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MIDDLESBROUGH v ASTON VILLA TALE OF THE TAPE 13-4-07
Gordon Dalton
Tale of the Tape had the very small pleasure of going to Villa Park this season for a butt clenchingly dull 1-1 draw. However, it was at that point I knew we wouldn't get relegated, when everyone else around was in full on doom and gloom mode. Yes, I may have been as intoxicated as Keef Richards in a crematorium, but there were signs we would be OK.
It might not as been as startling as the 0-4 defeat to Villa the season before, but this was the game when Arca's form returned in midfield, Boateng actually managed a tackle and a few passes and a rare Premiership goal for Malcolm Christie, courtesy of an official being educated at the Helen Keller School for Linesmen.
So, the only reason to chuck your season ticket at Mr Gareth will be to alleviate the boredom as Boro cruise to a 0-0 victory.
DING DONG! ROUND ONE!
Mark Schwarzer v Thomas Sorenson
Villa's website is so out of date that David O'Leary is still manager, so apologies for any line up mistakes. *What's your excuse for every other week this season? Ed.* Sorenson will be in goal, unless he has joined the Navy, got captured, and sold his story to the News of the World in PREM FOOTBALLER IN IRANIAN ROASTING SHOCKER.
Skippy 8 - Sorenson 7
Chris Riggot v Olaf Melberg
TotT respects Melberg for his continuing support of my campaign to make it compulsory for all footballers to have beards. His teammates have questioned him and wondered what lies beneath his hairy chin. Well, I can reveal that he has a face so smooth, so soft, that it resembles Paris Hilton stepping out of a limo.
Riggott 7 - Melberg 8
Emanuel Pogatetz v Gareth Barry
Is Poga still suspended? Is Barry still injured? Who cares, what I want to know is what is Mr Gareth's style tips for next season. A Mullett? Blazer and slacks? Tank tops? What kind of shirt and tie should I be wearing? These are the important questions. I demand answers. It's just another blatant example of the biased southern press ignoring Boro.
Poga 7 - Barry 7
Abel Xavier v Martin Laursen
Abel looks like he will be heading to Milan next season, where he will be modelling barbed wire undercrackers and nipple clamps on the catwalks. He does this on Teesside anyway, but he's getting better money and a longer contract in Italy.
Xav 7 - Laursen 7
Andrew Taylor v Jlloyd Samuel
Did you know that the last native speaker of Nushu, a 400-year-old language, has recently died in southern China. Bizarrely, only women spoke the language. Taylor blah blah blah Jlloyd Samuel blah blah. Women have their own language - we all knew that eh?
Taylor 7 - Samuel 6
Stewart Downing v Stylian Petrov
Petrov is one of many names often associated with a move to Teesside and he will be trying to impress as he has realised that Martin O'Neill is not the managerial messiah he thought, and just another bog standard Premiership manager of a very average team. Mr Gareth's flourishes of fashion will persuade him to move north in the summer.
Dowing 8 - Petrov 8
George Boateng v Steven Davies
Boateng will put in another huge performance against his old club, but its just a pity we can't play Villa every week just so George has a good game. Davies is rumoured to be on Fulham's hitlist, making him another midfielder Boro should have signed (see Jimmy Bullard).
Boat 7 - Davies 7
Julio Arca v Gavin McCann
Two ex-Blunderland players, one of which isn't very good but still wishes he was back with Keane's team. The other is probably the most improved player in the Boro team.
Arca 8 - McCann 6
Lee Cattermole v Gabriel Agbonlahor
Clatters returns from his Easter Holidays where his Mam and Dad took him to the Lake District. Mr Gareth will be keen to see how the energy/fat bastard ratio plays out after all that Kendall Mint Cake.
Clatters 7 - Agbonlahor 8
Yakuba v Patrick Berger
Did you know that Yak has played in every single game for Boro this season? Astonishing isn't it (and maybe slightly exaggerated but I have wiped Notts County from my memory). Still, Boro fans can't get rid of the love/hate relationship with Yak, which will soon put him in cult hero status along with Hamilton Ricard.
Yak 8 - Berger 6
Mark Viduka v John Carew
If Boro don't sign Ronaldo, Rooney, John Terry and Frank Lampard, the the Duke will be off for second division Italian football. You've been warned Lamb.
Duke 8 - Carew 7
Summary
TotT has forgotten to put in any Grand National puns, which is unforgivable, but not nearly as unforgivable as the farce surrounding Duke's contract. Sort it out. It's not funny anymore, especially if we end up signing Jon Stead as a replacement.
Good to see Riggott getting fit for next year, where Woody would have been. Again, sort it out. If we can get troops back from Iran in two weeks then we should be able to get Woody to sign.
If Dong Gook doesn't score this week I will start eating dogs. I was getting sick of cats anyway. Too boney.
Boro 2 - Villa 1
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
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