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CHEAT OF THE WEEK 13-2-07
James Bassett
Last week our panel decreed that Cristiano Ronaldo would be the first person to win the Cheat of the Week award on two separate occasions, a decision that prompted Claude to write to us in agreement.
"Ronaldo is King Cheat," the man with the French-sounding name agreed, "What about his manager - not a word from him, I think ref Mark Clattenberg is on the pay roll at Man U."
Now, now, Claude, we won't have the integrity impugned of any man who is so devil-may-care in his approach to dealing with his burgeoning bald spot.
Anyway, we must crack on. Time for this week's nominations...
Thierry Henry
Being replaced in footballer writers' affections by Cristiano Ronaldo and Didier Drogba has obviously got to Theirry Henry. First of all, he missed an absolute sitter against Wigan. Then, he embarrassed himself with a ridiculous and shameful dive that, fortunately, didn't result in a penalty, but would surely have resulted in a booking for Henry had Phil Dowd had the balls to book the French twerp. Not finished there, Henry decided to run up to and gloat to Chris Kirkland, after Arsenal scored their undeserved equaliser.
You're not the best player in the league any more. In fact, you're not even the best player at Arsenal any more. Get over it, Thierry.
Joey Barton
You've got to feel a little bit sorry for Pedro Mendes. First of all, he gets put in hospital by feckless thug, Ben Thatcher. Then, just as he's finding his way back to fitness, he comes up against Thatcher's former team mate and kindred spirit, Joey Barton. Having watched the Portuguese score, yet another, incredible 25-yarder, Barton decided to enact some retribution on the vastly superior midfielder, and raked his studs down Mendes' achilles. A very nasty foul from a very nasty piece of shit.
Franck Queudrue
While most Boro fans chalked it up to over-enthusiasm rather than dirtiness, Franck's always had a disciplinary problem. However, Fulham's game at Bolton on Sunday witnessed a new low for the former Boro full-back. Having been on the losing end of a full-blooded challenge, Queudrue saw the ball break Bolton's way and leave Stelios Giannakopoulos to lead a three-on-two attack. However, with Queudrue writhing on the floor more furiously than Bedtime Stories-era Madonna, Stelios felt obliged to kick the ball out of play. What happened next? Queudrue got up on his feet, of course. Pathetic.
And so to the panel.
Steve Goldby
I'm really hoping that Thierry Henry gets a mega-money move to Barcelona or Milan or anywhere else in the summer because then we won't have to sit through his petulant behaviour week after week as he'll no longer be in the Premiership.
The dive was absolutely outrageous and I cannot understand for one second why he was not booked for it. It was laughable.
As for the goading of Chris Kirkland, grow up you petulant little twat. But in his favour, at least he apparently had the good grace to apologise. I say apparently as this is what the reports are saying. A public apology would have been more in order. Or a public dressing down perhaps.
Simon Dixon
Is anyone surprised that Joey Barton has reverted to type now that the January transfer window has gone? Should we expect any better from an idiot with his kind of track record? Words fail me this week, mind. I'd call what Barton did a dreadful 'tackle' but that would imply the ball was somewhere nearby. I'd call it 'cheating' but even that would suggest that it was somehow part of the game. I guess we're left calling it a nasty, cynical assault by a low-life piece of scum.
James Bassett
Following his 'next time I'll learn to dive, but I'm not a woman' protestations after the Champions League final, Henry is beneath contempt. Although, I suppose his shameful dive does allow continued speculation about his true gender. So, instead, I have to turn my attention to my former favourite Boro player, Franck Queudrue.
It's amazing that footballers suddenly feel compelled to act as good sportsmen the minute a fellow player chips a nail, gets mud on his £140 boots or knocks a straightened hair out of place. And it's all-too-apparent that the new edict instructing players not to kick the ball out of play and to leave the decision up to the referee has not made any difference, so they need a stiffer reminder. How about a mandatory substitution for any player who stays down for more than twenty seconds? That oughta toughen the sissies up a bit.
Dave Easson
Whilst Thierry showed petulance that could only come from a Frenchman, I'm not sure the Kirkland thing can be summed up as cheating. And there's also Jens Lehmann on the pitch, a German goalkeeper with the mental age of eight, so we can't give it to Thierry. (Lehman telling the ball boy to drop the ball so he had to climb over the hoardings and drop it twice so as to get himself booked and miss the League Cup final that he would've missed anyway... now THAT IS cheating)
No, this week we've got to give it to Joey Barton, whose truly awful tackle was once again missed by Stuart Pearce. Now we all liked Psycho when he took over as a manager (sticking David James up front against the Boro was a master-stroke of English eccentricity that had even the all-knowing Steve McClaren baffled) but you get the feeling he's being sucked in by the whole business and soon he'll be shopping for specs at the same opticians as Arsene Wenger.
The boy Barton is a thug who probably had it in his head that he was doing Ben Thatcher a favour, getting Mendes back for all the grief he'd caused him by getting in the way of his forearm smash last season. We all know footballers are thick. Some are thicker than others. Then there's Joey.
Graham Frankland
My nomination has to go to one of my favourite ex-Boro players and sadly Thierry has never played for us and hopefully Barton never will so that leaves the one and only French Franck Queudrue. For what its worth I thought that Henry's actions were more petulant than actual cheating and the "foul" by Barton was, I thought, a complete accident although very painful for the luckless Pedro Mendes.
Anyway, back to Franck. As far as cheating goes there are two types of cheat that really get my goat and that's those that dive to con the referee and those that act like girls to pretend that they are seriously hurt. Get a grip, Franck, you became a favourite at the Boro for being a whole hearted, 100% committed hard full back and not for rolling around on the floor as if your leg has been snapped in two when it patently hadn't. Its not hard and its not clever. In fact its down right cheating. Grow up ffs!!!
Jeff Winter
Well surprised Emile Heskey's not on the list - a touch on the shoulder caused a thirteen stone man to fall like he was shot by a sniper.
Don't know that Joey Barton is a cheat, a thug maybe, but at least he is open about it. Should have been a red card.
Also can't have ago at our French Franck, he did get a good twatting and he never asked the Bolton player to kick the ball out. Stelios has probably been placed on the transfer list after that very un-Bolton like behaviour. Maybe we should have Sportsman of the week - it would certainly cut down the field.
So that leaves Terry Henry, spoilt brat of the week, but hey he had a point, time-wasting is cheating. What about Lens Lunatic, who is just a prat every week.
So my vote goes to Paul Jewell for his Phil Dowd rant about the ref allegedly swearing at his players. Pot kettle black, my response to them all is "fuck off".
With Jeff Winter taking the unprecedented step of voting for somebody not on the nominations list, we're left with a tie between Joey Barton and Franck Queudrue. Your host likes American sports and finds draws unsatisfying, so, in a sudden death overtime decision, Franck Queudrue becomes the first ex-Boro player to be awarded Cheat of the Week.
Cheat Of The Week is published weekly. No bullshit. No more cheating. Enough is enough. Contact us here with your nominations for Cheat of the Week.
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