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MIDDLESBROUGH v SUNDERLAND PLAYER RATINGS
Laurence Fulwell. The north east's leading football expert.
Now then. Am back again with my big game review and rub down of all the players on both sides for the game on Sunday.
Now remember, this is not a derby game for Sunderland. We don't rate you as a derby, more a Yorkshire v Wearside clash.
But still I am looking forward to the game. As nothing is as sweet as a smog being beaten by a Black Cat. Not that I can remember many times that has happened in the last thirty years but never mind eh?
So I will start with the Sunderland squad.
Kelvin Davis - The Keeper and a fine young one at that. Makes me all exited when I think of him diving for the balls like.
Nyron Nosworthy - A young full back with a fucking stupid name but looks OK as long as you don't let the wingers run at him or any of our players pass the ball to him.
Gary Breen - A fine player this lad, which is rare for us these days. I fancy he will take your forwards to the laundrette, never mind the cleaners, you dirty smogs.
Alan Stubbs - A classy defender who has played at the highest level. Has a hell of a fucking nose on him mind you. I think he will be rubbing your noses in it come full time.
Justin Hoyte - No he is not a gay porn star, even though his name suggest otherwise. Not that I watch gay porn like. I thought it was a normal one with tits and fannys lads, honest.
Dean Whitehead - Now this lad has been pulling strings in midfield for us of late. Which fucking strings I don't know, mind you.
Christian Bassila - A bit of foreign magic in midfield. I like his nice tight runs coming up inside the forwards.
Tommy Miller - Sheer class player this lad. He will be the match winner for us one day. If we ever win a match that is.
Julio Arca - The best player in the country without a doubt. How he is not in the Brazil team is beyond me. The fact that he is from Argentina don't matter to me like.
Andy Gray - Not that Scottish cunt off Sky Sports. But he plays a bit like him. Shite mostly but still could do a job on you lot.
Stephen Elliot - A very fine young boy this one. His strong and powerful thighs look fantastic when he is charging with length from behind.
Ben Alnwick - Don't know much about this lad but he must be OK if I say so. So bollocks to ya.
Steve Caldwell - Another player who on his day could walk into any team. When his day is fuck only knows.
Liam Lawrence - A bit of a classy player this lad. I fancy him to perform sooner rather than later.
Jon Stead - Well this lad has proven himself at the top level. So that's maybe why he cant be arsed anymore.
Anthony Le Tallec - On loan from Liverpool. Looks OK when he is warming up before the game.
So that's the might of Sunderland. Have I got you scared yet? Well you should be. Here is Big Lawrys guide to the smogs...
Mark Schwarzer - Big daft Aussie twat who drops more clangers then a bell ringer with no fingers.
Abel Xavier - Looks like fucking Chewbaca off Star Trek and plays like him an all.
Emanuel Pogatetz - Emanuel? She used to be a women in those films of the 70's. You mean to tell me you have a 50 year old transsexual in your team?
Franck Queudrue - French puff. Couldn't tackle a fish supper.
Ugo Ehiogu - Been making a few errors of late so I hear. Trying to compete with Titass Bramble is he?
Gareth Southgate - Is this bloke still playing? Bobby Moore was his first room mate on away trips, he is that old your skipper.
Fabio Rollingback - A decent player at last! But one swallow don't make a bummer, you know that?
George Boateng - A bit tasty but not my kind of player. So I say he is wank.
Ray Parlour - ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Gaizka Mendieta - Is this the same guy who played for Valencia? Cant be. He was good.
Doriva - Never heard of him. Must be a German with a name like that.
Mark Viduka - If he could be arsed he could cause us a problem or two. But it's a big IF.
Yakubu - What fucking kind of name is that? Big lad though. He might sneak one up inside us.
The Rest of the smogs...
Jimmy Floyd Hasselbaink - Looking a bit fat these days. Must be his fat cat wages.
Macaroni - Bald headed twat. I would love to smack him one 'cos he scored against us last time we played you at the Riverside.
Jim Morrison - I thought he was dead? I never rated that band myself, fucking bunch of druggie hippies.
Lizard Nemeth - Another wanker of a centre forward who you lot can't seen to get rid of.
Well that's about it for me. As you can see you lot have no chance of getting anything from the game so you may as well not bother to turn up. Not that many of you ever do anyway.
Free tickets???? You lot couldn't give em away.
Big Lawry
Sunderland are the only team in the north who can hold our heads up and say we are Sunderland!
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