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CRANK UP THE VOLUME 9-8-06
Udayan Mukherjee
Now then Gadgies and Gadgettes, its time for an all new column. One that I really want to say will inspire and delight, but in the event will probably just confuse and cause record numbers of strokes in the Teesside region due to the huge number of piss poor jokes.
Throughout the coming weeks and months you will be treated to news and views on current events throughout the football world. As an added Brucie bonus I will gauge the opinions of rival fans on Middlesbrough as a club and from those in Liverpool, where I'm a perpetually drunk resident. "Pissed up gibbon" is one description that I've heard and it ain't far wrong folks.
It's been a bit of a poor summer. The World Cup was rubbish and had more diving than the Olympics. And the David Ginola award for resembling a paper bag goes to..Cristiano Ronaldo!
On the Premiership front, several teams have improved their squads. The most notable signings have been by Chelski with the dual capture of those young whipper snappers Shevchenko and Micheal's Bollock. Everton have signed Andy Johnson, Manchester United have signed Carrick, The Arse have signed Rosicky. Even Fulham got Mad Franck and Jimmy Bullard.
We however, have still not signed that right sided midfielder that we've needed since we were all primordial soup, which all things considered is a bit rubbish. Having being linked to virtually every name under the sun over the summer we have Julio Arca and young French midfielder Goulon to show for it. Huth came to Rockliffe Park and presumably took part in a medical which involved him getting hit with sledgehammers causing him to break his ankles, thus failing said medical.
Footballers these days, load of bloody poofs. Malbranque laughed his little French socks off at the prospect of joining us, and that same prospect made Joey Barton sign a new contract with Citeh. After a period where we have been able to attract high profile players, this new unwillingness of players to join us strikes me as odd.
We are, it seems, at a crossroads. Middlesbrough F.C., little provincial upstarts Boro managed to upset the apple cart enough to reach a major European final, but what happens from here? It could easily go both ways.
We may have seen the best period in our long history, a time I look back on fondly with my Grandchildren in fourty years time, and recall when the mighty Ironopolis came back from the dead - Not once but twice. A time when, for once, the very same fans that looked down at us, tried to dismiss us at every opportunity, actually wanted the Boro to win.
A couple of games in which 30,000 Teessiders believed and roared their team on to glory. A couple of games where a team worthy of the names of Mannion, Hardwick, Hickton and Juninho battled and scrapped to achieve mission impossible. I for one would love, and demand more success.
The McClaren era, however, was far from ideal. On the plus side we had the mammoth achievements of our first ever cup the runs in Europe and the not insignificant achievement of two F.A. Cup semi-finals. On the negative side, we had some awful post-match interviews, baffling tactics and truly nuts-dissolving football. Those were the days! You didn't get kicked out of the ground for sleeping because the stewards were asleep as well. As this writer said at the time - "Ow McClaren - Sort it out!". Which, er, didn't really help.
Personally I think that McClaren got a rough deal right from the beginning. After the Robson years, many of our fans seemed to just lose interest and not bother going to games any more. The dull football didn't help, but even winning a cup didn't seem to dispel the doubters. The perception was that he was lucky and not good, a belief given credence by poor league results. The fact remains that we only achieved even close to what we were capable of once in five years when we reached Europe via the league.
The over-riding feeling I get when I look back over the last five years is that Steve McClaren, by hook or by crook, got things done. He had that knack of winning most of the important games, and as a somewhat bizarre aside, used to shout "Rape! Rape!" when addressing Ray Parlour from the touchlines. Or summit like that, anyroadup. Has Steve Gibson got it right by appointing a complete unknown quantity as a manager? Has Southgate got the tactical nous, and the right backroom staff?
Southgate has said all the right things over the summer. He wants to be attacking and seems to have that hard edge. Hasselbaink and Doriva have gone. This writer is actually quite disappointed about the latter leaving as he admired the complete cubic-ness of Mr Doriva's head, and wanted to ramble on for page after page about his resemblance to Mr Strong from the Mr Men books and his fondness for eggs.
He also seems to have the respect of the young and old alike but does he have the playing and coaching staff behind him? He'll need that for us to reach Europe.
