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MANCHESTER UNITED v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 19-3-07
Gordon Dalton
There are not many sights worse for any team than seeing Ronaldo, Rooney and Giggs charging at you for ninety minutes.
Indeed, TotT would prefer to stick a hungry ocelot down his keks, with instructions to kill anything that moves (granted, at my age I should be safe), rather than have to go through the agony of seeing Boro face those three again.
However, we've done it before, and Boateng's big girly blouse hands in the air flapping around last time robbed us. So, it should be Manchester United who are wincing like they have hungry rodents down their silky pants.
Let's face it, it's going to be much easier this time. we won't have to look at Gary Neville's wrinkled mush, and Alan Smith will be surely looking for a transfer to Boro in the summer, so he will exert himself duly and be like a fart in the fog.
DING DONG GOOK! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Thomas Kuszak
Skippy has prepared for this epic encounter by having his hands injected with the fatty deposits of most the North stand's arses. His hands are now like Zeppelins, with nary a gap to be seen when he is between the sticks. Apart from between his legs, which is a worry. Kuszak was terrible on crosses in the first match, like the lovechild of Dracula and Jesus .er, Jesucula, which is French for oral sex. Possibily.
Skippy 8 - Kuszak 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Rio Ferdinand
Whilst Woodgate waits patiently for Jose to ring him on his super bling S0d B0r0 phone, Rio might just have an eye on the Israel game. He's hoping Woody gets injured, he's hoping Terry gets injured and he is hoping he won't get injured. And lets face it. it doesn't take much for this overpaid buffoon to get distracted.
Woody 9 - Rio 8
Emanuel Pogatetz v Vidic
Poga pulled off a great tr0ick by pretending to be injured on Saturday. He gets none of the blame and he will be super match fit on Monday night. It is Poga's destiny to win the FA Cup. A strange gypsy type told him whilst staring into his balls on Redcar front. Well, Rocky has to do something to pass the time.
Poga 8 - Vidic 8
Stuart Parnaby v Wes Brown
This duel is the quarter final heat of 'Who wants to look like a slightly perturbed foetus' competition, with the winner going on to face the current champion Robert Earnshaw. The signs for either of Monday's heat' are not good, with one covered in the fluff from the back of the settee, and the other covered in ginger iron filings.
Parnaby 7 - Brown 6
Andrew Taylor v Gabriel Heinze
Taylor has been psyching himself up by bench-pressing local tramps before handing them over to Mayor and local enforcer, Ray Mallon. Heinze on the other hand has been psyching himself up by wrapping up dog poo, setting it alight and putting it outside Patrick Evra's door, before ringing his doorbell and running away at two in the morning.
Taylor 7 - Heinze 8
Stewart Downing v Ryan Giggs
Stewey Downing will prove to the watching world (well, those not watching Chelski) that he can turn it on against quality opposition. He will do this by playing the entire game on his hands whilst juggling flaming chainsaws and whistling the theme to Only Fools and Horses on a Kazoo. McClaren will then start him against Israel where he will play conventionally and become a dartboard for the UK press.
Downing 8 - Giggs 8
George Boateng v Michael Carrick
Clash of the Titans! It was on the tele last week, brilliant film, Ray Harryhausen, Medusa, girls in skimpy togas and swords. Top stuff.
Boat 6 - Carrick 7
Julio Arca v John O'Shea
It's come to something when we are relying on an ex-Mackem to make our team tick, but like Vids, if Arca plays, Boro play better. So, even if Rocky is fit and ready, we should still wheel out Arca in a wheelchair. At least we could then pass to the left every now and again. John O'Shea continues to morph into Max and Paddy, but without the laughs.
Arca 8 - O'Shea 8
Lee Cattermole v Cristian Ronaldo
The scariest thing about a rampant Ronaldo is the vast amount of acne cream needed to keep his moon like skin from erupting over the opposition's defence. Clatters is currently acting like Mr Miyagi from Karate Kid, and preaching the Wax on/Wax off method of playing football which translates as having a good game once every month.
Clatters 7 - Ronaldo 9
Yakubu v Alan Smith
TotT seriously believes this is the game where the Yak comes of age, which despite what his passport says is 34. Alan Smith has run out of peroxide and is now forced to play football seeing as through a cruel twist of fate, his waiting game as United's eighth choice striker has paid dividends.
Yak 8 - Smith 6
Mark Viduka v Wayne Rooney
Viduka is losing momentum and confidence, mainly because even if he scores ten today, he knows that Keith Lamb is currently orbiting Jupiter and has no chance of sorting out his contract. Wayne Rooney is on a good run of form, mainly because Colleen has finished her book and has stopped asking him how to spell prostitute.
Vids 8 - Rooney 8
Summary
Boro 84 - Manchester United 84
Well, no one ever said it was going to be easy, as TotT is fond of saying. Boro also believe this maxim and are taking it to ridiculous lengths. Mr Gareth even had to take his weekly shop to a replay last week, going through on penalties at Asda before yet another replay at Tesco.
I have had artificial limbs attached to my ever-decreasing bloody stumps just so that I have something to chew on as we approach penalties. During the shootout, Dong Gook will hit the bar (for a Pedigree cocktail), Rocky will shoot down a passing plane and Mark Schwarzer saves everything with his bloated hands.
Don't forget, we love you Boro, we do.
Manchester United 1 - Boro 1 (Boro win on penalties)
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