WORLD CUP RANT - 3-2-1 BLAST OFF!
Peter 'Erimus Red Holmes

Well, well, who'd have thought that the best, as in most entertaining game, of the first week, would be the very first fixture after the opening ceremony in Munich's wonderful glass doughnut. I've never personally seen a German team play with such Keeganesque abandon, with the pursuit of scoring goals and not much else on their minds. Great for the neutral observer and I liked that!

They are obviously fashioned in the image of their Boss, Yankee Klinsmann, who is struggling to win over his fellow countrymen who don't think much of his tactics. The fact that he lives and commutes from California, the land of fruits and nuts, to Munich, the land of Lederhosen, doesn't really help his cause for endearment to the Aryans.

Tactically it was attack non-stop with their shoot on sight policy and, their part time attitude towards defensive duties leaving bigger gaps in that back four than the Berlin wall. This allowed the experienced Costa Rican, Paulo Wanchope, to use his long limbs to exploit the offside trap to timed perfection on two very telling occasions.

The Bavarian crowd decided it was the goalies fault so taunted Lehman with chants of Ollie, Ollie - as in Kahn - deciding he'd be a good scapegoat. Now as Boro fans, you've got to wonder about our new signing Robert Huth who can't get a game in the centre of that very poor defence or, just maybe, he can defend well and doesn't attack too well and that's why Klinsman doesn't pick him. Irish logic.

A measure of defensive organisation and some midfield steel could see the Germans become pacemakers, especially with that crowd on their tails. But, keep winning in that style and I'm sure a nation schooled on Teutonic measured metronomic football may even be won over. Now, after Monday night's late squeeze past Poland and Costa Rica's capitulation against Ecuador, they are in the hat for round two which gets folk off Klinsmann's case.

The most significant moment and passage of play thus far in any game, happened in the game between Holland and, that mouthful for any budding Motty, Serbia and Montenegro. Let's call 'em S&M from now on.

It was the brandishing of a simple yellow card by the very adept Markus Merk, which left a landmark that I personally hope is followed by every referee on the planet with a set of bollocks in his shorts.

It happened on sixty-three minutes just after a foul on Koroman, one of S&M's subs who had spent his short time on the pitch trying to get every bugger in orange booked, including the bloody security staff!

Well, the German ref booked the annoying plonker for constantly brandishing an imaginary yellow card in his face every time a Dutchie went down, metaphorically speaking. Now, nothing gets my Smoggie blood boiling like fresh lava more than some prick doing that, on a par with the cheating arseholes who partake in synchronised diving all over the park like they've been hit by a sidewinder missile.

They're both blatant forms of cheating and a huge blight on the great game. Now, whether it's old Markus' personal campaign or one of FIFA's many WC directives I don't know, BUT I hope it's the latter.

In fact, the refereeing in general has been a breath of fresh air with lots of advantage and even some decent offside decisions erring towards the attacking team. The approach shown in the planning phase to put linesmen and referee teams together who actually speak the same language is a master-stroke of common sense. Many a WC game has been controversially spoilt by shithouse refereeing, usually as hand picked yes men are trying to apply FIFA's lopsided directives so they remain on the gravy train.

So, that's why the game with Korea and 'work to rule' Togo was utter crap because that sanctimonious pratt, Graham 'I'll lecture you even if you can't understand a word I am saying because the camera is on me' Poll, was the man in the middle!

Five yellows and a red, by a man who stops and starts things more often than a set of Piccadilly traffic lights. Togo on top, so he sends off their captain for nothing much and it gives the game to jammy Korea. How one of the worst referees on the EPL list gets a gig with FIFA is beyond me.

Notice how the Kaiser, Franz Beckenbauer, appears to be at every bloody game? And, he is always, always surrounded by quality women of varying ages. They reckon he's helicoptered around the skies of Germany from game to game but, I reckon they've cloned the Kaiser, and if that's the case, they should clone a younger one to help out in the present German defence.

Two of the juggernauts in Italy and Argentina got off to winning starts and both should be strong runners in this competition. One interesting fact about Italy is that the whole squad are based with Italian clubs, while at the other end of the scale only three of the Argentinians are earning money in the inflation riddled economy of their homeland.

If results go the way of expectation and possibly history, these two could feasibly come together in the semi-final to repeat the penalty shoot-out clash of Italia '90. By that stage, they both could just be reaching their relative performance peaks but all sorts of permutations are possible before that occurs. Two to watch though and two to avoid for England.

Trinidad are the present holder of the biggest surprise by grinding the Svedes to a nil all and with only ten men on the park, doing England a big favour in the process. Trinidad, who are made up of a squad of relative lower league journeymen and Aussie based Dwight Yorke who has had to train with Manchester United because the Aussie A-League finished in March after he captained his team, Sydney, to the title. Dwight Yorke, on his lonesome training in Manchester with all it's distractions, those nightclubs, the all-night-life and old flames to visit. Let's not go there!

The Trinidadios have a predilection for surnames which are normally used as forenames and they could name a full team of John, Samuel, Jack, Charles, Lawrence, Andrews, Glen etc. One snippet to remember as it will probably end up being a WC quiz question at the local pub.