The defence which was once rock-solid seems to be one that lacks pace and falls asleep at set pieces, especially with the Gate gone. The new signings could be quality. Arca has been Sunderland's best player for ages now, and although this in itself is not really difficult, he seems to be brilliant going forward and at the very least competent in defence. Plus he has the vague look of Manuel from Fawlty Towers about him, leading to the writer of this article positively salivating at the prospect of gesticulating wildly and exclaiming 'I know nothing!' when our new left-back makes a mistake.
The area where we used to be so brilliant has become a massive weak link. Riggot is becoming a very good defender, but who is going to be his partner? Ugo Ehiogu gets injured every two minutes, and perhaps more importantly looks like a tree. Relying on him is folly. Any one of the young lads could do well, but playing them week in week out could be a dangerous ploy. Davies has done well on loan, while Wheater and Bates have performed admirably well. Emmanuel Pogatetz could be a solution, having proved to be a much more competent centre-half than fullback.
The midfield is solid at worst, but has the potential to be superb. For Stewie Downing, it could be a make or break season. He could either be a thrilling left winger, with devastating pace and a sweet left foot, or a knock-kneed fairy who occasionally can be arsed to move before hitting a piss-weak cross that even Boumsong could clear.
Boateng will inevitably run himself into the ground with fresh impetus due to his captaincy and Rochemback could run the show. On the right Morrison must improve the consistency of his performances - he can be brilliant one game, all vim and vigour but be disappointingly anonymous the next. Waiting in the wings, of course are eight-year old wonder winger Adam Johnson and Lee Cattermole, a player whom you suspect eats people's legs for breakfast, just for a laugh. Gaizka (Gaaaaaaaiiiiiiiiiieeeeethka!) Mendieta is a wonderful player on his day, but his days are far too sporadic these days.
Yakubu and Viduka are a strike-force that you suspect, would enhance any team in the Premiership bar Manchester United and Arsenal. Yakubu brings pace and finishes brilliantly. In fact one of the best things is not his knack of scoring good goals, but crap ones. Viduka is the best back to goal forward out there and immensely nimble in the box.
Maccarone could play a huge part this year. The gutless displays that saw him lambasted by the Boro faithful who accused him of resembling a balloon seem to have been replaced by the gladiator we saw at the beginning of his Middlesbrough career. Malcolm Christie is a good player, although this writer suspects that he has actually had his legs replaced by breadsticks by a particularly absent minded surgeon.
With the youthfulness of our side this year and the inexperience of our manager many find it hard to envisage this being anything more than a season of consolidation and development. However, if all goes well we could easily reach Europe again, something that could be derived as much from us being cream of the crap rather than cream of the crop. As long as Southgate can stay strong though the hard times, this could be a continuation of the journey that Stevie Gibson has been leading us on.
It is important to remember that Southgate is no less experienced as a manager than Bryan Robson was, and say what you like about him, he did well in the first four years. Neither is he a manager less experienced than McClaren was when he took charge. The Mac was always more of a coach than a manager, while Gate has gone on record as saying that he wants to be more hands off.
Southgate was a player famed for his eloquence and always seemed like one destined for management due to his ability to instantly command respect. That respect should carry him through the inevitable run of games when we aren't at our best. The lack of experience among our playing personnel may actually be a good thing. Over the past few years especially, pace has been the attribute of teams that won games. With Yakubu, Downing and Morrison firing on all cylinders that youthful exuberance could leave teams genuinely frightened.
We, as fans, must drift out of the apathy that has plagued us and football in general. We must be loud and proud and recreate the defiance and pride displayed on many occasions in the past, for the Boro is not just a team. It is something that brings Teesside together, that gives us a voice and an identity. It is even more important to remember this now that the old 'Small town in Yorkshire' jibe will inevitably re-surface.
If nothing happens on the football front, we should still at least attempt to reclaim a reputation as one of the most vociferous set of supporters in the land. Nobody can seriously dispute the volume generated by a Boro crowd that is up for it, but it is the 'nothing' games in which we must improve on.
Never again should we hear opposition fans sing 'You're the worst support we've seen'. This type of chant will inevitably surface from away fans, but we must keep that at a premium. It doesn't matter about the empty seats, crank up the volume and give the team that impetus it needs to continue to improve and lead us to glory.
Until next time when I will, ahem, delight you with random ramblings, and hopefully the views on our team and our town from fans of other teams from my exile in Liverpool.
That's all Folks.
NOW HAVE YOUR SAY IN THE NEW HOLGATE FORUM
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