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MIDDLESBROUGH v FULHAM TALE OF THE TAPE 11-5-07
Gordon Dalton
It comes as no coincidence that as I sit writing this, our esteemed leader Tony Blair is making his resignation speech. With much regret I am also stepping down from Tale of the Tape. Which means that you will no longer have to put up with dumb predictions, bad decisions, crap puns, lame tactical positioning and blowing of trumpets from an over inflated ego who is married to a rubber faced wench. Or TotT.
So, it's the last game of the season, and at home as well. It's the time to celebrate the season's achievements, which will take, ooh, about two minutes. And squeeze a few more bad gags about haircuts and Fabio Rochemback's inability to do anything approaching worthwhile, like catch a plane to Midelofphukinnoware.
The booze will be flowing like goat's blood at a Fenerbache initiation ceremony, and the surviving dogs on Teesside will be pissing up Ray Mallon's CCTV cameras in relief that Gook is off on his holidays.
For the last time my friends.
DING DONG GOOK! ROUND ONE!
Mark Schwarzer v Anti Niemi
Mr Gareth is so keen to secure the services of our favourite Aussie (since Steve Irwin got a blowy off a Stingray) that he has taken Skippy's testicles hostage in a semi-detached in South Bank. Another great tactical move from the sartorial one, as he knows that even Blair wouldn't send the troops in.
Skippy 8 - Niemi 7
Jonathan Woodgate v Zat Knight
It was one of the season's highlights watching Woody stride about in Boro colours, one that was capped off in style when he signed up for good. And I mean for good, because you just know that the end of season lap of honour will include a stretcher with what looks like the combined follicle strength of Iron Maiden sticking out of the end.
Woody 10 - Knight 6
Emanuel Pogatetz v Leroy Rosenior
TotT confidently predicted that Poga would sit out the season on the bench hatching plans to kneecap Robert Huth. It wasn't meant as an incitement for violence, but at least Poga did his dirty work behind the scenes instead of bludgeoning people on the pitch. Good work Poga.
Poga 9 - Rosenior 7
Andrew Taylor v Philippe Christanval
Taylor's upcoming toe surgery is another cunningly disguised ploy from Mr Gareth. Taylor will emerge from surgery looking like Ashley Cole, who Gareth will then switch with the real Ashley Cole and put him into surgery to look like Andrew Taylor. Genius Mr G! It will be like Face/Off, but called, er, rather dodgy premise to fill out a paragraph on Andrew 'Steve Davies' Taylor.
Taylor 8 - Christanval 7
Andrew Davies v Carlos Bocanegra
Abel has gone and TotT is commiserating his leaving with a peroxide party where all guests have to have collar and cuffs in matching blonde. A macramé beard is optional, but as Teesside's hair salons go into recession, spare a thought for Abel, who will probably turn up on daytime TV in 'Celebrity Queer Eye for the straight Sasquatch.' Davies will be celebrating Xavier and Parnaby leaving by having a back, crack and sack body wax, and putting 240 volts through his nasal hair.
Davies 7 - Bocanegra 7
Stewart Downing v Tomasz Radzinski
It was a quiet season for young Downing, who was vilified by anybody who wasn't a Boro fan (plus some who are as well) for being Smac's favourite, and perfectly plausible solution to England's left side. Next season promises better things, like a career Djing as MC Takehimonyoulazydoyle.
Downing 8 - Radzinski 7
George Boateng v Papa Boupa Diop
George, ahem, turned down a move to Brum, mainly because there are Villa fans still living there. How inconsiderate of them. We should say thanks but no thanks to George, well, Mr Gareth should, being a former team mate at two clubs. He wouldn't have any over riding loyalty to George, would he, would he?
George 6 - Diop 8
Julio Arca v Sean Davies
Arca is the player of the season in TotT's bloodshot eyes. One of the main reasons being is that when the hunch shoulder Argentine plays, it keeps Fabio Fuckoffanddontcomeback out of the team. And that dear readers, is good for the few remaining cells of my mental health.
Arca 9 - Davies 7
James Morrison v Michael Brown
A special mention must go to James 'Chopper' Morrison. Not quite sure if he is going to make the grade, but he has cemented his place in Boro history. We need an out and out right winger, and unfortunately the options at the moment are Lee Cattermole, Doula and Richard Hammond from Top Gear.
James Morrison 7 - Brown 7
Dong Gook Lee v Vincenzo Montella
The Yak is currently having a hissy fit. Mr Gareth said he should try and get it under control, and that just wound him up more as he has been unable to get anything under control, especially a football, for most of the season. TotT believes Yak is a great striker, its just a shame that Yak doesn't think he is a great striker. Still, Gook has more comedy potential, especially if the words Poodle Noodle make you laugh so hard you wet your pants like a schoolgirl at a Take That concert.
Gook 7 - Montella 7
Mark Viduka v Brian McBride
The Hallelujah song; the Lazarus like return to form (nothing to do with transfer windows); the great goals and the non-existent contract extension. it's been quite a season for the Duke. We should sign him on a pay as you play with £50k per goal, then we would have a genuine twenty goals a season striker. Keith Lamb would be chucking banana skins around like ashes at Keith Richard's house in a vain attempt to save cash.
Duke 10 - McBride 8
Summary
If this season has been all about transition, then next season should all be about transformation. TotT would like to see the squad transform into multi-limbed mutants, with three heads all sporting different haircuts and beards.
They would have lasers for eyes and be able to fly, powered by flames from their two backsides. They would all gain psychic powers, and psycho kinesis for good measure. They would be incredibly fertile but would avoid having sex by ejaculating out of their eyes as they celebrated in front of the North stand, creating a future legacy for the club.
They would all be called Willie, and not one of them, even in its most mutant form, would bear any resemblance to Fabio Rochemback. Its going to happen. It will I tell you, because at the helm in a dapper lab coat is Mr Gareth, a man torn between good and evil (and dress sense), but who is unafraid to slice the squad down to size, mainly by turning quickly in a small room.
Either that or we will come 13th.
So, as the season comes to a close, it is time for TotT to bid you farewell. This column would not have been possible without you dear reader, so many thanks to the nurses who allowed me access to a pen. My bulging sack is always a site to behold, and I will miss fondling it looking for jokes to nick.
It's been a funny old season, well, funnier than this column. There have been highs there have been lows. It's been emotional. It's been Boro.
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