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LIVERPOOL v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 18-4-07
Gordon Dalton
TotT was so distracted with making a Crufts curry that I forgot about this game. And it seems that anyone who has ever seen just one second of the Villa game has as well. Apart from Thomas Sorenson auditioning to be the new Boro keeper, it was torrid stuff.
So, to tonights match. Well, I have high hopes for this game being a showcase of free flowing attacking football with goals galore, overhead kicks, lollipops and stepovers, hat tricks and headers and volleys. I don't think that even the most optimistic Boro fan needs telling that I'm building up to say this only applies to Liverpool.
DING DONG GOOK!
Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Claudio Reina
Skippy will be stopping off at B&Q on the way to Anfield to stock up on timber, nails and a big hammer in an attempt to board up his goal from an inevitable Scouse onslaught. He could always give Robert Huth a clip around the ear as well.
Skippy 7 - Reina 8
Jonathan Woodgate v Sammy Hypia
Woody has been topping up his tan in this week's hot weather. He has also used industrial amounts of hairspray in an attempt to turn his locks into an awning that gives the back four a bit of shade to play in.
Woody 8 - Hypia 7
Robert Huth v Daniel Agger
Huth has obviously forgotten how to put one foot in front of the other whilst sitting twiddling his thumbs and gazing longingly at Stamford Bridge. Just sit him on the goal line, along with the other ten outfield players. That should stop them. Daniel Agger was the original inspiration for Black Lace's number one smash, Agga-Do. Probably.
Huth 7 - Carragher 8
Abel Xavier v Jamie Carragher
Abel's agent is currently touting him around the Middle East in the hope that Iran will kidnap him and make Boro pay out huge amounts of money for him doing next to nothing. Mr Gareth will play hardball by saying 'No change there then'.
Abel 6 - Carragher 8
Andrew Taylor v John Arne Riise
Riise has just been hired in a £100m film version of Captain Scarlet. However, due to his hair being allergic to dye, the film has now been renamed Captain Ginger. Honestly, it has, you don't think I just make this stuff up do you..?
Taylor 7 - Riise 8
Fabio Rochemback v Steven Gerrard
This must be the most one sided face-off that TotT has ever written. Fabio isn't fit to tie my shoelaces, never mind Steven Gerrard's. I bet he doesn't even know how to tie shoe laces, which would explain why he runs like he has permanent diarrhoea and shoots worse than Christy Brown with a limp. Rubbish. Get rid.
Fabio 1 - Gerrard 10
Stewart Downing v Mark Gonzales
Gonzales will be wrapping up warm tonight, mainly because TotT was trying to work out a really cheap pun about being from Chile. Downing will be looking at Bolo Zenden and remembering the days when someone used to pass to him.
Downing 8 - Gonzales 7
George Boateng v Javier Mascherano
TotT thought Boro should have tried to sign Mascherano when he was at West Ham. Saying that, I thought we should have signed Bilbo Baggins, Jethro Tull and Jade Goody to replace our midfield.
Boat 6 - Mascherano 8
James Morrison v Jermaine Pennant
Hero of the season returns to spar with Pennant before his big rematch with the Portugese Penis Face on Saturday.
Morrison 10 - Pennant 7
Dong Gook Lee v Dirk Kuyt
Gook will be searching through the local delicacy of Scouse to see if it contains traces of Chihuahua. If it doesn't, he is going gung ho and hitting the streets on the search for fresh ones. Dirk Kuyt is doing a great job of playing for Liverpool and managing Cov City.
Gook 6 - Kuyt 8
Yakuba v Peter Crouch
Now, don't laugh, but why don't we put in a cheeky bid for Peter Crouch. Then Woody could just lump it forward to the world's tallest seagull who would knock it down for Yak to score. Oh, a flaw in my plan already.
Yak 7 - Crouch 8
Summary
Mr Gareth will give a very strong team talk, about 40% proof to be exact as he takes comfort in a bottle of Jamesons. This will be the game where we get hammered, and then get hammered again on Saturday. Skippy will look like he has been painted with Hammerite.
Then the rest of the season won't be so much 'Squeaky Bum' time, as 'Shouldn't Have Accepted That Invitation To Have A Curry Round Dong Gook's House' time.
Enjoy.
Liverpool 5 Boro 1
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