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CHEAT OF THE WEEK 18-1-08
Peter Owen
Welcome to Cheat of the Week - the most upfront feature the face of football has ever eyed. It promotes honesty and relegates cheats - and has no match.
This week we start with a letter written to us by FootballFan:
I vote for Stewart Downing as Cheat of the Week. He has been posing as a footballer for far too
long now, his estate agency must need him back at work soon!
We are not a Polling Station so get a life and stop imposing on us. X
This brings us succintly to this week's nominations:
Ronaldo - Manchester United
Your diving has allowed referee Rob Styles to improve his own game,
which is mine to applaud, because he knows you are the Kingfisher.
Ferdinand - Manchester United
You are the repeat of cheats. You simply stand perfectly still like the
dummy you are and wait for the penalty bus to arrive.
Aliadiere - Boro
Speed may deceive the officials but not the camera. You dived to win
a free kick Mr French Connection.
Carsley - Everton
You are a well known cheating thug who carries a grudging boot and
should have seen red. but a few weeks in slippers is on the cards.
Agbonlahor - Villa
This is not the fist time you have dived to win a penalty and it won't be
the last. You cheat.
Hahnemann - Reading
You should have been sent off instantly for your "Stop him at any cost
challenge on Agbonlahor". The "last man" joker on Match of the Day shows why some fart needs to swallow a Rennie tablet.
Davis - Derby
You are another cheater who will be tasting a lot more red
wine because you're just another cork - a stopper.
And so on to the panel:
Jeff Winter
I am both sad and sorry to be defending Ronaldo here BUT whilst he does not need much excuse to go down, he was in fact fouled on Saturday, as was Giggs and as was Ferdinand. Manchester United should have had three penalties.
Having said that, the shot from Tevez was not over the line and Owen's "goal" was not offside so it's only an 8-1 hammering for the mighty Toon.
Aliadiere certainly warrants mention because he "won" that free-kick, but we can't start calling our own can we?
Lee Carsley certainly does not warrant the title "A well known cheating thug" neither does Agbonlahor deserve criticism or Hahnemann for doing his job.
I thought the rugby tackle of the other Boateng was worthy of a mention. Whilst funny, it was a clear act of cheating.
Graham Frankland
I don't look any more at what he is supposed to have done I just think:
R is for Ronaldo, the diving cheat
O is for obnoxious t**t who can't stay on his feet
N is for nuisance we'd all like to clout
A is for a**ehole week in and week out
L is for likeable, he certainly is not
D is for d**khead who possesses the lot, but
O is the sigh that we all want to speak
When we all nominate the t**t as our "Cheat of the Week"
Peter's analysis:
It has been welcome news of late to hear some match commentators singing the praises of referees. These would be sung more often if players behaved themselves and allowed the officials to do their job. But cheats always spoil the party.
Referees must always edge on the side of caution with Ronaldo, otherwise he'll make
both them and their decisions look a laughing stock on the telly again and again.
All those who suck up to calling you "the greatest" want to turn their televisions round and look at the picture, not the scart leads and the dust.
I'm not disputing your talent, what I am saying is that an alert barn owl can see through a Kingfisher's beaky-boots with such ease it's like strawberry picking in the snow.
When you set off on those rat-runs, the cells inside your mind have already finalised the outcome because they can be pre-programmed and will resort to any measure to protect themselves from embarrassing their face once the unmovable object appears.
Once these cells feel trapped in, they immediately kick out to salvage their looks and if one switches on a replay to a hand-winding pace, they'll see that evidence never dries.
This time you chose to feed on a very tender Magpie and at such pace. The decision was marginal but perhaps if your reputation didn't precede you, you may have got your just reward?
Your manager is some comedian because these are his exact words after Mr Styles
told you to find your feet against Fulham not so long ago:
"The penalty kick incident was the result of a perceived idea of the referee that Ronaldo dives but in fairness to the referee, in this case, the goalkeeper has conned him."
Perceive! Even our dog barks now whenever he sees you near a penalty box, which
is costing me a small fortune in dog biscuits to shut him up.
If Giggsy was coming out of a chippy balancing eleven bags of chips and a tub of curry and got a slight bump, it should scatter the salt, not cover the window in curried grease!
If that bump had seen a penalty it would have paved the way for a score of 12-0 with the second half still to come because it would have become a game of skittles.
Bus stop Ferdinand is like a pinball machine waiting for the guaranteed nudge and
he is another who has heavily criticised referees in the media.
He couldn't train a slightly deaf budgie to regain its whistle without a set of instructions.
Agbonlahor of Villa is another player who persists in diving and no doubt he will eventually be rewarded, even though he has been told to find his feet more than once.
Aliadiere of the Boro lost his french loaf and my basket favours no-one who in any way goes against the grain of being dishonest. It was not a free kick, it was a dive.
Carsley of Everton behaves crazily at times and I mean studs up.
Davies of Derby gave his mind to infliction and one second of that can be very costly indeed.
Our expert panellists are exactly that and we will always beg to disagree because this feature is about opinions, not nodding heads like whips in wet skirts, which runs rife!
See you next week, so please bookmark your season ticket... thousands have.
Cheat Of The Week is published weekly. No bullshit. No more cheating. Enough is enough. Contact us here with your nominations for Cheat of the Week.
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