But, one member of the squad ensures that the ever hopeful sweaty-sock bam pots north of the border get a kick, in the form of striker Jason Scotland, who aptly enough plays in the Tartan league for St.Johnstone. So, watch out in the crowd for a smattering of Tam-o-shanters and a few St. Andrew flags flying, with some witty cheering on of the cool cats from Trinidad.

In truth the Jocks will be anywhere our opponents are, especially to give England the bird and a vocal helping hand to the team we are playing. We wouldn't expect anything different would we? But, the prevalence of the Scottish race in Germany for the WC super party probably explains why there are so many moths around the nation at the moment.

England, yawn, played like the Boro on a double-dose of Mogadon in the depths of last January while we were in the middle of our abysmal total shite spell. In other words, McLaren style overly cautious and boring against fairly average opposition in Paraguay and third division Trinidad. How the hell anyone with half a brain, can employ two of the best scoring midfielders on the planet in such negatively defensive and cautious roles is beyond me and a few million other Englishmen. At least Lampard managed a few shots but Gerrard, arguably the most influential midfielder in European football, was so deep lying he kept tripping over Goalie Robinson's bloody water bottle.

Come on Sven you boring man, loosen yer tie, pull the cork out, let rip, get a bloody enema and stop listening to your cautious side (the one McLaren sits at) and get the team marauding forward. Take a leaf out of Klinsmann's coaching manual and shoot on sight. God knows we have the fire power to do it and that new lighter ball is made for hammering which should suit both key midfielders.

I was more than a bit surprised to see Stew Downing get a kick and maybe I read it all wrong but I thought the lad would be lucky to get the odd five minutes here and there. Is it a sign that Park End's finest is training his socks off or did McLaren pull an old bit of paper out of his pocket from a Boro game with the wrong substitution on?

The Czech's were very good, as they have been for some time now, in demolishing a highly rated USA side and Arsenal's new man Rosicky was superb, scoring a marvellous goal. Sadly though injuries to key players Koller, Nedved and Baros could derail their steam train and as good as the Czech's undoubtedly were, my eye has been caught by another nation.

Spain, those world-class under performers and classic underachievers, started very, very well last night by catching a flat-footed Ukraine side in first gear with two quick goals. The quality and penetration of the Spaniards was a joy to behold, some of their midfield and forward interaction was befitting of the highest level and although they have a history of flattering to deceive it's now two years undefeated and Aragones has an excellent blend in a very deep squad.

Apart from the acknowledged class of the Liverpool lads in Alonso and Garcia, they have Villa and Torres up front who are a very potent combination and are keeping the great Raul on the bench. My own favourite, Barca's Puyol, marshals the team from the back and there appears to be a unity about Espania that could just consign history to the dustbin. They impressed me more than any other so, are my team to watch.

Now the Socceroos. The concern over here has been for Harry Koala and his ongoing injury problems, which occurred when he dropped his wallet onto his foot while playing for The Scousers at the end of the season. His fitness problems were getting press all over the place and Harry's groin was all the rage in pub conversations and at dinner parties in the Antipodes, to the point it became legend with descriptive prose about all that swelling and blueness and maybe he needs to give it a bloody good rubbing.

I think as captain, Dukes got a bit pissed off, so went into his sock drawer and pulled on a tasty nylon white one over his calf and skipped training to eat a few pies because he was jealous and wanted to knock Harry 'Media darling and world's greatest player' Kewell off the front of the Skippy tabloids.

The Japanese foolishly blasted a salvo across Aussies decks prior to the game with some nobber, quoted to be the head of Japan's Football Association, that "Horsestrayian team arr gruilty of a rot of drirty frouls and not killing enough defenceless Whales!"

Guus Hiddink was not at all impressed and was last seen stamping on sushi and beheading the tulips at the Nippon embassy in Berlin with his machete.

The Duke, as player spokesman, retaliated in the press: "We as Australians - and our team in particular - play fair every time we go out." As long as the ref doesn't spot us, he didn't add.

"We're very competitive people. We like to win and we will never pull out of a tackle. But it doesn't mean that we go out to hurt people. I think it's a lot of hype made up so people can write articles."

"And the next Twat who mentions it will get his fucking head caved in, OK!" Although I may be guilty of misquoting the big fellah, well just a smidge.

But, the Aussies had the last laugh in style even after Japan got the first scruffy goal with the Australian defence playing the hokey cokey and one of the Japanese thinking he was a sumo wrestler with the unfortunate Skippy his opponent. All came good in the end and the crew at the local Legends bar went fookin' ape shit during those awesome final six minutes, when Aussie exposed a few chinks in the Japanese armour on a cold night in Perth that had a nasty nip in the air too.

Parties followed the landmark win especially on the streets of Sydney and Melbourne with scenes of jubilation never before witnessed on this island. The nation and it's media has gone totally Socceroos crazy and now it's bring on Brazil after Aussies first ever WC final win. That's the spirit.

Their imaginations have been fuelled by the romance of the whole tournament and expectations are raised. I still think they have got nothing to lose and should look to focus all their energy at rattling Brazil.

Tim Cahill proved his worth to the team on the big stage and has that same ability that the great Bryan Robson had, in hitting the box just at the key moment to knick an important goal. He, for me, not Kewell, is the key to Australia having a good run in this competition along with some good luck.

Brazil? No worries mate!

Enough said,
ErimusRed.

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