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WEST HAM UNITED v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 30-3-07
Gordon Dalton
So, where do we go from here? Most of us will quip 'on holiday' or down the Dundas Arcade, but there is still some football left this season.
And what better way to get excited again than three points at Upton Park? OK, three points, thirty pints a few pies and a snog off the woman selling programmes would spice it up a bit, but, as Alan Curbishley knows, you can't have everything. Like a good team.
Boro need to pick themselves up after being cheated out of the Cup, and go on to give James Morrison the keys to anything he wants. Like the trophy cupboard. Well, the Carling Cup needs a polish.
DING DONG GOOK! ROUND ONE!
Mark Schwarzer v Robert Green
Skippy will be gazing longingly at holiday brochures, with one eye on the bench just to make sure Dean Ashton isn't hanging around. Anyway, with Skippy gone next season (you read it hear first, so it's complete rubbish) Ashton will be able to move to the Boro and push little kids around in a red shirt. Green is the third best keeper in England, and that my friends, says it all
Skip 8 - Green 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Anton Ferdinand
Woody will have such a quiet day today that he will be able to do the really hard crossword in TV Quick. What is it with the Ferdinand family? Are they all genetically bred in a test tube, one that got dropped on the floor in a science lab that was testing the stupidity of chimps by sticking money up their arses?
Woody 9 - Anton 2
Emanuel Pogatetz v Danny Gabbidon
With his very good level headed season behind him, Poga can revert to type and go mental, picking up as many red cards as possible. He can be currently found taking lessons off James 'Psycho Chainsaw Hacker' Morrison. Danny Gabbidon is absolute rubbish - there, that should do his confidence some good.
Poga 7 - Gabbidon 5
Andrew Taylor v Paul Konchesky
Taylor starts to experiment with his look now nothing is at stake. TotT isn't that sure wearing the bloodied corpse of a fox and shrieking 'Chase me, Chase me' is the best approach to a game of football, but I'm willing to give it time.
Taylor 7 - Konchesky 6
Abel Xavier v Lucas Neill
Abel is currently engrossed in a battle of words with Andrew Davies. 'Give me the hair clippers Davies or I'll.' 'Or you'll what you oversized pin cushion'. 'I'll hide your hair gel and pinch your g-string'. And they wonder what is wrong with the modern game. Grow a proper beard the pair of you and report back next season. Neill must have a lower IQ than TotTs to choose West Ham over Liverpool, and that is very low - lower than the Ferdinand's gene pool combined.
Xav 7 - Neill 7
Stewart Downing v Luis Boa Morte
Totally exhausted from cutting inside with no one to pass to against Andorra, Downing will find superhuman He-Man like strengths from somewhere and run rings around himself. This will dizzy West Ham, leaving plenty of room for Gook to score. Yes, that much room.
Downing 8 - Morte 7
George Boateng v Nigel Reo Coker
George will be glad when this season is over as he has a lot to do in the garden, and he is having an extension on his house. Oh, and he has had a mare all season as well. Just like Reo Coker, whose chances of a move to Arsenal are about as good as TotT's in the Grand National. I struggle to get out of bed, never mind over Beeches Brook.
Boat 7 - Coker 7
Julio Arca v Yossi Benayoun
The slouch, the loping run, the ability to actually pass the ball forward - what's not to like about Julio Arca? Give this man a pay rise just so he can become pretty mediocre like the rest of the midfield.
Arca 8 - Benayoun 8
Adam Johnson v Lee Bowyer
Young Adam gets a start as Lee Cattermole is having his nails done. Johnson deserves a run in the team, even out of desperation for a right-winger. Yes, we have Morrison but he is currently filming Britains Hardest Men with Grant from Eastenders. Bowyer - urghhhhhh.
Johnson 6 - Bowyer 5
Dong Gook v Marlon Harewood
It may be April Fool's Day on Sunday, but Mr Gareth plays an early trick by starting Dong Gook. Thing is, who is the fool? Yup, Marlon Harewood
Gook 6 - Harewood 6
Mark Viduka v Carlos Tevez
Joint player of the year so far (with Arca and Woody), the Duke still hasn't found out where Keith Lamb has hidden his new contract. My money is on it being in Tony Mowbray's bottom draw. Tevez's neck continues to recede into his body and it should reappear as a tail next season.
Duke 9 - Tevez 8
Summary
Boro 83 - West Ham 68
Strugglers West Ham are desperate for points and as we saw against Man Cit-eh, Boro are very charitable. Mr Gareth will be handing out the Easter Eggs, or at least the ones that Yak hasn't already eaten.
Boro supporters will be unfurling a giant banner saying 'Don't blame us for Steve McClaren you soft Southern shandy swillers'. Well they would be if there was enough of them there, and not as drunk as Britney Spears in a brewery.
Tough game, but hey, not long till summer now.
West Ham 1 - Boro 2
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