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MANCHESTER UNITED v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 20-4-07
Gordon Dalton
Phew, what is it with this weather? Whilst scientists and tree huggers are quick to blame global warming, TotT has just written an essay for science magazine The Lanced Boil proposing that the ozone layer has been permanently damaged by small round leather objects launched from the Teesside area, with the strange inscription 'eat this Al Gore, love Fabio' written on the side.
Whilst The Lanced Boil returned my proposal unopened, they had kindly written on the envelope 'Get stuffed TotT, Rochemback is to blame for many things such as melancholia in the north east, bad hair bands, bad hair and being unwanted in Spain, but you cant blame him for Global Warming. Thanks for your letter, and tell Jimmy Morrison to kick the other leg this time, love, The Lanced Boil'. Which was nice.
DING DONG GOOK! ROUND ONE!!
Mark Schwarzer v Edwin Van de Sar
One newspaper report on the Liverpool game referred to Skippy as 'static'. Well, in his defence, you would be static if the combined Velcro hair like qualities of Xavier, Fabio and Woody were playing in front of you. These three warming up before the match powered the floodlights alone and the resulting flying sparks could be seen from space.
Skippy 7 - Van de Sar 8
Jonathan Woodgate v Rio Ferdinand
Last chance this season for Woody to impress Sir Alex, and also to show he is at least a trillion, zillion, million times better than Rio.
Woody 8 - Rio 6
Emanuel Pogatetz v Vidic
It looks like Poga will miss out on Boro player of the season this year, but he has certainly improved. This is mainly due to the calming influence of Mr Gareth, or at least those pills he slips in his pre match cuppa.
Poga 7 - Vidic 8
Abel Xavier v Patrick Evra
Abel's hair is a thing of wonder, and definitely one my highlight(s) of the season. It has taken many forms, but for Manchester United it will have the words 'You, yes you spotty, Jimmy's gonna get ya' shaved into the back, whilst his beard will be shaved to say 'For Sale'.
Abel 7 - Evra 7
Andrew Taylor v Gabriel Heinze
If Mr Gareth 'Dead Hard, Honest' Southgate is promising a clear out, then one player who should be safe is Andrew Taylor. Good work lad. But next season, can we have some 'roasting in the back of a Bentley' stories. It will help with the pain of relegation.
Taylor 8 - Heinze 8
Fabio Rochemback v Paul Scholes
Apparently, there is a process where you can turn people's ashes into a diamond. Now, I'm not advocating killing Rocky, but maybe we can just chuck him in the machine and see what comes out and flog it. Knowing Rocky, he will come out as a lump of coal and we'll flog him to the Skunks. Paul Scholes, ginger, but one of the greatest players the Premier League has had the pleasure of seeing.
Fabio 2 - Scholes 9
George Boateng v Michael Carrick
Carrick will look to continue his run of three goals in three games, but if he is facing up to George, he will probably score three in three minutes. Sorry George, its time to go.
George 6 - Carrick 8
Stewart Downing v Ryan Giggs
Downing has been looking glum since Xmas. Obviously, seeing your ex on TV every week doesn't help, but he is sad and depressed because that nice Mr Jol hasn't returned any of his calls.
Downing 8 - Giggs 8
James 'The Terminator' Morrison v Christiano Ronaldo
Leeeeeeeeeeeeetttttttttttssssssssssss gggggggggggggeeeeeeeeeeetttttttttttttttt rrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaddddddddyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy toooooo RUUUUUUUUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBBBBBBLLLLLLLLLEEEEEEEE!!
Morrison 10 - Ronaldo 10
Yakuba v Alan Smith
TotT would not be surprised if these two swapped teams next year. Stop, wait, come back, I'm not joking. Yak would go on to score twenty a season at United (mainly because people would pass to him) and Smith, well, it would be nice for him to see his old pal Mark again.
Yak 7 - Smith 7
Mark Viduka v Wayne Rooney
The Duke will put everything into this game, mainly by straining his eyesight looking back towards his own goal to see where the ball is. Rooney meanwhile is battening down the hatches in anticipation of autograph hunters, with the imminent release of Shrek 3.
Duke 8 - Rooney 9
Summary (or even, Summery)
All eyes will be on James Morrison, with bets being taken on which minute he transforms into The Incredible Hulk, and lumps the moon faced spaz and greatest player in the world into orbit.
Mr Gareth will be bringing back up in the shape of some nunchakas made from a few cast offs from his wardrobe. Yak will try and kick seven sheds of the smelly stuff out of the opposition, but will miss.
I don't want to incite a riot or acts of un-gamesmanship, but I hope Boro turn up in Speedos brandishing broadswords. Let's go diving.
Manchester United 4 - Boro 0
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