|
|
MIDDLESBROUGH v SPURS TALE OF THE TAPE 27-4-07
Gordon Dalton
Good news! There are only three games to go and then the void of a football-empty summer will leave plenty of time to catch up on work, relationships, decorating the spare room and getting drunk in the afternoon with your mates, though probably not in that order.
Spurs come to La Riv on a last ditch attempt to sign Stewart Downing before Manchester United get their talons into him. Maybe Mr Gareth could tempt Robbie 'Goal Machine' Keane with a Teesside Tan and a couple of Parmos. The player we really need is Dimitar Berbatov, but there isn't enough in the Boro coffers after Gibbo splashed out on hair products this season for, well, you know who the main culprits are.
DING DONG GOOK! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v Paul Robinson
To pep up the end of season, Skippy has put up an electric fence around the penalty box. This isn't to keep opposing strikers out, it's to keep Boro defenders out on their eternal quest to defend deeper and deeper. At this rate they'll be sat in the North Stand by the last game. Abel ignores the fence in a vain attempt to get a new hair-do.
Skippy 8 - Robinson 8
Jonathan Woodgate v Michael Dawson
As I write (strangely three days before deadline), rumours are flying around like epileptic bats that Woody has signed a new contract for the Boro. Terms include never ever having to cut his hair again, industrial amounts of M&Ms (with all the yellow ones taken out) a guaranteed man of the match award every game and a promise that he can definitely go to Old Trafford or Chelsea in January.
Woody 9 - Dawson 8
Emanuel Pogatetz v Anthony Gardener
Since we bought Robert Huth to give Mendieta someone to talk to in the treatment room, Poga has upped his game to very high standards. Perhaps Mr Gareth should sign Ledley King or someone similar who is likely to be injured all season, just to up Poga's game to astronomical standards. That or stick a rocket up his arse.
Poga 8 - Gardener 7
Andrew Taylor v Pascal Chimbonda
Only two games to go before Chimbonda hands in his Spurs transfer request, fully expecting to go to Arsenal, Chelsea or Manchester United. Silly man. Andrew Taylor could try a similar tactic, but he has been so good he could probably get away with it. Now, if only he could grow a beard or have a silly name.
Taylor 8 - Chimbonda 8
Andrew Davies v Ricardo Rocha
Rocha makes it into the TotT line up on the basis of his name alone. Along with beards, footballers should either have good solid names like Stan, Charlie or Billy, or have ridiculously brilliant names like Ricardo Rocha. Davies avoids both camps but has a career as a crash test dummy for David Beckham's upcoming haircuts.
Davies 6 - Rocha 6
Stewart Downing v Steed Malbranque
Mr Gareth has taken out a court order against Mr Jol that denies him access to Downing, but TotT feels it should be the other way round. Jol will avoid being recognised by Stewey by dressing as a large Dutch turnip. So no change there then.
Downing 8 - Steed 7
George Boateng v Didier Zokora
TotT was very harsh (again) towards George last week - and then went and played a blinder. So, in the name of consistency George, you play like a little girl, with one leg, which is arthritic, and you smell like a dead badger with Stilton up its arse. Now that's what TotT calls motivation.
George 7 - Zokora 8
Julio Arca v Tom Huddlestone
The Spurs team is full of players we should sign but won't even get a sniff of. Huddlestone is one of them. At least we will have Arca next season, who is officially TotT's player of the year, unless Yakuba bags three hat tricks before the end of the season. Julio, you can pick up the non-existent trophy now.
Arca 8 - Huddlestone 8
James Morrison v Aaron Lennon
Jimmy Morrison has put on three stone since kicking a large lump out of Ronaldo, mainly as everyone wants to buy him a pint. However, since he only weighed seven stone, the extra bulk will come in handy.
Jimmy 7 - Lennon 8
Yakuba v Robbie Keane
Would you swap these two? Does the Pope deposit small poo parcels in the woods, do bears go to confession, do WAGS have any discernible human qualities. TotT is confused, mainly because Yak is frustrating with a capital Fucking F.
Yak 7 - Keane 7
Mark Viduka v Dimatar Berbatov
Very similar these two - very good with their back to goal, great vision and also both very good at Scrabble, Twister and looking for a transfer. Mark, please don't go. You are only hope. I am your Father Mark. Its been a long season and TotT is feeling the strain.
Duke 9 - Berbatov 9
Summary
Boro will be hoping to show these southern shandies a thing or two, if only to tempt some of the Spurs reserves up north. Other transfer targets will include Ronaldo, Rooney and Scholes, along with some players from Hull and Notts County as the Boro scouts continue their usual policy of looking at teams we've played on a cup run.
I'd be happy if we signed TotT perennial favourite Gary McSheffrey, Alan Smith, Robbie Keane, Krusty the Clown, Steven Davies, Kaka, Barney the Dinosaur, Heather Mills, Phil Spector and of course Bolo, Geremi and some crap Brazilian to replace the one we've got.
We might get to 14th with that lot.
Boro 1 - Spurs 2
BACK TO TALE OF THE TAPE INDEX
|
|
|
|
