HARRY HAVERTON'S GUIDE TO THE UEFA CUP DRAW After a stunning performance in Xanthi last night that had the Gods of Smog gasping in amazement, Boro are now in the draw for the group stages of the UEFA Cup which will take place on Tuesday. Along with thirty-nine other pretenders to our crown. Here's a lowdown on who we might get to play against in the next stage on the road to Eindhoven. Espanyol: Barcelona's second team. They don't have Ronaldinho but we didn't acclimatise well to Spain last year. VFB Stuttgart: This is the home of Mercedes-Benz. Classier than Skoda and they beat Man Utd in the Champions League two seasons ago. CSKA Sofia: Bulgar me! If we get these, we could be up against it. Bolton Wanderers: No danger of getting these until the quarter finals. Lucky for them. We have a 100% record against them in cup finals.... Monaco: Scruffy place on the French/Swiss border with plenty of salty sea dog bars I think. Good for a game of poker so I hear. Palermo: Mafia town in Italy. Better bring a bag of parmos to soothe the local bully boys if we get these. Strasbourg: Another French team who could be ooh-la-laa ing at Ironopolis might come next month. Grasshoppers: I hope we get these. I need to pop over to Zurich to cash a cheque. Hertha Berlin: Not as good as their name suggests. Mid table German side. Easy. Slavia Pragur: With beer at 40p a pint, we'd welcome a trip to a place where an easy win would probably be in order. Lens: I can't SEE us getting beat off these... Rapid Vienna: Rapidly out of the tournamaent if they draw the Boro. PAOK Athens: We've never been beat off a Greek team and I don't see AOK doing a job on us. OK. M. Petach-Tikva: I don't want to go to Chelsea either. Marseille: Sacre-blue, Franck Queudrue! The French will surrender when the Red Army comes to town! Crvena Zvezda: Sounds like something Mrs H would say after a few glasses of Chardonnay. Basel: Swiss team named after famous British comedian Mr Brush. Or will it be Fawlty Towers? Haalmstad: Conquerors of Sporting Lisbon. Might have done us a big favour. Levski: Founder of a revolutionary Russian socialist political party, I think. Tromsø: Another Viking port. Boro saracen invaders to bring home the bounty. Dinamo Bucuresti: Conqeurors of Everton. Won't score five past the Boro! Lokomotiv Moskva: Red Square to be overwhelmed by Red Power. Easy, easy. Steaua Bucharest: Bloody miles away! Hope we get a home tie if we get these. Shakhtar Donesk: Shaktar shaken out. Sheasy. Donesk you know. CSKA Moskva: Holders of the goblet with a striker called Love who could expose us. Brøndby: Quaint Skandinavian fishing town. We'll have no problem pulling a few goals out of the water here. AZ Aalkmaar: A pre cursor for the final in Holland. Aalkmaar no more if they get the Boro. Besiktas: I still don't fancy meeting Ali Baba down a Turkish side street after midnight... Rennes: French fancies who will be overwhelmed by north eastern grit. Sevilla: Orange plantation town in southern Spain. Mendieta to come home and take the mandarins. Guimarães: Strong French cheese. Not a very strong football team thougb. Viking: Get your helmets on lads. We saw them off once back in 1173 or something and we can do it again this year! Litex: Plenty of Litex down Hamburg's Reeperbahn but no so much in the round of thirty-two. Sampdoria: Ex-European Cup finalists who are finding their way back after a recent relegation. Good time to play them. Hamburg: The famous old sea port of northern Germany. Kevin Keegan's old side. A plum draw. Dnipro: Just beat our next manager's side. Hopefully his next team won't have so many problems. Heerenveen: The Geordies saw these off last season so they can't be that good. Zenit: St Petersbug's side. White Russians or Red Dynamite. You decide. Roma: No worries. We have Benedict XVII on our side... Harry Haverton SEND THIS TO A FRIEND BACK TO EUROPE INDEX
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