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WIGAN v MIDDLESBROUGH TALE OF THE TAPE 27-4-07
Gordon Dalton
The Teesside troops march to the north-west, looking to stock up on the finest pies in the country, before a summer of enforced salads and brief health reprises in the form of Turkey Twizzlers and barbecued BSE.
Well fill your boots lads and lasses, because pies may well be the only thing of nourishment here, with Wigan hungry for three points and Boro looking to eke out the season by being mathematically possible relegation fodder. OK, it would take some Hawking like maths for it to happen, but fair play to the Boro for making it a full and exciting season.
Ding Dong Dog Pie! Round One!
Mark Schwarzer v John Filan
John 'Pie' Filan should have a quiet day against Boro's attack, mainly because the Boro attack have been in hibernation for over a month.
Skippy 8 - Filan 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Arjen De Zeeuw
Woody has signed and Boro fans have something to celebrate other than not being relegated. Now if Mr Gareth can sign some others, someone who hasn't got a touch like a Pinochio off cut, then we will at least come 12th next year.
Woody 9 - De Zeuuw 8
Emanuel Pogatetz v Matt Jackson
Freaky faced Michael Jackson has kept a low profile recently, until you realise his transformation is complete and is playing centre back as Matt Jackson. Pah, you don't fool TotT that easily, I know it's you. Poga should whistle Billie Jean and watch him bust some moves as parents in the ground leave with their offspring.
Poga 8 - Michael Jackson 7
Julio Arca v Leighton Baines
Arca goes to left back for only the second time this season as Taylor has stubbed his toe kicking next doors cat out of his garden for pooping on his perennials.
Arca 8 - Baines 6
Andrew Davies v Emmerson Boyce
Davies looks to end the season on a high, mainly from sniffing the industrial amounts of hair products it takes to mould his barnet into semi-respectability.
Davies 7 - Boyce 7
Stewart Downing v Josip Skoko
My Wigan supporting friend tells me that Wigan don't seem to know which position they are playing in, which is good news for TotT as I never know either. Downing is looking forward to dropping some dope beatz in Ibiza this summer. Or Redcar.
Downing 8 - Skoko 7
Fabio Rochemback v Lee McCulloch
TotT dismissed reports of Fabio getting better over the past few weeks as nonsense. It's everyone getting worse, mainly due to an addiction to The Apprentice. Mr Gareth should be practising his best Alan Sugar voice for his next little chat with the bulbous boil headed Rocky.
Rocky 5 - McCulloch 7
George Boateng v Denny Landzaat
Will George still be here next season? Probably. Should he be here next season? Probably not. A great player for Boro, but time to go to that football graveyard in the sky. Leeds United is beckoning.
Boat 6 - Landzaat 7
Adam Johnson v Kevin Kilbane
Any chance of a point will come from Johnson, who still has a lot to prove, and probably will. Just last week he proved the existence of other life forms in our universe - such as Leeds fans.
Johnson 7 - Kilbane 7
Dong Gook Lee v Henri Camara
Maybe, just maybe, these could be playing up front for Boro next season. Then we will be royally up the creek without a Viduka shaped paddle.
Gook 6 - Camara 8
Mark Viduka v Emile Heskey
Then again, we could have these two up front, which would be exactly like this season, except Yak has scored sixteen and Heskey is related to Ricketts.
Vids 9 - Heskey 5
Summary
Mr Gareth should instruct Gook that dog pie is a delicacy in Wigan, but he's only getting one if he does what he is paid to do, and score some goals instead of running round and chasing tails.
Huth may play somewhere in the back four, although what he will be playing is anybody's guess.
Rocky, well, I hope he gets on the next plane to Timbuctu, or anywhere to be honest,as long as they don't have a football team.
It's the last TotT of the season next week, and this writer will be stepping down. I hear the padded cells are really comfy.
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