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MIDDLESBROUGH v WATFORD TALE OF THE TAPE 6-4-07
Gordon Dalton
Zzzzzzzzzzz. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. What, Uh, oh.NURSE! Medication please. Two packets of Vicodin, a packet of Wotsits and a Curly Wurly please, and go easy on the moondust.. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.Zzzzzzzzzzz.
TotT is so fired up for the Watford game that I gave up an afternoon of riding Shetland Ponies bareback just so I could watch a 0-0 draw. Not that I will be watching of course, I'll be on the concourse taking bets on the Inter-Teesside Finals of naked dwarf wrestling.
So, here we go with a weary Ding Dong Gook..Zzzzzzzzz. Round one..
Mark Schwarzer v Ben Foster
The Watford keeper is on loan from, whisper it, Manchester United. Whilst this classes him as a heretic to some Boro folk, TotT thinks he will end up at Boro next season. Just think of all those great ex-Man Utd players who have come here. Greening, Mark Wilson, er Clayton Blackmore. Granted, we had Robbo, but thank your Lord we didn't get Luke Chadwick.
Skippy 8 - Foster 7
Robert Huth v Danny Shittu
Huth wakes from his slumber to find he is back in the team with all to play for as Mr Gareth told him an Easter Egg is the greatest acheivement an Premier League player can aim for. "I Shittu not", said the Gazmeister.
Huth 7 - Shittu 7
Emanuel Pogatetz v Jay DeMerit
Poga is looking forward to Easter Sunday like a child with a crack addiction. All that tumbling down hills, broken bits, and paint splattered remains, it's like a Friday night out with the lads.
Poga 8 - Chambers 6
Andrew Taylor v Jordan Stewart
Taylor is keeping the season alive with his new novelty game - Guess the colour of my pubes. Since its Easter, I can reveal he has had them shaved into a cross and dyed them a Biblical white. I wonder where he got that idea...
Taylor 7 - Stewart 6
Abel Xavier v James Chambers
Abel has had his hair dyed a Biblical white and shaved into a cross for Easter. Just to outdo Taylor he has also knitted a macramé Jesus from his chest hair and placed it on his bonce. No one dare ask where the two mini Easter Eggs came from but arch style enemy Andrew Davies sure is walking funny.
Abel 7 - Chambers 6
Stewart Downing v Douglas Rinaldi
Downing is found smothered in brown stuff outside the stadium as the police launch an investigation. Shittu is questioned but cleared, leaving the police searching for a man with an excessive amount of chocolate. If you see Yakuba on Saturday (and lets face it, do you ever?), then approach with caution.
Downing 8 - Rinaldi 7
George Boateng v Gavin Mahon
George got slapped with a fine this week and rightly so. However, TotT would like to suggest he should put his feet where his mouth is and not get James Morrison to do his dirty work. Midfield enforcer? Middle aged shirker more like (only joking George).
Boat 7 - Mahon 7
Fabio Rochemback v Damien Francis
And just as Jesus was resurrected from the grave, so to is Fabio. Shame then that the Bible doesn't tell us that Jesus wasn't given away to Billingham Synthonia before being cast into the Tees on a big burning boat with Kirk Douglas as a Viking. Even that would be too good for Rocky.
Fabio 5 Francis 6
Yakuba v Darius Henderson
Big Foot and the Hendersons springs to mind in this striker contest, seeing as Yak is an ancient mythical beast who is supposed to scare people but ends up being a cuddly loveable creature who everyone likes. well, I like him.
Yak 8 - Henderson 7
Dong Gook v Steven Kabba
On this religious weekend its good to see that new faiths like Kabbalah are recognised with Kabba as their guru leading the line for Watford. I worship a dyslexic God, as does Gook, with a dash of HP.
Gook 7 - Kabba 7
Summary
Oh God, does anyone really care anymore? Where is the belief, where is the faith, where is Mark Viduka?
Easter and football are two big overblown behemoths that have been taken over by money and a never questioning belief in that everything will be OK. Well, unless we tie down Viduka and Woody to a tree in Stewarts Park all summer, Boro are in danger of being crucified all the way to the Championship. At least they have better pies in hell.
Sorry to be so gloomy, I didn't get any Easter Eggs. Roll on (roll on..Easter, ho, ho) next season... Happy Easter, may your God, and dog be with you.
Boro 1 - Watford 2
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