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LIVERPOOL PLAYER RATINGS
Resident Premier league expert Jamie Kennedy rates the opposition.
Reina
The Spanish Tim Howard. If he plays, I fancy more balls going through him than Jodie Marsh on a Saturday
night.
Jam's Rating: Minus 2. Just like Liverpool's goal
difference on Sunday morning.
Finnan
Famed for his great, ahem, "driving", ahem, *cough* runs from, er, full-back. Great at free kicks but doesn't
always hit his targets "unless he's in a car".
Jam's Rating: One ball and one chain
Hyypia
Has a girl's first name and a surname that sounds like something a drugged-up Scouser would shout at a
rave.
Jam's Rating: 2 Zimmer frames
Carragher
Shouts 'Hyypia' at raves.
Jam's Rating: 1 Lacoste tracksuit
Riise
Flamed haired Norwegian often mistaken for Sloth from the Gooneys. Enjoys Baby Ruths and
bin-dipping apparently.
Jam's Rating: 2 bottles of peroxide
Zenden
Bow-legged, no-necked, girly-haired Boro reject. Hope he's bought himself a cushion otherwise
Sami Hyypia will have one hell of a job takin' them splinters out of his backside. Bet that's not the first time
he has asked for someone to take wood out of his rump.
Me bitter? Pffffffffft.
Jam's Rating: 2 bottles of cyanide
Gerrard
Reminds me of Joey Barton for some reason- must have the same "AXEcent".
Jam's Rating: 4 Burberry caps
Xabi Alonso
Has aspirations to become the world's number one, once Michael Schumacher has retired.
Jam's Rating: Poll position
Garcia
Spanish fem-boy famed for wearing Alice bands and for celebrating shots that barely cross the six-yard line.
Jam's Rating: 3 Rimmel rouge reds
Morientes
Only out done in the dodgiest rat-tash ranks by Garry "Sanchez" Neville. Grew disheartened at playing
second fiddle at Real Madrid to Ronaldo and Raul. Little did he know he was going to end up second fiddle to Peter
Crouch. Has anyone noticed how much he looks like Timmy from South Park? Gutted.
Jam's Rating: Two Bic razors
Cisse
I am reliably informed it is pronounced 'cee-say' and not 'sissy', although the latter seems more fitting if you
were judging by his running technique. Has 'Cisse 9' tattooed on his back. Well he's gonna have 'Adidas
Predator' tattooed on his arse when Frank gets hold of him!
Jam's Rating: Two la calm downs
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