we are well placed for a crack at a European place. Lose and we will be well placed for a crack at a European place by beating Manchester United.
Boro 1 - Cit-eh 0
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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